Brad Pitt has consumed more calories onscreen than every Jaws shark and Jurassic Park dinosaur combined.
Pictured: Brad Pitt consumes the caloric equivalent of two goats and one Robert Shaw.
New York magazine's Vulture blog put together an exhaustive list of 60 different foods Brad Pitt has eaten in movies that is somehow incomplete. The list fails to account for the green apple he eats in Fight Club or the bag of chips in Se7en -- understandably, since grisly murder investigations aren't known to work up an appetite and why would an imaginary person be eating an apple?
"What's in the box? Is it a cake? Ooh, or a pie?"
This might not seem that strange until you try to think of the last time you saw another actor eating in a movie -- actually putting food into his or her mouth, chewing and swallowing. Even if it's a diner scene, directors tend to leave out the act of dining. We all eat approximately the same way, so watching a character push food into the hole in the middle of their face is just wasted time they could be discussing the ethics of tipping or faking an orgasm.
Sorry, sandwich, but my mouth has sexy noises to make.
Nobody's sure why directors have such a soft spot for the image of Brad Pitt putting food into his awesome mouth. Some say it gives his mouth something to do while the rest of him is busy being easy to look at. Unfortunately for that theory, Brad Pitt eats as though it's hurting his face.
Brad Pitt enjoys ice cream the way normal people smell farts.
Perhaps they think it will make Brad Pitt more relatable: "Don't let his good looks fool you. He eats human food just like you!" (This is not actually true, of course. Brad Pitt subsists on a diet of honey, eucalyptus and the perspiration of gazelles, but it's a nice thought.)
Brad Pitt forgets to put food on his fork while pretending to eat human food in Ocean's Eleven.
A look back over some of his best performances would seem to suggest that the food is beside the point: Brad Pitt is using his acting career to work out an oral fixation. The first time most of us learned he could act was 12 Monkeys, in which he played an insane person whose nail biting is so out of control, he has to be institutionalized.
In his Oscar-nominated role in Moneyball, he eats sunflower seeds, popcorn, sorbet, French fries, Christmas cookies, a Twinkie and a cheeseburger. But what's truly remarkable is how many times he manages to lick his fingers when paging through this scouting report.
1) Brad Pitt has the fastest-drying fingertips in the history of the world
2) He has a borderline debilitating oral fixation or
3) He is trying to fuck Jonah Hill.
Famous people are like time capsules to the year their careers peaked. It's the same dynamic that afflicts high school quarterbacks who get the girl, win the big game and never move on. Only with celebrities, the big game is on TV, the girl is 20 girls at once and, instead of having their parents tell them they need to move out of the basement, they have a cadre of yes men telling them how awesome they look in those leather pants.
That's Michael Jordan in 2007, which is 20 years after fluorescent T-shirts tucked into jeans and hoop earrings were acceptable male attire and 15 minutes after someone told him he looked awesome for the 30th time that day. Since actors are insecure about everything, including their jobs, success can have a devastating effect on their careers. Al Pacino has shouted every line of dialogue in an inappropriate Cajun accent since winning an Oscar for doing that exact thing in Scent of a Woman, and John Cusack has made it a point to brave the elements in every film since the romantic comedy The Sure Thing put him on the map and Say Anything made every girl between the ages of 18 and 25 slip out of their seats at the movie theater.
Here he is meeting the female love interest in The Sure Thing:
Look at how little of a shit he gives about the rain compared to that girl!
A few years later, in his career-defining performance as Lloyd Dobler in Say Anything, he took braving the elements to levels of reckless endangerment. Everyone remembers the iconic moment when Cusack stands outside on an overcast Seattle afternoon holding a giant piece of consumer electronics over his head:
A few scenes earlier, he goes out of his way to stand outside of a phone booth with an electrical device pressed to the side of his head in what appears to be the inside of a giant dishwasher on rinse cycle.
Presumably lamenting the fact that the stupid cord barely reaches outside of the human-sized rain protection box it's attached to.
Cusack realized he'd stumbled onto a magical formula: Braving the elements technically qualifies as brave while still making you look romantically forlorn enough for women to pity you. And as this amazing montage by Avaryl Halley demonstrates, he's spent the remainder of his career combining and recombining the elements from the scenes that taught him that lesson.
In High Fidelity, he tries to win back ex-girlfriends by playing progressive rock for them. Holding a boom box over his head would have been too obvious, so he stands outside of their apartments shouting about the progressive rock songs on the mix tapes he made them ...
... in the rain.
The rain scenes weren't quite as iconic, so he hasn't been shy about remixing those.
Look at how little of a shit he gives about the rain compared to Catherine Zeta-Jones!
He's been regurgitating the rain theme like a mother bird into the hungry mouths of vulnerable hipster women.
He even had the balls to bring back the "heartbroken on a pay phone in the rain" trifecta.
And update it for modern times.
The problem is that, as his career wore on and he continued to find ways to get his characters caught in the rain, the romantically brave and forlorn vibe gave way to the impression that John Cusack doesn't understand how rain works.
"Stupid car with your inexplicably marbled windshield pictures!"
"One day they're going to make an antennaless cellphone that doesn't randomly get wet sometimes when you go outside."
"No, no, trust me. Keep the windows rolled down. I've seen them pull this bullshit before."
"Check and mate, marbled windshield pictures."
"Ray-m? Rang? I don't understand what you're saying. Just jump."
The final screen cap, in which John Cusack advises his son to jump on a sheer rock wall in a rainstorm, is from the 2006 "mountain climbing thriller" The Contract. It co-stars Morgan Freeman and went straight to video, presumably because the main antagonist is John Cusack's inability to understand why the rocks are slippery. That's the danger of becoming too reliant on one move. Obliviousness to the weather might look cool in romantic comedies, but when there's a serial killer on the loose, it's just a stupid reason to get your gun wet.
Ray Liotta knows which side of the gas station overhang is drier because he is a human being, and also not John Cusack.
Precipitation dysmorphia isn't the most versatile of character traits, since it only makes sense in movies where the entire premise is "the weather does stuff that's genuinely confusing." Unfortunately Roland Emmerich already made The Day After Tomorrow. What's that?
John Cusack's highest grossing film 2012: Bravery in the Face of Inexplicable Weather Conditions.
I didn't see 2012, but I have to assume his next move was to stand up and hold that computer over his head.
Jack O'Brien is the founder and Editor in Chief of Cracked.com, and a regular contributor to the microblogging site Twitter.com.
Allow him to explain why art theft is a viable career path in 5 Things That Are Way Easier Than They Look in Movies or watch videos he wrote about The Most Honest Press Conference Ever and The Last Guy to Wear a Hitler Mustache.