Cracked Columnists

Come 2010, You Won't be Able to Read This

nullWere you able to load this post? Consider yourself lucky. A new study has shown that as early as 2010, loading a thick, content-rich post like this one (note the use of multimedia to the right and above) will crash the Internet faster than the Hindenburg flying through an electrical storm.

Why? Because you broke it.

FlashyMyspacepages featuring wall-to-wall gifs and the music of Kenny G, endless Youtube uploads of QVC clips, all just to fuel some pathetic humor-farm's crass attempt at entertainment...the list goes on.

Quite simply, there's too much Internet, and not enough tubes to hold it all. To make the metaphor as clear as possible, imagine we've got eight things and, like, three tubes. And each tube only holds two things.

Get the picture?!

In order to aid the conservation effort, I hereby declare Internet Rationing in effect. If you consider yourself subject to my authority (and I know there are a number of you), follow the guidelines presented here and help forestall the inevitable stoppage of all information and our culture's decline into 1970's-era anarchy.

  • Stop all the Downloadin'

    • Make a conscious effort not to download anything. Shoot for 10MB a day or less; I'm told that amount should cover most people. I get all my news off microfiche and despise films, so don't worry about me.

    This goes for uploading too, which is just reverse downloading as far as I'm concerned. We need to keep Internet video transmission to a bare minimum: urgent news bulletins, instructional DIY videos, and Youtube clips of webcam girls shaking their asses in a dark room.

  • I can has 10pm-2am, plz?

    • Start a buddy system, whereby you and a friend represent a single person, and are never online simultaneously. This will effectively cut Internet use in half, and at the same time give millions of people nationwide a more precise idea of exactly when their closest friends usually masturbate.

  • Under Chuck Norris' beard there is no chin, only another opportunity to limit the rights of felons.
    • Prisoners get to use the Internet?! I was shocked too. You know all they're doing on there is trading tips on the How to Rob Liquor Stores Forums. Support the curtailment of Internet access in our prisons, libraries and schools. All are an unnecessary drain on the private sector.

    And if you see a street person using the Internet in a Library, you have my permission to knock them out without warning.