5 Arguments Parents Have (Never Won) With Their Kids

Think back to the most frustrating, heated arguments you've ever had with your parents, and chances are that most of you will remember something from the heart of your teenage years. And if you're old enough to have kids of your own, most of you are going to remember those arguments as petty and laughable. Then you're going to cringe when you realize that you'll be repeating that same stupid bullshit from the other side when your kids reach that age ... and there isn't a goddamn thing you can do about it.

You have to keep in mind that it's not their fault. The most volatile arguments you'll ever have reach the point of suppressing punches because they are impossible for either side to win. And as long as you go into these conversations with that "win" mentality, the following arguments will face-fuck your patience into a flickering memory.

#5. "You Don't Understand Me! It's Not Like When You Were a Kid!"


The Argument:

"How can you possibly tell me that you understand what I'm going through? Back when you were a kid, if you got stressed out you could just pay five bucks to fill up your gas tank, listen to grunge music and smoke pot with your slacker friends, and it was totally expected. We have virtually nothing in common. You like different movies, music, TV shows. You have a completely different sense of humor from me. The world has moved on, and today's kids aren't like they were back when you were my age. We're more technology-minded, we know more about how the universe works, we have different styles and sensibilities than your generation. It's impossible for you to understand, so stop telling me that you do. Hey, you know what else? Fuck Pearl Jam ... yeah, I said it."

"Don't look at me like that, I'm trying to have a talk with my dad."

Why It's Unwinnable:

The kid's reasoning is perfectly sound based on the information available to him. Who the hell is the parent to say that he's spending too much time on the Internet when the parent didn't even have the Internet as a kid? It sounds to the kid like an unfrozen caveman is lecturing us on the dangers of wearing shoes instead of wrapping our feet in a nice hollowed-out mammoth scrotum. What is impossible for the teenager to understand is that the larger lesson Dad is trying to get across (i.e., that learning to manage your free time is the difference between success and failure as an adult) hasn't changed in 10,000 years.

But you can't blame the kid for that. Teenagers have just learned to use reason and logic on an adult level, but they have virtually no practice. They're being trained to think critically, but until real-world scenarios pop up that put that tool to practical use, it's like being handed an F-15 fighter jet, getting a crash course on how to fly it and then being shoved directly into battle against hardened vets. They're in a very odd stage of life where the adult part of their brain is starting to kick in, but the kid side is still hanging around like a meth head's last tooth.

That latter mentality is the side that's judging the world around them based on the surface things that matter to teenagers: music, styles of dress, level of socially acceptable bigotry. Because at that point in their lives, that's what they've been exposed to -- two cliques that wear different clothes and listen to different music might as well be from different planets. What they can't do -- what is physically impossible for them to do -- is something every adult can: compare their own generation's teenage years with those of current teens.

No, not those fucking idiots. I'm talking about actual teenagers.

How can they? Those people don't exist yet. And in turn, teens haven't lived long enough to witness with their own eyes and ears (not just listen to a lecture about) the perpetual cycle of identical thoughts and feelings among that age group, regardless of their differences in pop culture or what style of cloth they use to cover their floppy parts. It's why many teenagers fall into this line of thinking, and why most adults laugh it off with a condescending "Oh, man, when you're older you are going to feel really stupid." It's enough to make kids want to reply, "Yeah, when I'm older, I'm going to beat your ass for saying that."

#4. "You Have No Idea What You're Talking About!"


The Argument:

"Everything you just said to me is so far removed from my life that I'm genuinely baffled as to why you even said it. I decided long ago that I was going to wait for marriage before I had sex, yet here you are with a condom and a banana, looking like the lecture you're about to give will get your name on a government watch list. I told you I've never done drugs in my life and that I never intend to, but I can't go one week without hearing about how bad crack is. You're talking about politics as if I give a crap, and virtually everything you're saying is the exact opposite of what I believe. What works for you isn't going to work for me, and every time you talk about these types of things, you sound like you're just making shit up as you go along."

"And that's why you don't want to have unprotected sex: dong goblins."

