We're all familiar with fake apologies, I'm sure, and if you're not, you sincere motherfucker you, Cracked has documented a bunch of them in one of those enumerated lists we sometimes do. In short, fake apologies are used by people who want (or need) to apologize without admitting any fault. Standards include "I'm sorry you feel upset" or "If you were offended by my remarks" or "These things happen you huge crybaby."
"I'm sorry that you're such a weeping sore of a human being. That must be awful for you."
But what we haven't talked about is why fake apologies are sometimes really valuable. Although the genuine kind of apology is always nicer to receive, even the fake ones work more often than not at placating someone. On top of that, fake apologies can have a wide range of positive effects on people who aren't even the ones being apologized to. So here, then, for the insincere bastards who I imagine make up the majority of my audience, are a bunch of reasons why it might be cool to lie your ass off.
#4. The Apology Is Itself a Punishment
It's really hard to make someone feel something, especially if they don't want to. Well-laid arguments, carefully assembled pieces of evidence, and fierce shouting are often incapable of making someone open their eyes when they've made up their mind not to. The same goes for contrition. If you don't feel sorry, it will take a lot more than an authority figure to tell you to do so.
"What if I say pretty please? Will you feel sorry then?"
We've probably all seen a young child forced by their parents to apologize, only to deliver the sulkiest, shoe-staringest, least-sincere apology history has ever recorded. Clearly the child doesn't actually feel sorry. Actually feeling sorry takes reflection, a significant mental effort to put oneself in another person's shoes and understand how they feel. That's tough, and it's often bullshit -- that other person's shoes might suck.
"Do you store these in a bucket of warm piss, Gary?"
But actually feeling sorry is not the point of the forced public apology. It's at least in part a form of punishment, a public humiliation for the apologizer. Even if they aren't in the slightest bit sorry, seeing a bully stare at their shoes and hiss "Sorry" through clenched teeth is itself kind of fun.
Yeah, I'll bet you're sorry you got caught, you little rat-fuck bastard.
#3. The Explanation Apology
It could, just maybe, be that a person who feels aggrieved by you and your actions and haircut is in fact mistaken. That there's some information they're missing that, once learned, will make them not angry with you at all. And so we have the Explanation Apology, which essentially goes: "I'm sorry. But here's what actually happened."
"Your cat was dead when I got here."
In this case, the sorry is but a lead-in, a magic word intended to temporarily calm down the aggrieved party to buy enough time to explain why all this business isn't actually your fault.
"I think he'd been suicidal. Did the mortgage crisis hit him hard?"
It goes without saying that the Explanation Apology is one of the most horrendously misused fake apologies out there. In almost every case where it's deployed, the explanation explains nothing at all, or explains something the angry person already understands and has taken into consideration and is still really fucking angry about.
"OK, yes, it was technically me that got your cat's name on my mortgage documentation."
In a portion of these cases, a mere 99 percent of them, the Explanation Apology comes off as a condescending mound of smoking horseshit, of absolutely no value as either an explanation or an apology. But that's no reason it couldn't work, theoretically. And so, if you're sure you're in that rare minority of situations where the aggrieved doesn't understand the facts, you're almost certainly wrong. Your brain is tricking you, because you are an asshole and so is your brain. But if you're really sure you're in that rare minority of situations where the aggrieved doesn't understand the facts, yeah, sure, go ahead and trot out an Explanation Apology. Let us all know how that works for you.
"For a time that cat owned more than all other cats combined. In a way, like, the truest way, I'm basically a hero."