4 Uncool Fashions We Should Consider Bringing Back

#2. Clip-On Ties


I will never understand why clip-on ties had a stigma of lameness attached to them while traditional neckties continued on, unabated, perpetuating their bullshit antics.

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You can't even tell.

There is no practical, functional purpose of a tie, and there hasn't been one since some genius long ago made shirt buttons go all the way up. So when I create a loop that will hold my collar together, I'm creating a redundancy. It's like putting a clip on an unopened bag of chips. So, if the loop hasn't been necessary for way longer than any of us have been alive, why not eliminate it entirely? Yeah, tying the knot is a minor hurdle in life, but if we're keeping ties around purely for stylistic reasons, can't we at least get rid of the need to actually tie them at all to make a useless thing somewhat easier to manage?

The stigma of a clip-on is in the ease of it. Why does the physical action of tying a tie make it a better, more respected option? If no one can tell if it's tied or clipped, why does the way in which it's stuck to your neck matter? Let's admit that whether they be clipped or knotted by our own hands, it doesn't matter -- they're just a thing that fills in a gap between lapels. Ties are basically the fake flowers your mom keeps in a huge vase in the corner of her living room to fill up the emptiness you left behind when you went off to college.

Let's say I have two things: Thing A and Thing B. I tell you that if you use Thing A, there's a chance someone can strangle you with it. Thing B has all the benefits of Thing A, and the risk of strangulation is almost nonexistent.

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Thing A, basically.

Wouldn't you prefer Thing B? If you would, well guess what? Thing B was a clip-on tie the whole time! I'm basing this argument on the "Reasons for Use" subsection of the Wikipedia entry for clip-on ties -- a subsection that's been slapped with a "[citation needed]" tag. Apparently, clip-on ties are used by police officers and security guards so people can't choke them in a struggle. So, now I'm afraid of ties. Thanks, poorly citied Wikipedia entry.

#1. Fedoras

Technically, fedoras are in style right now. Thanks to the Internet, the "fedora-wearing men's rights guy with a button-up shirt with flames on it" has become a stereotype. It's an easy set of words people in comment sections and forums can toss out to pigeonhole someone based on the nearly nothing they know about them. Maybe you've seen it encapsulated in memes like this:


It's like calling someone a hipster, but harsher and with more disdain. I've been to enough anime and comic book conventions to know that type of person is real, right down to the fedora the stereotype describes. Still, I'm on the border between knowing they're real and wanting to believe it's a straw man used to absorb blame for some of the ills of the world. Real or fake, that special breed of asshole fucked up fedoras for everyone.

Fedoras are a clothing item from a time when wearing a hat meant something. It was more than a practical way of protecting oneself against the elements -- it was the cherry on top of a well-dressed man. No dashing suit was complete without a gorgeous fedora. As fashions became less formal, some people wanted to hold on to at least one item from that golden age of looking fly as shit. Today, only two types of men can wear a fedora, or anything fedora-like, with jeans and a basic shirt and not be considered a loser: 1) grey-haired older guys who don't own a single picture of themselves where they're not in the woods, and 2) guys so impossibly handsome they have to be the result of throwing a mannequin and an issue of GQ into the teleporter from The Fly.

Or if you're the guy who created Minecraft.

The modern use of the fedora is seen as a calculated maneuver, a blatant affectation. It's the hat preferred by those who, instead of cultivating an interesting personality, would rather wear a hat. Not a hat that will give them magic powers like Mighty Max. Just kind of an old-timey hat, a gesture that's only a step away from someone incorporating tuberculosis into their style.

One day, maybe in a far-off age when we don't dress like the only place we're going is from our bed to our toilet and back, fedoras will be ripped from the clutches of whoever the hell fedora wearers actually are. But until then, it will continue to be sunny as shit, and I won't be able to protect my scorched neck with a very practical hat because people will silently wonder why I'm not wearing a button-up shirt with a giant Dragon Ball Z mural on it.


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For more fashion statements from Cracked, check out 8 Cutting-Edge Fashions That Are Clearly Practical Jokes and 6 Popular Fashion Trends (That Killed People).

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