Cracked Columnists

4 Ways Money Actually Can Buy Happiness

#2. Use It to Accomplish Things

Whether it can buy happiness or not, money can of course buy many, many other things. Things like butlers and martial arts lessons and underground lairs. That's right: If you have money, you can become the goddamned Batman.

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The happiest man of all.

OK, so maybe Batman isn't that happy. But he is doing something, and for most people, that will lead to happiness. Far too many people spend all their time either trying to get more money or distracting themselves during their downtime. This is the demographic that reports that money can't buy happiness. They've got money, and they sure aren't happy. But if they instead tried to accomplish something more constructive than making more money, they'd almost certainly be happier. Actually building or accomplishing something can provide a deep level of satisfaction that no amount of jet skis or baccarat can match.

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"These spats aren't helping at all!"

This will require a bit of self-reflection to discover the things you'll ultimately want to accomplish in life, but whether it's a creative endeavor, some form of philanthropy, or becoming the goddamned Batman, you will absolutely find lasting happiness in accomplishing those goals. And whether it's affording you the tools, the connections, or even just the free time to pursue these goals, those are things money definitely can buy.

But what if you just don't want to accomplish anything? What if hard work and constructive activity are things that, in the parlance of our times, you can't even? Is there any easier way money can buy you happiness? Oh sure.

#1. Use It to Make Everyone Else Less Happy

Recent studies have found scientific evidence that online trolls are sadists who take pleasure in inflicting pain and humiliation on various people. However distressing that may be to the rest of us, the pleasure those trollish sub-people feel is very real. That's happiness, so if you've got more money than moral norms, look into high stakes trolling. Here are some ideas to get you started:

Buy a company. Don't lay everyone off; that lacks imagination. Tell everyone to shift jobs with whoever sits immediately to their left.

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Then fire the guy who sits on the leftmost side of the building.

When your car runs out of gas, leave it in the middle of the road. Go buy another car.

Park that second car right in front of the tow truck busy towing your first car, boxing it in.

Repeat as necessary.

Buy someone's treasured family home. Level it. Put up an adult toy shop there.

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Later, buy someone's treasured adult toy shop and turn it into a family home.

Find the guy you fired for sitting on the leftmost side of the building. Ask him what his name was again. Name your new adult toy shop after him. Give him a job there managing it.

Clone a dinosaur. Ride it around. Pick up none of the droppings. Pay the fines gladly.

Let your dinosaur off the leash in the park.

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Pay the fines gladly.

Buy another new car. Let it off the leash in the park.

Give your dinosaur a job at your adult toy shop. Tell the guy there to make it work. Also ask him to come up with a dinosaur-themed name for the store. Ignore his suggestion. Call it Sexosaurus Ass.

Explain to the guy that he's not fired, but he will have to change his name to Sexosaurus Ass now. When he refuses, tell him you admire his courage and that he's still not fired.

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But he will have to fight the guy on his immediate left to keep his job.


Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist and should not be considered a source of financial advice. Join him on Facebook or Twitter to hear more bad ideas.

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