Cracked Columnists

4 Video Games That Desperately Need a Movie Adaptation

Like many of you, I'm pretty big on deconstructing and nitpicking both movies and video games. Movies based on video games are my particular pet peeve, as it seems like they never get the essence of the source material right. I mean, just think about the movies about Final Fantasy, and how they managed to mess up practically everything that makes the games tick. Really, the mere thought makes me so angry that I ought to take this conveniently placed giant mallet and ...

George Doyle/Stockbyte/Getty Images
"Back off, people, I've got this."

Ahem. However, we're not here to judge today. Quite the opposite, in fact; we're here to create, to imagine what the absolute best video game movies would be. Here's four games that I would love to see on the big screen and think would best honor the source material. You are more than welcome to suggest yours in the comment section, and maybe -- just maybe -- a big-shot Hollywood executive will stumble upon this article in a coke-fueled haze while looking for donkey porn, realize that our ideas will sustain him for a lifetime, and send us all big fat checks stained with what are hopefully tears of gratitude. Well, that, or I'll drop by later and whiskey-scout the comments for material for a sequel article, drunkenly scrawling notes so I'll remember to name-drop the people who came up with the best ideas. It could go either way, really.

Here we go, yo:

#4. Psychonauts

Double Fine Productions

The core idea of Psychonauts is that your character can invade the heads of various other characters and have adventures in their vivid mindspaces, which captures pretty well the experience of getting so hammered that you become convinced you can read other people's minds and everything is simultaneously the most beautiful and terrifying thing you have ever seen. (This is a thing that regularly happens to everyone, right? It's not just me?)

Psychonauts is the Firefly of the video game world. Given its legacy in pop culture, it's no surprise that the game holds a special place in Cracked's collective heart: Its creepy Easter eggs and modern art qualities have earned it various #1 spots on our lists.

Via Psychonauts.com
They were this close to writing "BUY THIS OR YOUR FAMILY WILL DIE."

The first port of call when thinking of a movie version of Psychonauts is probably Inception, what with the whole "traveling in people's minds" thing heavily present in both. In fact, one fan made a crude trailer for an Inception-style Psychonauts movie. Hey, let's check it out to illustrate the point:

Holy shit! Did I say "crude"? Because I'll eat those words right now, with a pint of Sriracha to wash down all connotations of disrespect. In fact, the makers of the game agree with me on the impressiveness of that clip: Tim Schafer used it as part of his presentation when he pitched Psychonauts 2 to publishers.

There's just one thing: Although Inception and Psychonauts share certain similarities in atmosphere and central themes, the Nolanesque tone of the dream thief epic doesn't quite seem to match the skewed air of the game, apart from the fact that Leo DiCaprio wouldn't look out of place playing a cartoon character. To fully embrace the delightfully childish insanity of the psychonaut world, it would need to be an animated film. Luckily, we wouldn't be short of inspiration even then, because there's another beloved movie that has set the precedent for bringing extremely weird animated shit to screen in a manner that appeals to audiences of all ages and critics alike:

Touchstone Pictures
"Yo."

#3. Wolfenstein

id Software

It's kind of tragic that no one has attempted to film the Wolfenstein series. The franchise ushered in the ongoing era of 3D shooters, and experts believe the games are still the best method of recreational Nazi disposal, outside of taking a time machine holiday to 1945.

Perhaps Wolfenstein has gone unfilmed because for the longest while nobody really gave a damn about Nazis as movie bad guys. The barrage of huge World War II movies at the turn of the millennium saturated the market for swastika-wielding grimaces for over a decade, to the point where supervillain incarnate Hugo Weaving could play the goddamn Red Skull and still be left in the dust by pretty much all other villains in the Marvel movieverse.

Of course, the 2005 shitfest that was the Doom movie probably didn't help Wolfenstein's cinematic aspirations, either.

Universal Pictures
Every time Karl Urban fired a shot in Dredd, he aimed it at this movie.

But that was then. European films like Iron Sky and Dead Snow have been slowly paving the way for the revival of Nazi monsters, and since Hollywood is currently having the mother of all idea-recycling boners, the stars are slowly turning to a position where a Wolfenstein movie doesn't seem like a bad joke. (Well, no more than a franchise with ED-209 Hitler as a villain is supposed to.)

The main problem when adapting a gun-heavy game with Nazi supertechnology is the atmosphere. Sure, you could do a tongue-in-cheek Expendables-style romp with 1980s aesthetics and Scott Adkins minigun-punching SS troopers in the cyber-dick. Hell, throw in Steven Seagal as an inexplicably cast Robot Hitler, and I'd watch the shit out of that movie 17 times, each and every one of them after 2 a.m. Here, I wrote the script already:

curraheeshutter/iStock/Getty Images
EXT. CASTLE WOLFENSTEIN - SUNSET. Gunfire. Allusions to Commander Keen. Everything explodes for two hours straight.

But if we wanted to take the sneaky route, we might use a certain other franchise as our template. Since its debut in 1993, Mike Mignola's Hellboy series has often focused on the titular character's struggles with scary ubertech-wielding, magic-using Nazis and Hellboy's various "Die, you bastards!" reactions to the situations presented by them. These stories are all about a badass who is the only stick in the wheels of Nazi machinations and chooses to live out his role with extreme prejudice. Take away the demonic aspect of the title character, and a storyline like "Conqueror Worm" could easily play out as the cutscenes of a Wolfenstein game, not to mention the plot of a movie made from one.

Now, Hellboy has already been adapted for the big screen two times very well (the first one played a role in the creepy Nazi villain revival), and it just so happens that the dude in charge of said adaptations was none other than Guillermo del Toro, master of creepy-ass storytelling and, in this case, a very decent action director, too ...

... or, you know, we might just drop that train of thought, because it looks like Pulp Fiction co-writer Roger Avary (whose other credits less enticingly include Beowulf and the Silent Hill movie) is already somewhat attached to the project. Still, as long as Uwe Boll doesn't feature anywhere in the equation, I'll just be happy to have my fix of late-night Nazi slayin'.

Recommended For Your Pleasure

Pauli Poisuo

  • Rss

More by Pauli Poisuo:

See More
To turn on reply notifications, click here

662 Comments

The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!