#2. Reddit's Saved Links Think I'm a Necrophiliac Terrorist
Jesus Christ, is that ever an untrustworthy gaggle of links.
All right, so in one image we've established a few things: that I'm very interested in privacy and do not want to be tracked. That I want to know more about something called "warm bodies," the description of which ends with "Yes, please." Then I've got a link to something that almost casually mentions how to turn common starch into explosives, and a story about using hardcore psychedelics to cure a mental disorder.
Oh, and what's this at the bottom? A fucking military grade artillery silencer? Why would an ordinary human being be bookmarking that? Am I going to try to secretly explode somebody's house? That's not just another level of crazy; that's the final boss of crazy. Man, let's click through on that silencer link, maybe the context is necessary in this case, before anybody gets the wrong ide-
It's a cock. A giant metal cock.
So there you go: I, as an Internet user, am trying to hide my shady antics from others, say "Yes, please" to romancing the dead and am suffering from severe depression (but that's OK, because I'm managing it with horse tranquilizers). And if I can't get a handle on my mental problems, I'm going to stealth explode a small city with a giant potato gun shaped like a human penis.
I guess that's fair.
#1. Amazon's Recommended Products KNOWS That I'm Going to Murder You
And now we've gone full maniac.
I have to give you the context on this one immediately, before somebody (quite understandably) calls a SWAT team: The shovels and axes are "recommended for my purchase" because I was buying camping gear. The restraints are there because I bought ratchet straps to transport my motorcycle. The uh ... the ornate murder-face masks are because I bought a neck-warmer thing for winter riding, I think? And the knives are there because I buy an objectively crazy amount of knives, you guys. There's no spinning that one.
But none of that really matters, does it? If I was surfing Amazon for a USB charger at a coffee shop and somebody walked behind me and saw that list of products on my laptop, there would be a full-scale evacuation. I didn't actually buy these products, I would explain to the shouting, Taser-wielding officers, it's just what the Internet thinks I would like based on my other purchases! But it's too late. This is out there, somewhere, with my name and credit card number attached to it.
Which, combined with the rest of my Internet history, paints a rather compelling picture of a dangerously unstable Ketamine addict with a severe mental condition, most likely brought on by his own repressed homosexuality, who is plainly planning on abducting Freddie Prinze Jr. and holding him hostage with some dick artillery.
Man, I knew this would end badly, but not that badly. I think this shit makes me the absolute iron-fisted ruler of the Internet weirdos. Ah well, nothing left to do now but embrace it. What do your results say? Do you think to challenge the God-Queen Psychosexual? Keep in mind that Ketamine dulls pain, I know how to turn french fries into high explosives and I'm motherfucking fluent in knives.
Buy Robert's stunning, transcendental, orgasmic science fiction novel, Rx: A Tale of Electronegativity, right here. Or buy Robert's other (pretty OK) book, Everything Is Going to Kill Everybody: The Terrifyingly Real Ways the World Wants You Dead. Follow him on Tumblr, Twitter and Facebook.