Fighting games are rarely fertile ground for movie makers, as anyone who has seen turdfests such as Street Fighter and Tekken can attest. If you've never played the Soulcalibur series, things aren't looking much brighter; chances are the above picture and similar boobalicious antics are your only points of reference when it comes to the games. Sure, you might vaguely be aware that they're fighting games, and yeah, there are probably characters and endings and attacks and crap, but at the end of the day, it's all just a big bunch of Dead or Alive-style jiggle physics for the gamers too busy to browse for porn to ogle. Right?
Well, yeah. But! Once you manage to navigate through the sea of pixelated Jell-O mammaries, the games themselves are pretty decent. The series -- Soulcalibur III in particular -- is actually some of my favorite games, and it has (almost) nothing to do with the gratuitous amount of T&A. Being the kind of guy who habitually watches all the cutscenes and hunts down all the character endings even if I'm playing a Bible camp math game, I was immediately entranced by the series' story about an evil sword that wrecks shit and the surprising depth of the backstories of all the characters hunting said sword for various reasons.
Sure, many characters initially seem like "Swordfighter #47" and "Spear Guy #6" from Stock Fighter Depot's bargain aisle, but there's a twist to each and every one of them. The token "I'm the best there is" samurai character is going through a major existential crisis due to his inability to compete with firearms. Another character has spent decades locked in an underground vault, deaf, blind, and mute, slowly descending into BDSM gear-wearing, voices-hearing, flailing-at-everyone madness due to his horrific isolation. There's a nunchaku-wielding Elvis joke character that somehow manages to be a genuinely tragic hero. Hell, even the walking boob display cabinet up there is actually a pretty complicated character, ravaged by a nightmarish family history and some very literal personal demons. Yes, she has some daddy issues. Why do you ask?
"Guess which one I am?"
Each and every one of the characters proceeds in their chosen path of despair as the series progresses, occasionally murdered or otherwise incapacitated by incoming new characters. People have sons and daughters, who then grow up to join the sequels as new combatants. You could have your standard "knight in shining armor" character in one game, watch him become possessed by evil spirits in the second one, and spend the one after that reveling in pure supervillainy -- only for him to regain his full faculties in the fourth game, absolutely mortified by the whole "murdering scores of people" scene he's been frequenting, and spending the rest of his days desperately trying to redeem himself.
He fights evil with the Final Fantasy-approved style of absolutely unmanageable swords.
See where I stopped describing the games and started talking about the movie? No? That's because I never did it. Once you actually pay attention to the story behind all the overblown boobs and weapons that would get the characters killed in real combat, the series is halfway toward a huge fantasy epic before the first screenwriter even comes along. Actually, let's ditch the movie idea altogether and flat out make this a six- or seven-season TV series, Game of Thrones-style. After all, the story's already there, as are the awesome fighting scenes, awkward sexual connotations, and seemingly absurd supernatural elements.
Just ... just keep Voldo the hell out of the sex scenes, OK?
"I will totally be in all of them."
Relatively few people have actually played EarthBound, but most of us have sure as hell heard about the various ... oddities of this 1994 RPG. You know the ones I'm talking about: the cutesy, child-friendly graphics that are at constant odds with a plot that is rife with evil cults, spider robots, and ghosts that you must willfully allow to tear you apart, piece by piece by agonizing piece. The centerpiece of this tableau of insanity is without a doubt the game's final villain: Giygas, a mindless, gibbering idiot god that looks like a howling tornado made of abortion because that's precisely what he is.
"Thanks a bunch, buddy. How's your modeling career going?"
So why do I want to see a film version of this veritable buffet of batshit insanity? How could I not? For all the smack I like to talk about how I could totally come up with better movie plots than half the studios, I have absolutely no idea how an EarthBound film should (or, for that matter, could) be done. And now that I've got the idea stuck in my head, I'm itching to find out. I'm ... guessing it would be a horror movie of some sort? Maybe one of the really weird Japanese ones, in the vein of Shinya Tsukamoto's Tetsuo series ("Now with 300 percent more abortion Cthulhus!") or pretty much anything by Takashi Miike. Among American filmmakers, Don "dude who made Bubba Ho-Tep, John Dies at the End, and the Phantasm series" Coscarelli could probably pull it off. Not that I have any idea what said "it" even is -- I just want to see what any of those people could do with the concept.
Zoonar RF/Zoonar/Getty Images
This is my only mental image of what this movie could be like.
So, powerful studio executive who for some reason is reading this article: Please put this movie at the top of your list of terrifying things to do. Yes, even above that thing with the midgets and two cans of turpentine. I can guarantee that you won't make a single cent of money out of the deal, but you would at least make one Internet comedy writer deeply happy and almost certainly irrevocably traumatized.
And really, isn't that what life is all about?
Pauli Poisuo could probably bankrupt a major Hollywood studio within minutes. Follow him on Twitter.