If I've learned anything from my time on Earth as a female, it's that having a vagina is fucking expensive. Yearly pap smears, tampons, PMS medication, birth control ... and those are just the basic necessities! Unfortunately, in addition to the long list of things we legitimately need, women seem especially vulnerable to spending way too much money on totally unnecessary nonsense. For example ...
#5. Eyelash Extensions
Maybe she's born with it, maybe it's Maybelline, it's probably Photoshop. Whatever the case, more likely than not, she paid way too much for it. Most fake, glue-on lashes cost anywhere from 3 to 6 bucks and are easily removed at the end of the day with some makeup remover. But in recent years, "eyelash extensions" have skyrocketed in popularity.
It's like a weave for your eyelids!
They don't come off at night and don't need to be reapplied like glue-on lashes. Convenient! Also stupidly expensive! The first set can run anywhere from $150 to $300. And that's just the bottom-shelf stuff. Some fancy-shmancy, ultra-rich, ultra-vain women get extensions made out of mink ...
It's like a rodent for your eyelids!
... which cost at LEAST $300 per set.
Not only are these extensions money pits, they're also incredibly time-consuming. Getting a full set takes about two hours. Getting them "filled" every few weeks (because they fall off) is about one hour. That's $1,500 per year spent solely on having the prettiest eyelashes possible, not to mention the time commitment of a cumulative total of an entire day spent sitting in a chair.
I'll admit that I'm vain 110 percent of the time and the way I look is important to me. However, the difference between eyelash extensions and simply wearing mascara or even glue-on lashes on special occasions is not that huge. I've never met a person that was like, "Oh, she'd be so much prettier if her eyelashes were longer!"
In fact, some surveys and studies suggest that men are actually turned off by fake eyelashes.
"No shit; it's like a spider with a Saw trap for your eyelids."
And let's not forget that these ultra-expensive beauty treatments aren't exactly the healthiest. Eye infections from the glue used to hold the extensions in place are common. Eyelash extensions have tons of chemicals you can't pronounce or spell that can cause all sorts of medical complications that you also can't pronounce or spell.
They're a terrible investment in almost every way possible, but they don't appear to be going away anytime soon.
#4. Wedding Dresses (and Weddings in General)
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Most girls these days have a "wedding" Pinterest board before they've ever even kissed for the first time. They fantasize about it the way guys fantasize about motor-boating Kate Upton or whatever guys are fantasizing about these days.
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It's not exactly my area of expertise, but that seems like as good of a guess as any.
Unsurprisingly, that means when the "special day" finally arrives, women aren't shy to spend a small fortune on a dress they'll wear only once. According to a recent poll, 80 percent of respondents think Americans spend too much on weddings. Only a measly 12 percent feel that we spend a justifiable amount.
The wedding dress is a huge contributor. On average, women spend $2,000 to $5,000 on this otherwise useless garment, and that number isn't even taking into account alterations, veil, shoes, hair, makeup, and the therapy you'll need after dealing with the wedding-planning drama.
The most shocking part of it all? A lot of them don't even like the stupid things. According to this poll, 32 percent of women "cringe" at the thought of their wedding dress when they look back on it.
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The only thing good about that number is that it's less than the percent that cringe
looking back at their wedding partner.
So that's thousands of dollars spent on something you'll use for a few hours and potentially regret the rest of your life. Seems like a more economic and sane option would be to just get a nice white gown for a few hundred bucks and donate the rest of the money you would've spent to charity.
I mean, I know you're totally not going to do that, but still, it is a thing you could do.
#3. Pampered Pets
I'm not shy about my love for pets. I think the only reason I'm not on antidepressants is because I have a dog. I know dogs aren't cheap even when it comes to the basics: food, vaccinations, medications, veterinary bills, dog sitting. It's not at all like having children like some people claim, but pets can still be money pits that burn holes in your wallet.
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"At least you get to stop cleaning my shit after a couple of years."
However, key expenses aside, many women will spend thousands of dollars on pampering their furry accessories way more than any dog, or any living thing at all, could ever need. There should be a "child services" type of thing specifically for women who make their dogs spend too much time in people clothes. Your dog hates that. Everyone hates it. The people who sell you dog sweaters probably hate themselves for doing it. The only one getting anything from it is you.
Cats don't even see their owners as their owners; they just think of us humans as other, really big cats. When you put clothes on them and give them tramp stamps, in their eyes, you're essentially being the shittiest littermate possible.
"The size of the vomit I was planning on leaving in your shoe grew three sizes this day."
Pets have no way of appreciating what some insane owners perceive as necessary luxuries. If they were as human as you seem to want them to be, they'd probably file a restraining order against you.