Were you able to load this post? Consider yourself lucky. A new study has shown that as early as 2010, loading a thick, content-rich post like this one (note the use of multimedia to the right and above) will crash the Internet faster than the Hindenburg flying through an electrical storm.
Why? Because you broke it.
Flashy Myspace pages featuring wall-to-wall gifs and the music of Kenny G, endless Youtube uploads of QVC clips, all just to fuel some pathetic humor-farm’s crass attempt at entertainment…the list goes on.
Quite simply, there’s too much Internet, and not enough tubes to hold it all. To make the metaphor as clear as possible, imagine we’ve got eight things and, like, three tubes. And each tube only holds two things.
Get the picture?!
In order to aid the conservation effort, I hereby declare Internet Rationing in effect. If you consider yourself subject to my authority (and I know there are a number of you), follow the guidelines presented here and help forestall the inevitable stoppage of all information and our culture’s decline into 1970’s-era anarchy.
Make a conscious effort not to download anything. Shoot for 10MB a day or less; I’m told that amount should cover most people. I get all my news off microfiche and despise films, so don’t worry about me.
This goes for uploading too, which is just reverse downloading as far as I’m concerned. We need to keep Internet video transmission to a bare minimum: urgent news bulletins, instructional DIY videos, and Youtube clips of webcam girls shaking their asses in a dark room.
Start a buddy system, whereby you and a friend represent a single person, and are never online simultaneously. This will effectively cut Internet use in half, and at the same time give millions of people nationwide a more precise idea of exactly when their closest friends usually masturbate.
Prisoners get to use the Internet?! I was shocked too. You know all they’re doing on there is trading tips on the How to Rob Liquor Stores Forums. Support the curtailment of Internet access in our prisons, libraries and schools. All are an unnecessary drain on the private sector.
And if you see a street person using the Internet in a Library, you have my permission to knock them out without warning.
This entry was posted on Wednesday, November 28th, 2007 at 8:00 am and is filed under Internet, Internet Rationing, News, Poodles. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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March 28th, 2009 at 8:52 am
Also Cellulite can go suck several dicks
March 28th, 2009 at 8:51 am
well neil mabe the cracked writers have finally gotten lives… no I cant even say that with a strate face. There just to busy mastrabateing.
March 22nd, 2009 at 1:53 am
It sounds like you’re creating problems yourself by trying to solve this issue instead of looking at why their is a problem in the first place. Take a look at http://www.cellulite-cream.us/.
September 5th, 2008 at 10:40 am
has noone else noticed this: what the f*ck was up with that video??????????
March 15th, 2008 at 9:17 pm
“ I have no sympathy for her. “ Take me seriously, but look at me shake my cellulite- free ass all over the screen!” If she wanted to be taken seriously, she would fucking ACT. These Hollywood bitches know what they are doing. Nat P and Scarlett Jo are two of the hottest women I’ ve ever seen, but those two can ACT, and act WELL, and everyone knows it. All Alba has is her amazing ass, which will sag in ten years, along with her career. Call me jealous, call me whatever you want, but if every single…
December 1st, 2007 at 4:34 am
I love the video. I saw a few similar ones on the site called sugarmommymeet.com as well. it is a service for rich women seeking handsome and charming men from all walks of life. the users from the site upload their own funny videos every day.
November 28th, 2007 at 9:35 pm
No, no, no, the real problem is with *uploading* soon we won’t even be abl
November 28th, 2007 at 6:36 pm
FAIL.
November 28th, 2007 at 6:26 pm
Wow, even I didn’t Digg it.
November 28th, 2007 at 5:47 pm
Thanks for the update senator stephens, but i much prefer to get my internet information from some one who didn’t go senile back in the 50s.
November 28th, 2007 at 12:59 pm
You mean to tell me that someday I won’t be able to embed 12 flash games, a graffiti board and 25 different music videos to all simultaneously play over each other as soon as my MySpace page loads? What about animated gif backgrounds?
Also - does this have anything to do with the War on Terror? Surely if we win the War on Terror then we can still post whatever the fuck we want on our MySpace pages, right?!
November 28th, 2007 at 9:19 am
that video has to be fake, it couldn’t be real could it?
November 28th, 2007 at 8:32 am
You fool, didn’t you read his post? Because of the internet drought, Cracked is only uploading articles on alternating Thursdays now. Enjoy what you’ve got.
November 28th, 2007 at 8:29 am
soooo, where’s the new main page article? I remember back in the day you would post it at 2AM.