#2. The Predators Fight With Their Hair
Speaking of gimmicks, the Operation: Aliens toy line had no idea what the hell to do with the Predator. After all, it's not the easiest thing to keep an enigmatic extraterrestrial species whose entire civilization revolves tearing out people's spines PG-rated.
"Kids love sitting down. Let's give them flying recliners."
Seriously, how does Predator culture even function? The Predators have spaceships and laser weapons. Who builds them? Do the Predators use the putting-out system? Has anybody written an extremely dry 200-page fan fiction detailing the Predator economy? Was there a Predator Adam Smith? Similarly, can a Predator opt not to be a Predator? IS A PREDATOR ALLOWED TO OPEN A RESTAURANT?
In science fiction lingo, this here's called "world-building."
In any case, Kenner -- the company behind the Predator toy line -- really struggled to make these intergalactic big-game hunters relatable to the pre-teen set. To this end, Kenner decided that some Predators had a secret weapon: Murder follicles. Take this guy right here, who somehow teased his hip 1990s rat tail into a morning star ...
Big Bad Toy Store
"My pomade is a tub of broken glass!"
... or the Predator Clan Leader, who presumably earned the respect of his fellow Predators in a Dumbo-esque fashion after teaching himself to fight with his dreadlocks.
Final Frontier Toys
Nothing screams "predation" quite like Martin Van Buren haircuts.
I really like the implication that the Predators -- a proud warrior race that values stealth and cunning -- were led by a flamboyant strawberry ogre in high heels who taught his sideburns how to box. He's absurd, but nowhere as absurd as ...
#1. This Fucking Page
Boy oh boy, is this a strong contender for my favorite comic page of all time.
This page also doubles as a diagram explaining where babies come from.
The Alien and the Predator have the motor skills of drunk drivers, the narrator is desperately overenthusiastic, and the comic book's commitment to nonviolence assures that neither creature can tap into his biological imperative to murder. Their entire cosmic rivalry is reduced to two moose smashing skulls during rutting season. It is moron perfection.
See? A mouthful of miracle of life.
I feel a twinge bad for razzing a topic so near and dear to me, so let's wrap up with some bonus scenes from this Chinese bootleg Aliens Vs. Predator comic. This comic (which comes to us from the collection of James Stokoe, aka the most criminally underrated comic artist on the planet) sees Arnold Schwarzenegger teaming up with the Alien queen ...
"Hey sucker, I bought you a Kinder egg."
Fighting the Predator with kung fu ...
Do note the facehugger mullet.
And finally, leaving his own wedding when a friendly chestburster forces him to zip around the galaxy in a flying saucers with the Alien queen.
In space, no one can you hear you scream -- UNLESS YOU'RE ON HAM RADIO!
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