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4 Tips for Properly Attacking Animals with a Bicycle Chain

As a Cracked reader and red blooded individual, you're constantly looking for new experiences. "I want to live, God damn you!" you shriek at the sky, pounding your fists against your chest. "And not like the rest of these feeble minded food-holes. I need something real." A bolt of lightning strikes a tree behind you, sending it into flames, silhouetting you like an exclamation mark. "I need to attack an animal with a bicycle chain!" you say, and it is so true, the truest thing ever. "If only I had a guide to show me the way ..."

Welcome champion. This is the guide you were looking for. In the next few scrolls of your mouse wheel, you'll learn all the do's and double-do's of how to successfully attack an animal with a bicycle chain. I encourage you to use this advice as you make your way through the world, attacking animals and not telling anybody where you learned how.

"With this I will paint a portrait of pain."

What's Your Problem Anyways?

Before we begin, it's important to pin down your motivation for attacking an animal with a bicycle chain. There are two primary reasons why you might want to do this:

1) You have a massive chemical imbalance in your brain

2) Other

Once you've selected which applies to you, be sure to act consistently, to make your behavior seem more plausible to the outside world, and to assist the actors who one day struggle to recreate your great deeds.

Know Your Weapon

A bicycle chain is a segmented chain composed of tightly joined links, arranged such that they can only flex along a single axis of rotation. Bicycle chains are often found on bicycles, and in the hands of people with massive chemical imbalances in their brains.

These particular examples date from 19th century Italy, when young rogues used them to ride bicycles and thrash ugly dogs. The 30k dog-thrash biathalon remained Italy's national sport until the 1970's, when it was changed to smoking.

A bicycle chain has three main methods of attack:

Lashing/Whipping

Hold one end of the bicycle chain, and swing the remainder forward. A simple forward motion results in a lash - alternately, by recoiling your hand rapidly at the end of the stroke, the far end of bicycle chain will snap forward in a whipping motion. Both techniques can be effective at expressing how angry you are at an animal, and how superior human beings are for having mastered bicycle chain technology.

Because a bicycle chain can only flex in a single direction, make sure to whip your chain in that direction only. Rotating the chain 90 degrees and swinging it that way will not allow the chain to flex. Although this will certainly hurt whatever is struck, a solid impact will likely cause the links to shatter, leaving you chainless, and humiliating both yourself and all mankind.

Professional golfer Anthony Kim, seconds after shattering his bicycle-chain while chasing a gray squirrel. Note the look of utter despair, as Kim sits, doomed to forever wonder what might have been.

Strangling

Grasp both ends of your bicycle chain and, coming from behind, loop it over the throat of the animal you're attacking. This is a very intimate way of using a bicycle chain to attack an animal, and police profilers will assume that you knew this animal personally. "And possibly sexually," they'll say, before a snap cut to commercial.

Throwing

Wrap the bicycle chain into a compact lump, and heave it at the animal in much the same way as you would throw a ball or a smaller animal. This type of attack is largely ineffective, but may prove useful in specific circumstances. If you find yourself needing to attack a slow moving animal while in a seated position for example. In a lawn chair, attacking an insolent sloth in the sloth enclosure at the zoo is what I'm imagining, but please don't let that limit your own creativity.

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Chris Bucholz

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