#2. People Who Get Offended at Comedy Clubs
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Hey, you like rape jokes, don't you? Of course you might, which means of course you might not, too. It's a total crap shoot. That's what makes rape jokes so fun to tell! You just throw them up there and hope for the best. They're like the Hail Mary of comedy.
If you're the type who disagrees with the above sentiment, though, a rape joke at a comedy club can be a lot like a foul ball or a broken bat at a baseball game. If you choose to buy a ticket, you do so knowing full well one might come flying at your head.
That's what happened last summer at the Laugh Factory in Los Angeles when, according to the version of events that work best for the premise of this article, Daniel Tosh popped in to do a surprise set. At some point, the talk on stage turned to what subjects can and cannot be considered funny.
That's where the details get hazy, but it's alleged that a woman in the audience yelled out "Actually, rape jokes are never funny!" or something to that effect, to which Tosh replied, "Wouldn't it be funny if that chick got raped by like five guys?".
Of course, they're both wrong, but we can't just collectively settle on that conclusion and power on as a team, so instead, the incident turned into a gigantic controversy that resulted in halfhearted apologies and everything.
Should it have, though? Surprise! I'm going to say no! For one thing, by all accounts, she spoke up first. Daniel Tosh didn't just out of the blue look at someone in the audience and make that joke. That would be fucking insane. No, she yelled something at him, a comic onstage at a comedy club. That makes her a heckler and, to put it in the most unfortunate way possible given the context of this discussion, that means she was kind of asking for it. You're allowed to be offended all you want at a comedy club, you just have to be quiet about it while you're at the club. Those are the rules and they've been in place for as long as we've been expecting people to not talk at porn theaters or jerk off at the library. That might be a hard pill to swallow, but the times when the crowd or ownership at a comedy club is going to side with the person shouting random stuff from their table are going to be rare.
That's especially true if they're mistaken about what they're shouting about. If you remember the Daniel Tosh rape joke controversy, you might remember that a few short days later, video of a bit by a comic named Ever Mainard started making the rounds at sites like Jezebel.com, which dubbed it "A rape joke that will actually make you laugh."
So apparently the Daniel Tosh rape joke wasn't racist enough? How rare is that? The point is, the woman at the center of the Tosh controversy was wrong about a lot of things, but the most important of those things was mistakenly believing she had the right to share her opinion in the middle of a comedy show.
And don't worry, if someone crosses a line with the audience in a really profound way, it's a problem that will work itself out when people stop asking that person to tell jokes at comedy clubs. If you don't believe that, find me some video of Michael Richards doing stand-up after 2006.
#1. People Who Get Too Close to Wild Animals
It's time to start giving these animals a goddamn break, everybody. We already eat them, which isn't something we can really be faulted for, because they are delicious.
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Especially like this
On top of that, we go and make things worse by constantly infringing on their territory. If you live in even a moderately sized city or town, right now there's likely a structure of some sort being built in an area that used to just be a wide open space where the wild animals of the world could frolic in peace. Again, not our fault. Animals should learn to use guns if they don't want strip malls in their living room.
There are some places, though, where the animals are still in control. And you know what? They can have every one of those places. If mankind hasn't built a Starbucks there yet, we probably don't want it anyway.
This is useless to man
Unfortunately, that means if you choose to go to one of these places and the animals decide you have to stay (typically as a meal), the rest of us aren't required to fight them for you. Expecting that kind of support out of people only leads to disaster. That's the lesson we learned watching that Grizzly Man documentary, where a bear loving animal activist named Timothy Treadwell dragged his then girlfriend to Alaska so they could live with the bears for a while. Like, literally live with the bears.
Pictured: Fuck this.
She apparently wasn't too keen on the idea because, again, bears.
Sure enough, Treadwell overstayed his welcome and got attacked by a particularly unruly bear. Treadwell's girlfriend tried to intervene on his behalf but, sadly, both of them were killed.
Only one of them should have been, though, and that's the one who thought living with bears in the first place was a good idea. It's high time the rest of us start letting people do shit like this by themselves. For all of the same reasons mentioned in the "absurd adventures" entry and more, daredevils who tempt fate by buddying up with wild animals are just going to have to start figuring that shit our on their own when things inevitably go wrong.
That goes for people who choose to live in the wild and those who bring the wild to them alike. If you want to have a pet chimpanzee, you better learn how to fight a chimpanzee. The rest of us shouldn't have to learn just to accommodate your need to own wacky pets.