#2. Brazilian Wandering Spider
Weight: 2-3 grams
Terrain: South America. For now.
Special Powers: Poison. So much poison. All the poison.
Population Available for Military Service: 82.3 million
Military Force Analysis:
The Brazilian wandering spider is the world's most venomous spider, a category that is obviously not the easiest to win "World's Most Venomous" in. They're big bastards, too, coming in at about 6 inches wide.
João P. Burini via Wikimedia Commons
Here's one, perched atop the human that he now owns.
Also of note, they've fully earned the adjective "wandering," given their propensity to roam into all sorts of places humans would rather they not be. Houses, cars, log piles, boots, clothes, your nightmares. They're particularly well-known for hiding in and around banana plants, forming a particular health hazard not just to people involved in harvesting bananas, but also to people who simply like to eat bananas, when they chance upon a saucer-sized spider in their bananas. They've even been known to show up in banana shipments sent as far away as England.
That's right. We're dealing with an enemy that has already mastered international smuggling.
And if upon hearing this news you still eat a banana without a gun carefully trained on it, you are a liar or a fool.
This spider's particular venom is a highly potent neurotoxin that causes paralysis, asphyxiation, and death, and just because these spiders are dicks, blinding pain. Also, just for fun this time, the venom seems to cause massive erections. So you're not even leaving a very elegant corpse behind.
So, if they are highly venomous, like to sneak up on people, can travel the seas, and give their victims death boners, how is it we're not living in silos right now while the Brazilian wandering spiders roam the surface? Well, it turns out that scientists have determined that these spiders don't always inject their venom when they bite humans. These imbeciles have concluded that we can thus relax, when even the tiniest bit of thought would actually conclude that we should panic immediately, as we have proof that the bastards have been holding back. Clearly, the Brazilian wandering spider has been biding its time, waiting to distribute adequate numbers of themselves around the world via banana shipments until they have enough to launch a massive simultaneous strike on humanity's command structure.
Mission Log, Operation: Suspicious Banana
Zeke: London. Washington, Tokyo. All gone.
Sarge: Keep it together, soldier. We've got a job to do, and these six ... eight? Whatever-legged SOBs are going to pay.
Biscuit: I don't know if they're really SOBs, Sarge. I think the bigger ones are actually female. They'd be daughters. I guess they'd be DOBs.
Sarge: Private Biscuit, what the hell is wrong with you?
-A klaxon sounds, echoing throughout the base-
Sarge: All right, everyone. Get dressed. We move in five.
-They get dressed. Everyone watches nervously as Private Biscuit puts his helmet on, without incident-
Zeke: That seems odd. Am I wrong?
Frenchie: No, I thought that, too.
Biscuit: What's everyone staring at?
Sarge: It's nothing. Keep moving, people. These many-legged daughters of a bitch aren't getting past us today.
Biscuit: Oh no! My boot!
-Private Biscuit leaps into the air, dropping his boot, which is crawling with spiders-
Sarge: Shoot them!
-They shoot the spiders-
Biscuit: Holy crap! Thanks, guys.
Zeke: Huh. I guess that's ... OK.
Frenchie: It does feel like we are missing something.
-Private Biscuit takes off his helmet to wipe his brow. The ceiling collapses above him, sending spiders cascading down into his hair-
Zeke: There it is!
Biscuit: WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME, HAIR-GOD?
#1. Brown Tree Snake
Weight: 5.5 pounds
Terrain: The trees. Holy crap, they're in the trees.
Special Powers: breeding ability, terror. THEY ARE IN THE GOD-DAMNED TREES.
Population Available for Military Service: too damn many
Military Force Analysis:
The brown tree snake is, as advertised, a snake that is brown and lives in trees. Trees, you'll recall, are those large woody pieces of vegetation known for being tall enough for humans to walk under. These two seemingly unrelated facts combine to make the brown tree snake the most terrifying thing to ever exist.
Mark Kempen via Wikimedia Commons
"Oh, hi there. Just climbing your fence so I can jump on your head. Thanks for building this, guys. LOL."
Native to Northern Australia, Papua New Guinea, and countless sweat-soaked nightmares, the brown tree snake is perhaps most famous for its work on the island of Guam, where it is considered an invasive species. On Guam, with none of its natural predators around, the brown tree snake has essentially taken over the entire island. On an island about 30 miles long, there may be 2 million of them.
On the surface, an individual brown tree snake is not that dangerous to humans, as its venom isn't that deadly. On Guam, though, they're considered a serious nuisance. Given the sheer number of them, at any moment one of them is probably crawling on some electrical equipment, causing it to burn out. That's right. They're prodigious breeders, experts on island-hopping warfare, and they have considerable experience attacking our infrastructure. Also, and this cannot be understated, THEY ARE SNAKES THAT LIVE IN THE TREES.
"Hello again! Wait! Why's everyone running and peeing themselves?"
How much trouble is humanity in? Well, in yet another case of good news that is actually the worst news possible, scientists report that the population of brown tree snakes on Guam is actually decreasing. They figure that the snake has exceeded the carrying capacity of the island.
Which means this island-hopping, fast-breeding snake-o-war is motivated to move.
Mission Log, Operation: Death from Above
Biscuit: I'VE GOT A BAD FEELING ABOUT THIS ONE, GUYS.
Sarge: Calm down, Biscuit. We're going to be OK.
Biscuit: I DON'T KNOW, MAN. I AM FREAKING OUT.
Zeke: I think he's right, Sarge. I don't think we should have brought him.
Sarge: We need every man we've got if we want to avoid what happened in the entire Western Hemisphere.
Frenchie: But, sir. Taking Biscuit into the woods? He is not handling this so good.
Biscuit: AMAZING GRACE, HOW SWEET THE SOUND, THAT SAVED A WRETCH LIKE ME.
Sarge: Keep it down, Biscuit. You'll give away our position.
Zeke: There! In the trees!
-The entire squad fires wildly into the woods, snakes falling everywhere, just a carnival of violence-
Sarge: Hold your fire!
-Private Biscuit shouts and spins, dry-firing his rifle in every direction-
Sarge: Biscuit! Get a hold of yourself! We're OK. We got them.
Zeke: Look at the markings on this one. It's the Snake Commander. We got them. We did it!
Sarge: You did it, Biscuit. I'm proud of you.
-Sarge gently tousles Private Biscuit's hair-
Biscuit: THEY'RE IN MY HAIR THEY'RE IN MY HAIR THEY'RE IN MY ... derp.
-Private Biscuit goes into a catatonic state and never recovers. Later, a statue of him is erected in the Eastern Hemisphere. As he would have wished, the statue was made bald.-