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4 Twilight Movies According to Someone Who Hasn't Seen Them

#3. Twilight 3: Twi, Darkman, Twi

What We See in the Trailer

19 million views for that trailer? Man.

This trailer also starts with a slow pan over the natural world. Mountains instead of clouds or the ocean this time. No cars, though. Progress, I guess.

We hear Edward's voice, so I guess he got tired of fucking off and came back. Edward and Bella stand in a field and he promises to love her every moment, forever. Is this how teen girls want to be talked to? Someone should fix teen girls. Suddenly, plot!

A shadowy organization headed by Dakota Fanning (really? She's in this? Huh.) confronts Edward. She's mad that Bella is still human, which is understandable -- I'm mad, too. Dakota mentions what I think is called "The Vulturey," and I'm assuming that's her club (and also an obvious attempt to force more Spider-Man comparisons, as the Vulture is a popular Spider-Man villain. It's not going to work, Movie, you will never be as cool, bold and funky as Spider-Man).

"The Vulturey does not give second chances," Dakota warns, and now I'm worried that maybe the Vulturey is a person, and not a club. Bella wants Edward to turn her into a vampire, but he doesn't want that life for her, because "every few decades, everyone [she] know[s] will be dead," and I don't give a shit.

We see shots of Bella hugging people and I don't give a shit, and then later some other bullshit happens and, if you can believe it, I don't give a shit about that either.

Although, hey, wow, what a dumb-looking guy. Dumb-looking Shirtless Guy says to Bella, "I'm in love with you, and I want you to pick me instead of him," because this movie's screenwriter graduated from the Characters Explicitly Saying What They Want and Are Feeling at Any Given Moment School of Screenwriting (I think the guys who write The Walking Dead TV show teach there). After Shirtless Guy gives Bella her ultimatum, she wears an expression that can only be described as "I haven't seen the new pages of the script yet and no one told me how to react to this news."


"I am aware that sounds are coming from your mouth."

People talk quietly for a little bit longer, and then Bella says, "Edward ... she found us." And then we learn that "she" is the live-action version of the chick from Brave.

I have now decided that that chick is the Vulturey. Maybe it's because she's here to kill Edward. Like, vultures circle things that are near death, and Edward, as a casual vampire, is sort of dead, so she's here to be all vulture-y and ... eat him?

Edward says he'll protect Bella, and Shirtless Guy says he will fight for her until her heart stops beating. Tween girls: Stay away from guys who say stuff like that to you in high school, they are not good guys!

What I Think It's About

Whooooooooo caaaaaaares?

#4. The Twilight Saga, Part 4 (of 4), Part 1 (of 2)

What We See in the Trailer

BOOM! Slow pan over shots of a lake.

Oh, hey, there's going to be a wedding. Bella and Edward are going to get married, and Bella's hanging out with her dad, who has black hair and a mustache, because that's what unimaginative writers think all dads look like.

Shirtless Guy is dancing with Bella at her wedding, because he's a dick, I guess. He says, "This is how I'll remember you: pink cheeks, heartbeat." Take it easy, Casanova!


"No matter what, you'll always be the girl with blood and functioning arteries to me."

Bella continues to wear facial expressions that baffle me, unless a thing about her character is that she's always pooping, in which case she is nailing it.


Poooooop.

Bella and Edward drive away and move into a giant house and then bone in it and it's really great for them. So great that Edward breaks part of the house while doing it.

Is Bella still in high school at this point? How did they afford such a nice house? Does Edward have a job? Doing what? Vampire stuff? Why would he let hard fucking ruin such a nice house? I don't understand anything. To distract me from all of my very reasonable questions, the movie makes Bella immediately pregnant.

We learn from a blond guy who isn't that first blond guy who we hate that the fetus isn't compatible with Bella's body, which, holy shit, why do kids like these books? The baby is apparently crushing Bella from the inside out, and Edward's really mad about this. Shirtless Guy is mad at Edward for making Bella pregnant, which seems unfair on Shirtless Guy's part, and also all of Shirtless Guy's wolf friends are mad, too, and they want to destroy Bella. For being pregnant, I guess. Is the stance of this movie that you shouldn't have sex even after you're married? This poor, boring girl is getting punished for finally having sex and she didn't even break a nice house while doing it.

Bella says, "You have to accept what is," and Edward says, "You've given me no choice," because screenwriting is whatever.

...

I swear I'm not trying to beat a dead horse, but let's consider the comic Spider-Man: Reign, a four-issue Spider-Man story set 30 years into the future (where Spider-Man is old and retired). In this very dark story, we learn that Mary Jane, the love of Peter's life, died as a result of having sex with Peter. MJ couldn't handle the radiation in Peter's ... fluids, so she died after sex-related complications. That death was meaningful, because it perfectly fits in with the essence of Peter Parker and one of the major themes of Spider-Man: guilt. Parker becomes Spider-Man because he feels guilty after his uncle's death, he pushes people away because he feels guilty after Gwen Stacy's death, and then he eventually accidentally kills Mary Jane and, of course, feels guilty after that. It's meaningful and important and perfect for the character.

I'm saying that Spider-Man already did the "supernatural guy has sex with normal chick and it's disastrous" storyline, and it was more appropriate and poignant and handled much better. Because in Reign, Mary Jane stayed dead, and in Twilight, I'm assuming that Bella is either going to survive childbirth or become a vampire, making the entire "I killed the love of my life by fucking too good!" plot completely meaningless.

Anyway, this fucking movie.

The wolf pack (minus Shirtless Guy) is coming for Bella, which implies a longstanding werewolf/vampire rivalry that literally hasn't been mentioned in any of the other trailers. Next, we see the only person in this entire franchise who actually looks like a vampire.

The trailer ends with a bunch of people running around while Bella attempts to give birth in the middle of the fancy house.

What I Think It's About

Edward and Bella fuck and it's great until it's bad, and then everyone's mad at everyone. This is Part 1 of a two-part finale, and unless Part 2 is all about how dead Bella is, I'm assuming she survives childbirth. Someone probably figures out "Hey let's just make her a vampire," and then they make her a vampire, and then everyone's a vampire, which makes the wolves more or less angry, I'm not really sure. Shirtless Guy will either die heroically or end up with one of the other minor characters. Dakota Fanning? Is she too young?

Anyway Bella fails out of high school the end.



Daniel O'Brien is Cracked.com's senior writer (ladies) and had a lot more fun pretending to know what was going on in the Harry Potter movies (Hermione). BUT the movie he's most excited about is Kill Me Now!, a teen-sex-horror-comedy by Those Aren't Muskets! featuring a TON of familiar Cracked faces. Go here to find out how to bring the movie to your town and make money doing it.

For more from Dan, check out 6 Harry Potter Films According to Someone Who Never Saw Them and If 'Twilight' Was About Dragons (And Contained More Fisting).

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