4 Twilight Movies According to Someone Who Hasn't Seen Them

Last year, I reviewed and dissected every Harry Potter movie from the position of a person who had never seen a single one of them. Having done a fair amount of follow-up work, I'm happy to say that, even though they were based solely on the trailers and misremembered conversations about Harry Potter with children, my reviews were mostly accurate (I now realize that a "muggle" is, of course, a type of candy).

I've also never seen any of the Twilight movies, because I didn't want to invest myself in a franchise so thoroughly that I wouldn't have time for all of the other things I like, and because I'm not a wiener. That said, with the final installment of the Twilight series out now, it seemed as good a time as any to get everyone up to speed on the franchise while doing the least amount of work possible.

#1. Twilight

What We See in the Trailer

The camera does a slow pan over a bunch of clouds and then some cars, and it sounds like they got the chick who sang in the Gladiator score to sing a bunch of nonsense here, too.

This, with a bunch of vaguely foreign gibberish.

We meet characters who I know to be named Bella and Edward, because I've been alive on planet Earth for the last few years and it's impossible to not know that.

The spooky text in the trailer informs us that, after this movie comes out, "Nothing will be the same," which is true in a very basic, technical sense (before this movie came out, there were no Twilight movies, and after it came out, there was one). Bella is about to get hit by a car, but Edward uses his super speed and strength to save her, and then whoever did color correction on this trailer gets fired.

Edward and Bella stare at each other with expressions that say "I am in this movie and looking at you" and "Me too," respectively. Edward runs away, but then Bella finds him again on a mountain and tells him that she thinks he's very fast and very strong, which, pro tip, is exactly what you should say to me if you ever want to hit on me.

"You're so strong and fast and oh MY, but that's an impressive vertical leap!"

Edward doesn't return the complimentary favor by talking about how pretty and nice-smelling and fast Bella is (which is what I would have done, because chivalry is NOT dead), and instead tells Bella to tell him why she thinks he's so fast and strong. She says, "I have considered radioactive spiders and kryptonite," which is dumb. Kryptonite didn't make Superman faster or stronger, it did the opposite of that. Next we see a bunch of shots of Edward jumping really high and running really fast and climbing trees with incredible ease, but I'm not going to post any pictures of that because I'm still too mad that Bella thought Edward might have been a spider-man.

Next, Edward says, "What if I'm not the hero? What if I'm ... the bad guy." Judging by this picture ...

... he almost certainly is. Look at him. He's all "Ooh, my dad could buy and sell this whole school," and she's all "Tell 'em, babe." Sidebar: My whole life I thought this franchise was about vampires, and a minute into the trailer I haven't seen any. It's so far a high school drama about pale people who climb trees and, if that's the case, I no longer understand what tweens respond to.

Bella and Edward are in the woods and Bella is slowly and clumsily putting Edward's secret together. She says he's pale, his skin is cold and he doesn't go into the sunlight, which, based on literally every image I've seen of Edward in this trailer, is factually unsound.

Bella says, "I know what you are," and Edward forces her to say it. Finally, she says "vampire," and the camera gets, like, right in her fucking mouth when she says it, to remind the audience where words come from.

There's also a scene where Bella's in the school cafeteria and she drops an apple, which Edward first catches on his foot, then kicks up to his hand and catches, while wearing the smuggest smirk I've ever seen on a person who thought kicking a cute girl's apple was a good thing.

Also, and I don't mean to come back to this, but Bella invited the comparison to Spider-Man by mentioning a radioactive spider, and I just want Bella and every freaking other person to know that this is how an Edward saves a girl's lunch:

And this is how a goddamn Spider-Man does it:

Again, Bella was the one who mentioned radioactive spiders, and I think it's important to point out that Edward is behaving very un-Spider-Man-like in everything he does.

Just ... when you throw around radioactive spiders and kryptonite, you sound stupid, Bella. You sound stupid.

Anyway, Bella knows that Edward's a vampire, but that doesn't seem to bother anyone, anywhere. Romance happens.

One minute and 30 seconds into the trailer is the first time anyone mentions someone potentially dying from a vampire. This is good news, because it's the closest thing resembling a plot we've seen yet. There's a different vampire, who is blond and shirtless and handsome, which, according to movie law, means he is bad.

