Cracked Columnists

4 Video Games That Are Actually Worthy of a Movie Adaptation

#2. Metro 2033

4A Games/Deep Silver

First off, I admit I'm cheating a bit here. Although this idea does come from the commenter (namely, this fuckin' guy/gal whose name I don't even pretend to understand), it's breaking a fundamental rule I set for myself when choosing the entries: There should be at least some effort to elaborate on the idea, and not just "Game X Must Be a Movie!!!!"

But you know what? Fuck that rule. Because this comment right here brings us the goods in the simplest way possible:

If you're not familiar with it, Metro 2033 is a much-praised survival horror FPS from a Ukrainian developer called Deep Silver. It's based on a popular book by Dmitry Glukhovsky, and its premise is as simple as it is effective: A nuclear war has wiped out humanity, leaving the remainders of mankind to form ragtag societies deep in Moscow Metro, fighting radiation-created mutants and each other with the kind of reckless abandon and utter lack of fucks that we've come to expect from citizens of Mother Russia. The main character, a young man called Artyom, gets to experience the Hero's Journey in the creepiest setting known to man and beast. If he's the Hobbit, Middle-Earth's stunning views are replaced with bleak visages of terror-sewers, abandoned tunnels, and cramped station settlements that you just know smell of way more armpits than there are actual people living in there. Gandalf is a mysterious hobo you just know is perpetually on drugs (no change there, then), the dwarfs are strange whisperings in the tunnels, and Smaug is a series of existential disappointments thrust upon us by mankind's mindless destructivity.

Also, there's neo-Nazis and desperate murderous people and fucking horror movie monsters absolutely everywhere.

4A Games/Deep Silver
"Hello! The plot's so depressing, we're basically acting as the comic relief."

What intrigues me about this potential movie are the options it gives to the filmmakers: The relatively simple setting and the possibilities that nigh-constant darkness provides could make for a fairly small-budget study on human despair in extreme situations (and, of course, monsters and murder and shit), not unlike Pitch Black or, hell, Alien. On the other hand, the vastness of mutant enemies and warfare and the fact that a swept-over-with-mutants Moscow is ominously waiting right above the Metro tunnels provides an opportunity to full-on action, should the script (and budget) so dictate.

Personally, I like the idea of someone really talented cutting their teeth on Metro 2033 on a shoestring budget. This is a premise that lives and dies with atmosphere, and, as anyone who has seen Jaws can attest, sometimes the best trick is to show as little as possible.

#1. Brutal Legend

Electronic Arts/Double Fine

Fuck yes.

Apparently, it's impossible to do these columns without featuring a game from Double Fine Studios, and you know what? It's just fine, because much like Psychonauts (which featured in the last one) and Grim Fandango (which remains a story for another day), Brutal Legend is a goddamned sweet piece of work.

A short recap for those unfamiliar with the game: Jack Black plays a metal-as-fuck roadie who is technically called Eddie, but for the purposes of this article shall be rechristened "Jack Black with muscles" because, let's be honest, that's what he is. Jack Black with muscles is destined to fight an equally metal-as-all-hell evil uberlord and his glam rocker henchmen, with no help save for his ragtag team of, oh, just a bunch of actual rock and metal gods. The player gets to kick all manner of ass with in-game incarnations of people like Ozzy Osbourne, Rob Halford, Lita Ford (who plays a female version of KISS, because fuck logic when you have rock 'n' roll), and even freaking Lemmy.

Electronic Arts/Double Fine
Fun fact: He flat out refuses to punch anyone in the game because, let's face it,
the bad guys would be toast within seconds if he did.

It's basically the metal version of Kingdom Hearts, only with a badass soundtrack, Tim Schafer's trademark twisted humor, and the kind of fantasy setting that would make Manowar cover artists hang their heads in impotent shame. Commenter Ulrik had a lot to say about a lot of games, but his/her comment about Brutal Legend is the one that stuck:

Ulrik draws a fair comparison with Heavy Metal, the 1981 cult animated movie with similar themes and musical preferences. I take this to mean that he thinks this would make a kickass animated film, and while I do agree, I can't help feeling that it would ultimately be taking the easy route. A collection of badassitude as vast and magnificent as Brutal Legend deserves a live-action movie, and a glorious one at that. Hell, it's pretty much cast already. You've got Jack Black and a bunch of old-school music legends waging swords-and-sorcery-themed war on a villain who's played by motherfucking Tim Curry -- tell me that's not enough to lift this thing out of the "just for metalheads" niche pit and into the highest-grossing thing in all of existence, and I will ... well, probably agree with you, and then cry. Still, this movie should be able to easily bring in a fairly decent profit, if only for its inevitable Expendables-style cheesy 1980s nostalgia.

Electronic Arts/Double Fine
At this point, imagine I'm saying something coherent about, say, potential directors instead of ranting about
how much I want to see a Metal Beast on silver screen.

Ideally, Brutal Legend would be a really, really hardcore, big-budget version of Tenacious D's The Pick of Destiny: an action-packed, comedy-addled thing of pure, unadulterated rock 'n' roll glory that only avoids being called a musical through its sheer levels of testosterone. Incidentally, that also settles the director question: Just get Liam Lynch (him of "United States of Whatever" fame, and also the director of The Pick of Destiny) on the phone, I guaran-damn-tee he knows what to do.

Really, my only concern about this thing is that Lemmy hasn't been feeling too well lately, and there's the tiniest of chances that he might actually be somewhere between "bedridden" and "challenging God to a bourbon-drinking competition for control of heaven" by the time this thing would actually get filmed. Should such a tragic event happen, our only hope would be to hire someone like Daniel Day-Lewis to track down and channel the essence of the man.

On a positive note, Day-Lewis' preparatory period would probably be so extensive, he'd wind up headlining seven world tours and making three Motorhead records before anyone even called "action."

Wait, holy shit. Did I just invent a backup Lemmy?


Pauli Poisuo is a Cracked columnist and freelance editor whose musical tastes you can probably damn well guess after reading this (yep, he's all about Celine Dion). Follow Pauli on Twitter.

Recommended For Your Pleasure

Pauli Poisuo

  • Rss

More by Pauli Poisuo:

See More
To turn on reply notifications, click here

846 Comments

The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!