Why It's Unwinnable:

This works both ways, and it's equally frustrating on both ends because, yes, there are plenty of people out there who don't in fact have any goddamn clue what they're talking about. And yet they talk. By the time you're in your teens, you've figured out that a lot of what adults say is ridiculous scare-mongering ("Everyone who smokes a joint is five minutes away from blowing a homeless man for crack!").

So it's kind of a Catch-22 for an adult, because obviously the time to tell kids about drugs, STDs, etc. is before they run into them in the real world. But that means that everything that's being told to them sounds like a worst-case hypothetical. They hear, "One day, there's a possibility that people may ask you to do things that are against your beliefs. They may try to get you to do things you said you'd never do." And since they've never had that happen to them, you might as well be saying, "Now, when you fight Metallica, make sure to favor your left side."

Oh, Lars ... you have no idea how long we've been waiting for you to say that.

They can't see it as "This will absolutely happen because it eventually happens to everyone," because they haven't been through it. For most of them, even your real-life examples are just stories -- anecdotes that happened to other people. The reason it perpetuates the argument is because in the end, it always boils down to "That was them. They are not me. I made my decisions, and I'm sticking with them. Frankly, I'm insulted that you think that little of my resolve. I am a strong person, not some shallow, weak idiot who caves at the first sign of peer pressure. I dictate my own actions."

And once again, everything they've seen in their lives so far says they're right. Their record up to that point may be spotless outside of a couple of groundings and detention; it's not like there are a lot of 12-year-olds out there who know what the crushing weight of regret feels like. So if what they're doing has been working so far, why should they listen to you?

#3. "You've Just Got to Let Me Be Me!"


The Argument:

"I'm sick of you trying to mold me into another version of you. You're trying to dress me in your clothes, make me talk and act like you ... I am not you. I'm my own person, and you have to let me express myself in my own way. If I want to cut my hair a certain way, I will. If I want to send my boyfriend topless photos of myself, that's my right. I'm not a kid anymore, and I make my own decisions! You have to let me be me. Now please leave me alone so I can finish learning to comb my hair the way my favorite band combs theirs."

"I'm into punk. Or mid-'80s pop. I really can't tell anymore."

Why It's Unwinnable:

This is one of those times when the kid is actually right, but not for the reason she thinks. The teenage brain thinks either "I have finally become the amazingly cool, awesome, sexy badass I was always destined to be" or "I have become the tortured, oppressed, dark genius adults fear," but both amount to the same thing: "I have grown into something amazing and complex that you boring grown-ups can't understand." They're not right about that part, of course. But they're right that they have to go through that ridiculous phase in order to come out the other side as a well-adjusted person.

There's no way around it. Looking back on our teenage years, most adults could pick out a couple dozen ridiculous or embarrassing things that they'd love to erase from existence. Like the time you went to that protest wearing nothing underneath your giant fish costume. Then when it caught on fire and you had to escape, the whole world saw the Gin Blossoms tattoo on your ass.

But the truth is that having the ability to look back on those things with a cringe is the reason we don't repeat them. Well, mostly. The fish thing happened seven more times, but that's another article. As a parent, it's hard to get past our biological demands to protect our own kids from the world's bullshit, but there is absolutely a time when we have to. The problem is knowing the line. Yeah, it's probably a good idea to flat-out prevent them from tattooing racial slurs on their face ... but it may be to their benefit to just let them find out on their own that speaking like a gang member when they're trying to be taken seriously isn't going to work out in most social non-gang settings.

"Sup, bitches? I'm here about the fuckin' summer job. Recognize."

It's incredibly easy to sit back and say, "If you'd just listen to what I'm trying to tell you, you could avoid so many stupid, preventable mistakes in your life." But no one wants to live their life based solely on the words and warnings of another person. Especially at an age when we're literally programmed to rebel against those warnings. It's a case of push and pull where, no matter what you say, the argument is always going to come back to "Fuck you. You can't control me. This is my life, not yours."

And they're right -- they have the steering wheel now. All you can do is offer directions and say "I told you so" when they don't take them and end up in a Mexican prison.

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John Cheese

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