It's clear that Blond Vamp wants to eat Bella, which seems like a perfectly normal vampire thing to do, but Edward doesn't want to let him, which seems less like a perfectly normal vampire thing to do. Bella says she'd rather die than be away from Edward, and suddenly I get extremely worried about the impressionable 12-year-olds who love this movie. To any 12-year-old Twilight fans reading this article, please don't die because the cute boy at school can run fast and kicks apples, he is a weird boy.

Hey, Blond Vamp and Edward are fighting! I didn't know this movie had fighting, that's neat. I thought it was about white people fucking, and some of them happen to be vampires but it's not a big deal. The trailer ends with Edward telling Bella, "You are my life now."

What I Think It's About

This trailer does a pretty good job of telling absolutely everything that's going to happen in the movie. Edward and Bella meet and fall in love based on their mutual appreciation of paleness and keeping your mouth open all the time, and then a bad vampire shows up and Edward has to kill him, and everyone's fine with it.

#2. Twilight 2: Twi Harder

What We See in the Trailer

This trailer has 13 million views? Jesus. You ever feel like the world isn't yours anymore? I feel like the world isn't mine anymore. Anyway, this trailer ALSO begins with a slow pan over the natural world (the ocean this time instead of clouds), followed by a shot of a car. That's a very specific stylistic decision, but whatever.

Edward and Bella are a couple, so I guess Edward murdered that blond guy from the first movie. Bella says she loves Edward, and he says, "You're my only reason to stay alive," which fuck this is a creepy relationship. Then Edward and some vampire friends throw a birthday party for Bella.

This is just me polling the audience, but do normal people always have lots of candles? I don't think I'll ever own or want to own as many candles as fancy people in movies and TV shows. I see it all the time -- whenever someone's trying to be spontaneous and romantic, they light like a hundred fuckin' little white candles. I have just enough candles to survive if the power goes out for a while, no more, no less. Anyway, the vampires make a nice cake for Bella, who jokes, "Why'd you make such a nice cake; you guys don't even eat!" Feels like a bold joke to make when, in fact, historically vampires eat stupid little white girls, but that's fine. Tease away, Bella.

Right on cue, Bella gets a paper cut. We know this because she is holding paper and then winces and drops it and then she says, "Ow. Paper cut." Just like a human. The blood from her fingers drives one of the other vampires crazy, and to protect her, Edward shoves her as hard as he possibly can, and then he fights the other vampire.

Bella was really hurt from Edward's aggressive shove, but she seems over it. She says that what happened with the blood-hungry vampire (whose name is Jasper, of all things) was "nothing." Edward is so upset with how he handled the situation that he tells Bella he's leaving and she'll never see him again, and I don't understand a goddamn bit of anything.

"I'm really sorry I saved you from that vampire. To make sure it never happens again, I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF."

I don't want to keep harping on this, but Spider-Man ALSO left the girl he loved to protect her. When Spider-Man did it, he just walked away, leaving Mary Jane to live her own life as an actress in New York. When Edward left Bella, he literally left her in the middle of the woods.

I don't bring this up because I'm obsessed with Spider-Man. Bella brought it up first. She made this happen.

Bella meets the first non-white person I've seen, who tells Bella he'll protect her, and then he immediately tries to eat her. That's actually what happens. He says, "I'll protect you, but I can't help myself, you're so mouth-watering." Just as quick as that. He's about to kill Bella, because he is also some kind of monster, when he notices something in the distance.

It's a shirtless guy! But not just any shirtless guy -- the shirtless guy who's in lots of movies now even though he's very bland indeed!

Hey, shirtless guy's magic, too! He has the ability to turn into a distractingly-terrible-looking-CGI-wolf whenever he wants!

I'd say he was a werewolf, but werewolves don't just turn into large dogs; they turn into monsters, and that only happens during a full moon, so something else must be going on here. Anyway that's the end of the trailer.

What I Think It's About

Things are great with Edward and Bella until they're not, and then Edward fucks off for a while. Bella, who claimed she'd rather die than be without Edward, decides that's a crazy thing to do, and she decides to start dating the handsome bland guy who can turn into a wolf. The rest of this movie is about those two falling in love while he protects her. It's just like the first movie, except now it's a love story between Bella and Shirtless Guy, and instead of them having a Blond Guy as the bad guy, they have the Dreadlocked Black Guy. All fight scenes will likely involve a painful amount of bad CGI.

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Daniel O'Brien

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