Login or Register

Sign in with Facebook

If I've learned anything from my time on Earth as a female, it's that having a vagina is fucking expensive. Yearly pap smears, tampons, PMS medication, birth control ... and those are just the basic necessities! Unfortunately, in addition to the long list of things we legitimately need, women seem especially vulnerable to spending way too much money on totally unnecessary nonsense. For example ...

Eyelash Extensions

puhhha/iStock/Getty Images

Maybe she's born with it, maybe it's Maybelline, it's probably Photoshop. Whatever the case, more likely than not, she paid way too much for it. Most fake, glue-on lashes cost anywhere from 3 to 6 bucks and are easily removed at the end of the day with some makeup remover. But in recent years, "eyelash extensions" have skyrocketed in popularity.

showcake/iStock/Getty Images
It's like a weave for your eyelids!

They don't come off at night and don't need to be reapplied like glue-on lashes. Convenient! Also stupidly expensive! The first set can run anywhere from $150 to $300. And that's just the bottom-shelf stuff. Some fancy-shmancy, ultra-rich, ultra-vain women get extensions made out of mink ...

It's like a rodent for your eyelids!

... which cost at LEAST $300 per set.

Not only are these extensions money pits, they're also incredibly time-consuming. Getting a full set takes about two hours. Getting them "filled" every few weeks (because they fall off) is about one hour. That's $1,500 per year spent solely on having the prettiest eyelashes possible, not to mention the time commitment of a cumulative total of an entire day spent sitting in a chair.

I'll admit that I'm vain 110 percent of the time and the way I look is important to me. However, the difference between eyelash extensions and simply wearing mascara or even glue-on lashes on special occasions is not that huge. I've never met a person that was like, "Oh, she'd be so much prettier if her eyelashes were longer!"

In fact, some surveys and studies suggest that men are actually turned off by fake eyelashes.

Matc13/iStock/Getty Images
"No shit; it's like a spider with a Saw trap for your eyelids."

And let's not forget that these ultra-expensive beauty treatments aren't exactly the healthiest. Eye infections from the glue used to hold the extensions in place are common. Eyelash extensions have tons of chemicals you can't pronounce or spell that can cause all sorts of medical complications that you also can't pronounce or spell.

They're a terrible investment in almost every way possible, but they don't appear to be going away anytime soon.

Wedding Dresses (and Weddings in General)

Jack Hollingsworth/Digital Vision/Getty Images

Most girls these days have a "wedding" Pinterest board before they've ever even kissed for the first time. They fantasize about it the way guys fantasize about motor-boating Kate Upton or whatever guys are fantasizing about these days.

Michael Loccisano/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
It's not exactly my area of expertise, but that seems like as good of a guess as any.

Unsurprisingly, that means when the "special day" finally arrives, women aren't shy to spend a small fortune on a dress they'll wear only once. According to a recent poll, 80 percent of respondents think Americans spend too much on weddings. Only a measly 12 percent feel that we spend a justifiable amount.

The wedding dress is a huge contributor. On average, women spend $2,000 to $5,000 on this otherwise useless garment, and that number isn't even taking into account alterations, veil, shoes, hair, makeup, and the therapy you'll need after dealing with the wedding-planning drama.

The most shocking part of it all? A lot of them don't even like the stupid things. According to this poll, 32 percent of women "cringe" at the thought of their wedding dress when they look back on it.

Jeffrey Hamilton/Digital Vision/Getty Images
The only thing good about that number is that it's less than the percent that cringe
looking back at their wedding partner.

So that's thousands of dollars spent on something you'll use for a few hours and potentially regret the rest of your life. Seems like a more economic and sane option would be to just get a nice white gown for a few hundred bucks and donate the rest of the money you would've spent to charity.

I mean, I know you're totally not going to do that, but still, it is a thing you could do.

Continue Reading Below

Pampered Pets

grase/iStock/Getty Images

I'm not shy about my love for pets. I think the only reason I'm not on antidepressants is because I have a dog. I know dogs aren't cheap even when it comes to the basics: food, vaccinations, medications, veterinary bills, dog sitting. It's not at all like having children like some people claim, but pets can still be money pits that burn holes in your wallet.

Marc Debnam/Digital Vision/Getty Images
"At least you get to stop cleaning my shit after a couple of years."

