#2. Stop Thinking About Sex Like a Treat That You Can Get
It's fun to think about sex as the reward you get, as something you earn, but it's also misguided and dangerous and not that fun at all when you think about it. In my house, we got rewarded with going out to dinner at Friendly's if we got good grades at the end of the semester. If I aced spelling (as I often did [adding 'ass' into words like 'fasster' came much later]) and my parents didn't take me to Friendly's, I would be furious, and my rage would be totally justified, because Good Grades = Friendly's was the deal we made. I got an A; I earned chicken fingers followed by ice cream that looked like a man with a big pointy hat whose brains I could devour.
The brains would make me smarter, which would yield better grades and then more delicious brains. The Daniel O'Brien Self-Sustaining Cycle of Perfection.
Here's an important thing: You will never be owed sex. At any time. From anyone. There aren't enough favors or good deeds you can do, and there will never be a large enough donation you could make in the Morality Bank to guarantee future sex. Do good things or be nice to a woman because they're the things you want to and should do, but remember that one of the most important aspects of gettin' all up in them guts is not believing that said guts are yours for the up-gettin'-in by right.
Sex isn't a light at the end of a tunnel, it's not a thing that you work or fight for and earn, it's a thing -- like see-saw or tennis or one of those two-person carts that they used in coal mines -- that two people can do together if they both feel like it and if doing so would be enjoyable for both parties. Sex is supposed to be fun. It can also be funny, if you do it right (and, boner-bonus, if you do it wrong!). Here is my favorite three-panel comic of all time:
It's from a larger comic by Bertrand Todesco, and while the whole thing is great, those three panels do a better and more succinct job of covering one of the most important aspects of a great sex/love life than all of the books on "game" and "outdoor fucking" combined: Sex is a fun thing people do together.
When you turn sex into a thing that you and you alone can earn, you make it a solitary activity, which, by sex's very nature, it can't be. You're also dehumanizing your sex partner, turning a person into a trophy or an ice cream face. If you want to have sex with a trophy, that's fine, that's just -- I'm not going to write a guide for how to do that, it should be self-explanatory. Don't make sex for you the goal; make good sex the goal, and make it a goal that two people are working together to achieve.
Still with me, Future Mr. Sex-All-the-Time-Haver? Good, because there's one more step to making sure you always get laid!
#1. Stop Reading Guides on How to Get Laid
There are books that will tell you how to repair a motorcycle or how to bake a cake or how to wire a lamp. And there should be, because motorcycles, cakes, and lamps are things with specific parts that can be studied and analyzed and mastered. When you buy a guide that promises to teach you how to have more sex with more women, you've taken your first wrong step, because you immediately start looking at women the way you look at motorcycles -- as a standard piece of equipment with interchangeable parts. As a puzzle that can be put together or a code that can be cracked.
Women aren't motorcycles (except, again, in RoboCop 4). They are just as complicated and interesting as you are. Don't believe me? Track down a guide on how to seduce men and read a few chapters. You'll either be offended or end up shaking your head over and over again, saying, "That wouldn't work on me. That wouldn't work on me. I'd hate it if someone tried that on me." That's because no guide can apply to you because no guide can apply to all men. If a woman wanted to know the best way to seduce me, I would only suggest she buy a book if the book How to Have Sex With Daniel O'Brien exists, and, to my knowledge, it does not.
(And if it does, I have several questions.)
Plus, at the end of the day, you don't want to have sex with a woman who can be seduced via a series of steps that you found in a book somewhere; you want someone better than that. You want a woman who is more interesting than the make-believe template woman that the book's author invented to convince lonely guys that there's a way to hack women.
If you made it this far and you followed all four of my very important rules, you are no doubt swimming in pussy right now or, alternately, in an ocean of self-awareness and new perspectives. Either way!
Daniel O'Brien is Cracked's head writer and creative director of video. He is the author of How to Fight Presidents, which is available for pre-order right here. You can see him do standup at the Westside Comedy Theater on October 1 or at M Bar on October 3. He lives in Santa Monica with his dog and hopes you're having a good day.