#2. Ebonics: Rappin' With Jesus
There was a lot of controversy in the '90s over whether or not Ebonics was a legitimate language. I know enough about white people to know I don't get an opinion on the subject, but if I ever join an argument against Ebonics, Rappin' with Jesus is how I would win it. It's the New Testament, rewritten for only the downest of young brothers. I found a used copy of it in a thrift store, and its previous owner was the First Presbyterian Church in Ashland, Oregon. That means despite all the dimethicone in my shampoo-conditioner combo, I'm the blackest person who's ever touched it.
Before Rappin' with Jesus, only jive turkeys could understand the Bible. Jesus would be like, "Woe to you, Chorazin! Woe to you, Bethsaida!" And brothers be like, "Damn, from the way you talk, it sure doesn't sound like you oppose gay marriage." Then if I'm not mistaken, sisters be like, "Oh, snap!" That's why P.K. McCary rewrote it, removing any confusion. Behold, my damies, the new mothafuckin' word of God.
The first thing you should know about Rappin' With Jesus is that the author replaced every possible description for men with the word "brother," and the only time it's ever qualified is when one brother is another brother's right-on brother. Biblical scholars, take note: when you are someone's right-on brother, that's the only time you can be sure you're not someone's actual brother. It makes the stories where brothers share the same mother so confusing that they're almost not worth reading. The only lesson you can really take from this book is that God's instruction book on how to get into Heaven is the worst possible place for some idiot author to get all cute with jive talk.
I didn't realize until I read Rappin' with Jesus, but when square people try to talk street, they sound exactly like old timey prospectors. Did they do a DNA test on this author? Because this is exactly what it would sound like if a white kid overdosed on tanning pills, put on a daishiki, and tricked a publisher into letting him rewrite the Bible for African Americans.
Jesus felt for the brother because Jesus knew poor. Brothers on the block be like, "Where'd you get that house burger, Jesus? Your dad God can't afford no MacDonald's?" When they pulled Jesus off the cross, he didn't go to no hospital. He just rubbed Robitussin on his hands, except you know there ain't been no Robitussin in that bottle for years. Brothers just keep adding water and shaking it up when it gets to the bottom! Ladies, I ain't forget you -- women be shoppin'! I can't lie, I'm starting to really like this Bible.
#1. Family Circus: Lyric Language
Did you know there is a series of Family Circus-themed videos to teach children foreign languages? Family Circus! That's like letting Marmaduke teach kids how to unstrap a bra. It's not just stupid -- it's dangerously irresponsible. Let me show you what I mean:
These dipshits haven't gotten a homonym right in 52 years, and you want them teaching your kids language? What if you give them the tape on Chinese? Eighty percent of their words and names mean cock! It will be a blood bath!
These aren't the people to teach your children how to talk. These are the people to teach your children why humans should never fuck pumpkins.
The Family Circus kids have some trouble with idioms and similes too. The entire history of the comic is based around the subtle ways fetal alcohol children will never be like us. Family Circus treats language like uncooked chicken treats a public toilet. You could not pick a worse linguistic mascot.
Luckily, the tapes themselves are collections of live action music videos with no Family Circus involvement. Children sing songs in two languages and Family Circus cartoons only show up between videos to pointlessly have no point. For example, here's how Family Circus introduces a song about jump rope terms:
The jump rope video has nothing to do with Family Circus, but that's not the only reason it's terrific:
The following clip will teach you how to say the days of the week in French. However, due to the inspiration I received from Rappin' with Jesus, I've contemporized the audio track for my right-on brothers. Enjoy.
For more of his Cracked hilarity, see 6 Family Circus Cartoons Improved with Offensive Jokes or The 6 Worst Marvel Cartoons of All Time.