However, key expenses aside, many women will spend thousands of dollars on pampering their furry accessories way more than any dog, or any living thing at all, could ever need. There should be a "child services" type of thing specifically for women who make their dogs spend too much time in people clothes. Your dog hates that. Everyone hates it. The people who sell you dog sweaters probably hate themselves for doing it. The only one getting anything from it is you.

It doesn't stop with clothes, though. Examples of people going overboard include spending over $3,000 on Christmas gifts for a dog and getting tattoos for hairless cats.

Cats don't even see their owners as their owners; they just think of us humans as other, really big cats. When you put clothes on them and give them tramp stamps, in their eyes, you're essentially being the shittiest littermate possible.

Irantzu_Arbaizagoitia/iStock/Getty Images
"The size of the vomit I was planning on leaving in your shoe grew three sizes this day."

Pets have no way of appreciating what some insane owners perceive as necessary luxuries. If they were as human as you seem to want them to be, they'd probably file a restraining order against you.

Perfume, Creams, Lotions, and Potions

altrendo images/Stockbyte/Getty Images

I understand the necessity for basic soaps and body lotion, but why the fuck do you need fancy "body butter" or those "handmade soaps" that look like herb-crusted goat cheese?

And what the fuck is "neck cream," anyway?

Purestock/Purestock/Getty Images
"It's made from an old French method using 65 percent authentic bullshit."

There are loads of unnecessary and overpriced grooming products women are somehow convinced they need. Manufacturers use trigger words like "anti-aging" and "organic" -- or just "Dior" or "Gucci" often does the trick.

Taylor Hill/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
"You think my neck stays this young au naturel?"

These are items that no one but the owner ever even sees. A woman can wear a designer purse in public and at best maybe a few women will notice and secretly hate that she could afford it and envy her. But no one notices how much money you spent on an overpriced, designer, organic, made-with-18-karat-gold soap or lotion.

The same goes for perfume. Sure, smelling nice is ... nice. But a simple scented body spray should suffice. Does anyone really notice you spent 80 bucks on a urine-sample-sized bottle of Charlize Theron covering herself in gold?

Then again, maybe guys are fantasizing about Charlize pee these days. Like I said,
it's not exactly my area of expertise.

I don't think women buy expensive perfume to attract men. I suspect they do this because they feel gratified that they could afford to spend money on something so mundane and unnecessary. Because women know that no guy is ever saying, "Eh, her face and personality are OK, I guess ... but HOLY SHIT she smells so amazing I just have to fall in love with her!"

And they certainly aren't doing this to impress other women, because even girls aren't like, "Oh my god! She smells so good and expensive! I wish I was her! She's such a fashionista!"

No, this isn't for anyone but yourself. Personally, I don't want to smell like anything. I'd probably spend 80 bucks on something that could make me immune to getting any sort of odor (good or bad) on me.

Continue Reading Below

Workout Wear

Allan Danahar/Digital Vision/Getty Images

Not to long ago, women wore old T-shirts and sweatpants to work out. Wearing workout clothes to the grocery store, brunch, or even around the house was unheard of. But in the past decade or so, women have been spending more money on workout clothes, so much so that not wearing that shit literally everywhere becomes cost prohibitive at some point.

It's gotten so outrageous that some women are spending thousands of dollars on yoga clothes even if they don't do yoga! According to data from the NPD Group, workout clothing sales grew 7 percent between 2013 and 2014. Let's not forget these are overpriced garments that women get really smelly and sweaty in. Popular companies like Lululemon and Lorna Jane don't have many items less than $60. Lululemon is a $10 billion empire, so women are indeed being suckered into covering their butts with over-priced spandex. Most basic yoga pants from such companies are between $90 and $120.

Kevork Djansezian/Getty Images News/Getty Images

"At $50 an ass cheek, you can't afford not to."

I agree with the theory that women spend so much on athletic wear because of their insecurities -- spending loads of money on trendy clothes will impress other women at their yoga or spin class. Impressing guys isn't too hard, but impressing their peers at the local yoga studio is harder, and they're obviously willing to pay good money for it.

And the real kicker in all this overpriced-workout-wear nonsense is that Lululemon owns up to this with their bags that boldly display the saying "Friends are more important than money."

"Well not our money, but yours, definitely."

For more looks into the female psyche, check out 6 Things Everyone Knows About Women (That Aren't True) and 7 Female Behaviors That Baffle Men (Explained!).

Are you on reddit? Check it: We are too! Click on over to our best of Cracked subreddit.

To turn on reply notifications, click here


Load Comments