4 Wildly Irresponsible Tests for 'Diagnosing' Problems

#2. Is Your Husband Gay?

Marrying a gay man is a crisis affecting nearly every woman, and this list proves it. It lets you easily know when your husband is a homosexual, sometimes even before he does. The list was written by Bonnie Kaye, M.Ed., the leading expert on accidentally marrying gay people. She locked down the domain GayHusbands.com back when that term was a dark tragedy, not an expression of love recognized by several states and most non-assholes.

Here's a list to diagnose if some of this is your fault. Question 1: Do you secretly keep track of your partner's sexual needs to expose their gayness? If you answered yes to any of these questions, it isn't fun to bone you.

Women, if you see foreplay as a sign of rugged heterosexuality, you should really tell your stand-up comics and screenwriters to stop saying the exact opposite of that. Personally, I think we're great at foreplay. For example, when straight guys have sex we'll sometimes spend an entire afternoon of rugby leading up to it.

I didn't achieve the academic pinnacle of M.Ed like Master Bonnie Kaye M.Ed, wives, but I would advise against telling your husband that his depression is just him needing cock. Wait until he's in better spirits before destroying your marriage.

He might only be having a regular affair. Or maybe he's saving them for when you're not fat. Ha ha, snap! I'm on your gay husband's side, fatty!

Keep in mind that if you downloaded a special checklist to see if sliding a dildo inside a man might have homosexual connotations, your husband also has a fetish for sleeping with retarded people. Gotcha again, dingbat!

If you know he does then he knows he has to, you snooping bitch.

OK, busted. That person was looking at gay porn. However, if you're getting pop-up ads and then arguing over who owns them, the two of you shouldn't be using the World Wide Web without help from your grandchildren.

Of course he's texting. How is he supposed to call with a congressman's asshole in his mouth?

That is kind of fruity. When straight guys need a workout, we lay on our stomachs and digest hot dogs.

This could also indicate that his suffocating wife thinks she's the Dick Tracy of butt stuff. You're following him around with a clipboard and using a list of stereotypes to psychoanalyze him. He won't feel free until he kills you.

When the X-ray device at the airport is broken, a male TSA agent must legally handjob you to completion. So I suppose if you travel often enough, you're a homosexual simply by magnitude of gay experiences.

I don't quite see the gayness here unless "mid-life crisis" is what you call it when a circle of men ejaculate on a prisoner. If your husband claims to be having one, check the area around him for a formation of masturbating men. If you don't see them, he might only be sad. If you do see them, you have only minutes to run. When they've finished, the homosexuals will be drawn to your womanly perfume.

Man, this guy trusted the wrong amateur psychiatrist to open up to, didn't he? I can't wait to see what happens when you call him gay after this story.

When you're making a list for diagnosing gayness, it seems lazy to include: "Hey, lady, did your husband just tell you he was gay?"

Oh, he's definitely a gay. Straight guys call that "Tango and Cashing." And Tango and Cashing guys communicate only through the expression of filling holes.

You might be OK. If he claims he's only there to dance his troubles away, start to worry.

This list really jumps around between behavior that could mean anything and behavior that totally means a person is gay and nothing else. "Does your husband keep a clean car? And does he keep banging dudes in it?"

Like we're supposed to see some guy with better abs than us and not call him a homo? For an undersexed woman pretending to be a psychologist, you sure don't know much about insecurity.

This depends on the compliment. Did he call your husband handsome or tell him his penis tasted young? Look, I have no idea if this list indicates that your husband is gay, but he seems to hate you as much as I do, lady.

#1. Are You a Vampire?

Blah! So now that you've found out you're a psychopath filled with alien eggs and the seed of a gay husband, you're probably wondering if there's a way to find out if you're also a, blah!, vampire. Luckily, there is a vibrantly crazy vampire community on the Internet and I was able to find this handy checklist. Blah!

Warning: It came with this stern warning:

"If you are convinced that you are a real vampire, yet have few to none of these traits you really need to read up on a term that is known as enabling and stop claiming to be one. You could even seem to have all of them but there is still no guarantee that you are a real vampire."

I thought diagnosing yourself with vampirism would be harder. Right at the first question you find out if you're a confused vampire or just a vegan in a cape. Either way, I feel like I should warn you: The rest of high school is going to be really hard, kid.

That's not too unusual. Doctors rarely tell a patient that they've never seen a pansy get so hurt in a car crash. When they tell you the X-ray technician found bat guano on the inside of your pants, freak out.

Well yeah, it's easy to win a spelling bee when you grow up being something as hard to spell as Nosferatu. And it's easy to run the fastest when you grow up exploding in sunlight. But I think the easiest way to spot a vampire athlete at age 16 is by looking for the cranky kid who says sports ruin his mascara.

I'm getting the idea that this list isn't medically recognized by the Official Vampire Council and might only be an angsty kid trying to make sense of a world that doesn't understand him. However, this frustration with being constantly bumped is probably why modern vampires developed the ability to sparkle.

Willing things to happen is a vampiric trait? That would explain why there are so many bloodless baby husks at the Staples Center every time the Lakers win.

Holy crap, this just got troubling. I can't tell what's more tragic: the Twilight fan who wrote this list, or the fact that 48 percent of fathers support their child's decision to rise from the grave and devour the night's innocents.

Before you start transforming into a bat, we learned from the last list that this only means you married a gay fella. Sorry, Dracula.

Seanbaby invented being funny on the Internet. Learn more at Seanbaby.com or follow him on Twitter.

For more of Mr. Baby, see The 8 Most Baffling Food Mascots of All Time or Every Women's Magazine Ever.

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