4 Ways to Humiliate Nature Thanks to Old Men's Magazines

Ah, glorious nature! Truly, the great outdoors is where a man belongs: hunting bears, wrestling bears into submission, making sweet love to your newly conquered bear-wife 'neath the effervescent twinkling of the star's knowing gaze -- the simple pleasures really are the best. In the past, our guides have helped you master women, dominate fine literature and embarrass nature -- but what of the experienced outdoorsman, whose fists have already hardened themselves to iron on the collapsed jaws of a thousand foolhardy ursine challengers? What is there for the man who has already defeated hiking, conquered fishing and mocked the very tenets of camping itself?

The answer is: plenty, bucko! Just sit back, strap on your reading beard and fetch your learning whiskey, while you enjoy the newest issue of The Old-Timey Man's Guide to Advanced Nature Subjugation: Violence Edition (haha, just kidding! They're all Violence Editions).

#4. Recreational Fish Stabbing

Fishing is the remedial class of Furious Woodsmanship: Sure, it involves braving the elements, witnessing the miracle of life and then extinguishing that miracle beneath your blood-slick boot heel, but the method of the madness leaves a little something to be desired for the die-hard nature enthusiast. That's why we here at Subjugating Nature recommend the hot up-and-coming sport of Recreational Fish Stabbing:

Recreational Fish Stabbing is sport at its barest: There are few rules, little preparation and absolutely no mercy.

If shanking a wiseacre trout right in its arrogant mouth sounds like it may be for you, you're in luck! Recreational Fish Stabbing has a very low barrier to entrance, with no expensive gear to purchase: If you have a knife, spear, sharpened rock or really pointy fingertips and a lot of murder in your heart, you have what it takes to excel at RFS!

The best part about Recreational Fish Stabbing is, without a doubt, the nigh-infinite scalability of the sport. If you find yourself growing weary of cutting fish until their faces aren't so pretty anymore, you can always move up to more challenging game. Why, how about a quick trip to your local estuary, where you can give that eel something to remember his mistakes forever ...

Tired of spoiling some rotten ocean-snake's Christmas? No problem, Sammy Stiletto: The bounty of Poseidon knows no end -- except the one at the tip of your blade!

Look in those eyes: That terror has a caloric value of nearly 300! Reputable doctors say that stabbing a paltry 10 sharks per day and absorbing their fleeting panic can replace three full and balanced meals!

See that headline, there in the upper right corner? This isn't just a giant flying ray -- it's the Underwater Outlaw of Adolph Hitler himself! Take that, Ratzis; the day you beat America is the day you learn to design a stab-proof fish.

Now isn't that the cat's bloody pajamas? The octopus is the deep blue sea's sad mockery of humanity: It thinks, it plots, it clutches at you with its slimy little limbs and it even uses rudimentary tools -- stabbing one is exactly like killing a Korean, but with no pesky meddling Sgt. Elias to tell you the war's been over for months! Yes, once you've gutted an octopus, there's just no going back to cowardly sharks and boring old Hitler Rays ...

Which can be rather unfortunate. So if you find yourself like this man:

Who is apparently bored to death with knife-fighting the Kraken, perhaps you should try your plasma-stained, frenzy-shaking hands at a spirited game of ...

#3. Great Cat Fire Fetch

The rules are simple:

Take a fast ship to savage Bali or godforsaken Bangladesh.

Trick a woman into the jungle with you (her menstruation both draws out and enrages megafauna!).

Light something on fire.

Whip it at the nearest superpredator.

Haha, that's no ball of yarn, kitty! That's fire -- and now you're fire, too! That's the greatest miracle of nature: Everything turns into fire with enough fury and kerosene!

Recommended For Your Pleasure

Robert Brockway

  • Rss

More by Robert Brockway:

See More
To turn on reply notifications, click here


The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!