#2. The A-Team Had a Strict "No Girls Allowed" Policy
The A-Team was like a secret government experiment to create the ultimate TV show for boys. The series starred Special Forces soldiers; it had gunfights; it had high-speed collisions; and it taught us the joy of making improvised weaponry. Needless to say, I loved every second of it, but then sort of forgot about the show until I moved to Japan and discovered that its Japanese title is actually A-Team: Suicide Attack Bastards.
That title really stuck with me, because doesn't it perfectly sum up what The A-Team was all about (that being the cartoonish adventures of the four humors shooting homemade explosions at bad guys)? It certainly conveys the right level of preteen machismo that inundated the show, both on and off camera. In fact, the series was so much about the penis that half the cast actually took it upon themselves to make sure every woman on set felt like a recently laid turd atop a pile of fresh laundry.
"Girls are gross!"
Melinda Culea, who played the go-getting reporter Amy Allen, was the sole off ingredient in The A-Team's sausage stew throughout Season 1 and half of Season 2, until she was replaced by Marla Heasley's Tawnia Baker. Now, we don't know the exact reason for her departure, but according to Dirk "Faceman" Benedict, it was because she complained a lot. What about? Oh, you know: wanting her character to fire a gun, get in on the action, be more assertive, and other chick stuff like that.
"But ... but ... your vagina." -The A-Team writing staff
Culea's replacement was eventually let go as well, which shouldn't have been that much of a shock, after George "Hannibal" Peppard allegedly said to Heasley during her first day:
We don't want you on the show. None of the guys want you here. The only reason you're here is because the network and the producers want you.
Peppard later claimed that his comment concerned the nature of the show and not Heasley's abilities as an actress ... and yet he later uttered crap seemingly straight out of Anchorman: "Whenever the studio slips an actress onto the team, she becomes a distraction. She always slows down the action. She's someone who's only there for the glamour shots."
It's a miracle that he didn't accuse Heasley of attracting bears with her periods.
"You know that you're endangering the lives of everyone on this plane, right?"
#1. The Cast of Saved by the Bell Had to Constantly Deal With Screech's Douchebag Antics
In the late '80s/early '90s, television was flooded with a string of innocuous sitcoms starring a group of teenagers who looked like the aftermath of a vicious prank perpetrated on a blind person's closet. But among all the pastel-washed shows with painfully unrealistic portrayals of high school life, one stood out from the rest: the 1989-1993 series Saved by the Bell.
The first sitcom with an openly sociopathic protagonist.
Saved by the Bell wasn't necessarily better than all the other shows that came before it, but it arrived just as a new generation of viewers found themselves in need of their own cliche stories about cliques dealing with "problems" that could be solved in 24 minutes or less. I think that's the main reason why so many people loved this show and its characters, although hopefully your favorite character wasn't Dustin Diamond's Screech, because, by the man's own admission, he is what made working on the show less pleasant than getting a colonoscopy with a GoPro camera.
via AV Club
And about twice as shitty.
On the show, Screech was the squeaky-voiced nerd and what some would consider the heart of the SBTB gang, despite being the butt of the occasional joke. But according to Diamond's 2009 tell-all book, Behind the Bell, the man behind Screech was no butt, because everyone else was the butt, and he was the especially large penis fucking that butt. So take that! He calls his penis a "monster" and describes shooting in different locations as "all you can bang buffets" and "subsidized trips to Assylvania." [Editor's Note: We reached out to the prime minister of Assylvania for comment, but as yet have not received a response.]
Yeah, the entire book is pretty much just that mixed with stories about Diamond "owning" his colleagues, like when he sneaked backstage and pissed in the bag of an extra who had previously insulted him. Between every line of his book, it's clear that the truth is that Dustin Diamond didn't fit in with the rest of the cast because he was a bit younger and several bits douchier. Instead of owning up to this loneliness, he went around spreading baseless rumors about everyone being involved in drunken/stoned threesomes and later published them in a book with his old co-workers' photo hovering above his dick on the cover.
But that is not what Diamond ultimately wants you to take away from his book. He mainly wants you to know that he was a dangerous, partying playboy, always ready with a sick burn or a clever putdown.
Just going to leave this picture here for no particular reason.
For example, he frequently refers to Mark-Paul Gosselaar (Zack) as a "bitch" and calls Tiffani-Amber Thiessen (Kelly) a "set whore and Hollywood's pass-around girl." Interestingly, he never claims to have slept with her, but that's OK, because his huge penis has allegedly helped Diamond bang over 2,000 other women. I guess he really wanted to hammer in the point that Screech's squeaky voice was the side effect of Diamond's mutating body struggling to grow a permanent popped collar out of his bones and cartilage.
Cezary Jan Strusiewicz is a Cracked columnist an editor. Contact him via firstname.lastname@example.org.
For more television goodness, check out 19 Classic TV Shows (If They Never Got Cancelled).