#2. Hatred: Confirmed
Have you ever seen someone who, based on absolutely no context clues or any interaction, you thought was a total jerk? Someone you saw around a lot and, without even talking to him, you thought, "Oh, here's this asshole." There is no feeling in the world that is more gratifying than seeing that person be a dick to someone else.
After you've already decided he was a dick.
"Wait, you're actually a jerk? I wasn't just projecting? Oh, YES!"
It's not quite the same thing as confirmation bias, because with a confirmation bias at least your pre-established bias is based on something. You read a story about a politician from a certain party pooping in his pants in front of everybody and a part of your brain lights up in a pleasing way because you already hated that particular party based on your experience.
With this, however, there's no experience or absolutely anything else to give you a bias. A new couple moves into your apartment complex, you hate them, and then you're just THRILLED when you hear them being rude to a poor pizza delivery man.
Once you learn that your baseless suspicions were right, you can feel free to openly and actively hate this couple without feeling petty or irrational. You can really focus in on how much you don't like this couple. It's the best.
Validatred (portmanteau of "validated" and "hatred"), Hatrad (portmanteau of "hatred" and "rad")
"You know my neighbor? The guy whose teeth I hate? It turns out he's a pederast. I feel completely validatred, but, more importantly, we really should call the police."
#1. Horizon Blockers
I guess I've made it clear at this point that I like to be efficient, which is weird, because I'm not important and no one ever actually needs me to be anywhere, generally speaking.
Still, I do like reaching my nonexistent appointments on time, so I'm always looking for ways to be more efficient. That's why there's nothing more frustrating than being stuck behind a walker who, somehow, takes up not just the sidewalk, but what seems like every possible avenue I could take when walking.
"Put your goddamn arms down, no one can get by you."
It's not a size thing, either. I'm not saying "Ugh, I hate being stuck behind larger people." This transcends size. There are simply just some people who, through some ancient form of nightmare magic, have perfected the art of effectively blocking anyone behind them from passing. And these people are always slow.
You'll be walking through a mall -- a huge, open place -- and then you'll get stuck behind someone on their cellphone who pauses, turns, and wobbles, and even though it's only one person in a giant mall, they still SOMEHOW have boxed you out at every turn. Maybe they wave their arms a lot, or maybe they have a tendency to suddenly wander from side to side. Whatever the case may be, they have, consciously or unconsciously, perfected the art of blocking you from getting ahead of them. You'll just have to duck into the food court until they leave the mall/your life.
"I was trying to get from the gym to the office and this little idiot on rollerblades totally walkblocked me the whole way. You'd think the rollerblades would've made him faster, but they didn't. Might as well have been glollerblades."
Daniel O'Brien is Cracked.com's senior writer (ladies), and has a troubling tendency to make bizarre words up on the spot without providing any explanation (glorbonauts). Follow him on Twitter. Or don't!