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4 Wildly Irresponsible Tests for 'Diagnosing' Problems

Are you a sex addict? Does your child have ADHD? Which Glee character are you? There are thousands of ways for mental hypochondriacs to go online and self-diagnose every possible disorder, even the ludicrously unlikely ones. Here are four tests you can take to learn shocking truths about yourself.

If you answer yes to any of these questions, that's because virtually any normal person could.

#4. Have You Been Abducted by Aliens?

You and I both know that stopping alien kidnappings is as simple as wearing a helmet to bed. However, not everyone is as smart as us. Those people should check out a list of 52 Indicators That May Show You Are an Alien Abductee. It's absurdly inclusive, and after taking it, most normal people will be shocked to discover that they have been laid in space. Here are some highlights:


If this doesn't happen every week or two, you're not drinking right. Plus, the way memory works is that routine behavior is often stored in places you can't easily access. It's why you sometimes can't remember if you locked the door or left your kid on top of the car. If you're missing an hour of time, let's assume your brain was bored before we assume you were being filled with fetuses by star enemies.


Or in other words, "Have you ever fucking watched yourself get abducted by space monsters!?" If you answered yes to this one, go ahead and read this next part out loud from your spacecraft operating table: "AIIEEEEEEEEE!"


There are a few things that can generate light other than space aliens, but stay worried -- each of them is also a rapist.


You do now! The psychological power of suggestion can plant an idea in your mind easily, especially with powerful imagery like "alien face," "needle" and "strange baby." I use the technique all the time for jokes. For instance, watermelon nipples.


Of course not. If I could remember every throwing star fight I had, I'd join MENSA*.
*Mental Engineers Ninja-Starring Anything


And if you haven't, why the hell do your neighbors drive with their headlights off?


That's either clear-cut evidence that you were taken and your memory was erased or it's your subconscious telling you to look at more pornography before you sleep. Or you're peeing. I haven't been a dream analyst ever since I learned how to tell women to be quiet, but you sound like the kind of person who wets the spaceship.


Think really hard. Did they pull over and rape you?


Almost, but I just read a book on cunnilingus that should help. Ladies.


They're asking this because only a total pussy would get captured by a wispy, 60-pound alien.


Wait, is this list saying you're a self-important dick simply because monsters come across the galaxy to play with your dong while you sleep? Because why would they do that if you weren't the chosen one?


To be honest, I'm starting to realize that the explanation for every event in a person's life is space aliens.


This one is kind of automatic in a "Have I Been Abducted by Aliens?" checklist. No one diagnoses oneself as a cosmic sleep rape victim because they're super duper confident. This is like asking, "Have you ever had trouble understanding a Chinese waiter?" in a list called "How Can I Tell if I'm Deaf?"


This list has a lot of faith in your meteorology skills if it thinks you can look at a patch of fog and judge it to be impossible. To be safe, ask your local weatherman before opening fire on the mist.


I may be able to explain it. Are you a cat owner wearing underpants made out of fish? No? Then you should have had an adult discussion about STDs and condoms with that stranger waking up next to you. I think this list is teaching us a lot more about alien abduction experts than it is about alien abductions, and it's this: Keep your genitals away from them.


No kidding? Well, any sex therapist will tell you that the first step in repairing a relationship is accepting that it's outer space's fault. However, if you're not dating a tub of He-Man Evil Horde Slime, most experts say you're not to mention outer space at all.


I was kind of making fun of this list earlier, but I can't think of any reason a person would wake up startled except for a UFO tractor beam. And that's what I'm going to tell the woman I almost certainly just farted on.


You might have noticed that unexplainable injuries and genital sores appear on this list quite a bit. Maybe UFO abductees would be taken more seriously if they had one single symptom that wasn't the same as too much whiskey.

#3. Are You a Psychopath?

The most famous psycho-diagnostic list of all time is Bob Hare's Psychopathy Checklist. It's a 21-item checklist that mental health professionals have been using for decades to spot psychopaths. Here's what's scary, though: It describes every person I've ever interacted with on the Internet. Let's take a look.


On the Internet, something as simple as your XBox 360 might make you a better person than all 90,000,000 Nintendo Wii owners. In fact, if there is a second-most important person on the Internet, I haven't received an email from him or her yet.


Thirty percent of the people reading this article only saw these words because after these dashes it says -- vagina ice cream.


Right now the most virtuous among you is downloading a Russian-subtitled version of The Avengers and watching illegal sodomy while they ask a stranger on Craigslist how much it would cost to hunt them.


To give you an idea of how common psychopathic behavior is on the Internet, try to picture stopping an argument by saying, "I have feelings that are hurt when you compare me to Hitler." You have a better chance of actually being Hitler than seeing that happen. The rest of the checklist includes things like glibness, pathological lying, failure to accept responsibility, parasitic lifestyle, poor behavioral control ... let's just agree we're being typed at by a lot of sociopaths and move on before this gets too dark.

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