Cracked Columnists

4 Ways Honey Boo Boo Redeemed Reality TV

#2. Sincerity

jezebel.com

This entire entry is going to be a paradox wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a family that eats roadkill. The big redeeming factor of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo is its almost inexplicable sincerity. They ate roadkill on the show, for God's sake. Honest to goodness dead animal on the street. They made it into sausage. In the garage. The whole family.

A whole family, in a garage, grinding a deer that was hit by a car into sausage. The little girl played with its head. I dare you to find anything that's more genuine than that anywhere in the world. TLC bit off more than it could chew with this family. They're Bane to TLC's John Daggett. They are driven by some heretofore unknowable purpose that we have to assume involves more roadkill, and maybe something to do with the mom's foot that was run over by a forklift at work.

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Is what we're seeing on TV honest? Almost assuredly no. I'm inclined to believe that TLC crews are feeding the family beans and extra-fizzy pop all the time to up the burp and fart ante in any given episode, and they probably ran over that deer themselves just to see if they could get the backwoods Kardashians to eat the poor thing. But they go for it. They go for everything. The entire family is like that guy you went to school with who would eat or drink anything just because you dared him to, like the word held some kind of crazy, preternatural power over his own sense of self-preservation and dignity. They just don't give a shit. If there are any shits to be given in that entire county, they're being hidden in someone's mattress where you and I are never going to see them, and neither is the damn guv'ment.

While the majority of TLC programming is decidedly manufactured, you have to acknowledge that no one was ever on the ball enough at TLC to devise a family featuring kids named Chickadee, Chubbs and Pumpkin, one of whom is a pregnant 15-year-old. And if they had manufactured it, they'd Dr. Phil that shit for at least an episode, delving into how and why a 10th grader is knocked up and where the dad is. But this family doesn't care. Instead, they go grocery shopping with a pantsload of coupons and buy 60 packs of toilet paper for only $20.

#1. Batshit Insanity

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I need you to sit down for this. You should be sitting while reading stuff online anyway, though, it's weird if you're walking around. Reading a tablet? Ugh. Just sit. The oldest daughter on this show was pregnant and, on the show, still is pregnant. But in real life she had her baby. Are you sitting? Oh my God, sit.

The baby has three thumbs. How perfect is that? The only possible way that could have worked out less ironically would have been if the baby turned out to be Kuato.

buzzfeed.com

Just imagine how awesome this kid is going to be at Xbox.

There are pictures you can find on the gossipy corners of the Internet right now showing the baby, with two thumbs on one hand, while one of the other daughters douses the kid's soother in an energy drink and pops it into her mouth. They're feeding energy drinks to a newborn three-thumbed baby. I don't even know where to begin. Yes, I do. They're feeding energy drinks to a newborn three-thumbed baby.

If you go deeper into the rabbit hole, you'll discover that the media has been enjoying itself digging up dirty secrets about the family, because a family that shows this side of itself to the public must be hiding something awesome. And according to official sources (The National Enquirer), Momma Boo Boo went to jail for passing bad checks, Poppa Boo Boo has burglary and firearms offenses, all four kids have different fathers, some of whom are sex offenders, and they have a pig. In the house!

Normally this is the kind of thing TLC lives for. I imagine TLC executives huddled together around some iridescent stones deep in their system of damp, muggy caves, feasting on the remains of a lost hiker and grappling with their prehensile penises, occasionally stopping to pay homage to the clan leader who was raised to his lofty station after pitching this show and then bashing in the brain of the former clan leader, all celebrating its current popularity. But it's a monster out of hand now, beyond the control of TLC. It is at once horrible but sympathetic. It's a Sarah McLachlan abused dog commercial with a "Yakety Sax" soundtrack. You should watch it. You'll never see anything more stunning on TV ever.

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Check out more from Fortey in The TLC Experiment: Just How Dumb is The Learning Channel? and 6 Reasons Homemade Porn is a Worse Idea Than You Think.

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Ian Fortey

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