5 Annoying Things Parents Say to People Who Don't Have Kids

#2. "You Think You're Tired Now? Wait Until You Have Kids!"

Christopher Robbins/Digital Vision/Getty Images

From a Parent's Perspective ...

You're tired because you had to work overtime? Ha! I'd kill to have that problem. Let's see you do what I did this week: work overtime on top of getting the kids ready for sch-

But When You Don't Have Kids, You Think ...

Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up!

We all get it. Raising kids is time consuming and hard. When the baby is up, so are you. When the kids need breakfast, it doesn't matter what time you finally got to bed -- you have to get up and take care of them. We know. But there has never been a case in the history of mankind in which a single person hears the parental one-up and then responded, "Oh, damn. Really? Well, I feel totally awake and ready to go now. Hearing about how tired parenting made you really put things into perspective for me!"

Jupiterimages/Goodshoot/Getty Images
"I've got energy shooting out of my asshole now!"

Or maybe you're not trying to one-up, but you're warning us about what's around the corner when we do have kids. If that's the case, we really appreciate the effort, but it's not necessary, because we've seen how humans function. Hell, even movies depict new parents as clueless victims, sapped of all strength and energy.

The only other reason I can imagine why parents would say this sort of thing is because they're looking for sympathy. In that case, I'd like to extend a heartfelt "fuck you" from all childless people across the globe. You became a parent. You have to live with the bad, right alongside the good. Using that as a wild card to downplay our own whining is a bullshit move that you can cram right back inside your bovine ass.

Digital Vision./Digital Vision/Getty Images
No offense.

#1. "Until You Have Kids, Your Opinion on Raising Them Doesn't Matter!"

John Foxx/Stockbyte/Getty Images

From a Parent's Perspective ...

Hey, I just saw your Facebook post about how when you have kids you're never going to yell at them. What was it again? "Children should be loved and supported, never yelled at." I'm just trying to figure out what rainbow-fueled world you live in where that's even possible. Do you think I'm being an awful parent when I yell at my own kids? Because I'll tell you right now, you have no fucking idea what you're talking about. You're speaking in theory -- one that if carried out will end with you punching your own head clean off of your body in order to escape your uncontrollable demon spawn.

Until you're an actual parent, your opinion on raising children means jack dick. You have no experience in the subject. You're writing a review about the maneuverability of a Porsche based solely on pictures of one that you found in a magazine. Until you've driven it, you don't get to look down on those who have. Wait, do people look down on Porsche owners? I kind of lost myself in the metaphor.

Christopher Robbins/Digital Vision/Getty Images
This is what Porsche owners looks like, right? If so, I can't be mad at them.

But When You Don't Have Kids, You Think ...

You want to know why our opinions matter? Because we're human. And though not all of us have the means to have children, our core brain function is reproduction. We are programmed from our DNA to our throbbing genitals to raise offspring. Regardless of whether our opinions are right or wrong, we have every right to them, because that's how our species, as a whole, evolves.

Yes, we have to concede that maybe we can't give fully formed opinions because of that lack of experience. But at the same time, some parents have to at least consider the idea that maybe -- juuuust maybe -- they're doing something wrong. That's kind of a big problem with parents who talk to childless people: They assume that everything they're doing is correct, so their advice is infallible. And since the opposition has no kids of their own, they are automatically disqualified from the debate. "What I'm saying is correct, and you can't prove me wrong because your input has no merit."

George Doyle/Stockbyte/Getty Images
Victory, bitches!

Look, obviously not all parents are condescending douchebags, and not all exchanges are cartoonish exaggerations, but dig up any parenting forum anywhere on the Net and you'll see these things coming up over and over again. I'm just saying that, even as a seasoned veteran in the parenting department, we need to be a little more considerate of people who haven't gotten there yet. Otherwise they're eventually going to snap and punch our crotches until we can't have any more.

John is an editor and columnist right here at Cracked, with a new article every Thursday. You can also find him on Twitter and Facebook.

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