#2. Use It to Complain to the President
Back in April, former child star Amanda Bynes was arrested for a DUI after she reportedly sideswiped a police car. There's nothing funny about that to me. Because driving drunk isn't funny, and because celebrities thinking they're allowed to do whatever they want isn't funny, and because I take no real joy in an inoffensive former Nickelodeon star making some terrible decisions.
Then two days ago she had her court hearing, where she was officially charged with one count of misdemeanor DUI. And then she tweeted the President of the United States of America and asked him to fire the cop who arrested her.
And you better believe I can laugh at that. Now, I don't know everything about presidents, but I know a lot, and I'm almost positive that a president doesn't have the power to arbitrarily fire any random police officer working in America, no matter how mean that cop might have been to one of the actors from Hairspray.
Now, I'll admit, I don't have the smartest Twitter account in the whole world ...
... but I do take pride in the fact that, as dumb as I am, I've never publicly asked President Barack Obama to fire a cop who I thought was mean to me. Bynes making such a casual, clueless tweet is one of the worst displays of entitled celebrity culture I've seen in a while, and I'm alive in Los Angeles in the present, where entitled celebrity culture is actually treated as legal currency.
And let's say Amanda Bynes is telling the truth. Let's say that a cop is wrongfully accusing her of a crime she didn't commit. She could be as innocent as a snowflake, but publicly telling the president to fire said police officer is one of the most oblivious and aggressively ignorant moves she could have made.
#1. Find Out How to Murder Someone
This is sad. About a week ago, two people in Florida murdered their roommate. That's the sad part.
Now here's the dumb part: The police found the killers because they had "ways to kill people in their sleep" in their Google search history.
They Googled murder and "how to create an alibi" before murdering someone and didn't expect to get caught. In 2012. Now, we've all done our fair share of humiliating Googling (my current search history includes "Is gluten an animal?" and "Is there a petition to get Space Jam on Netflix Instant??"), but we've also all been on the Internet long enough to know that absolutely everything we've ever done can and will come back to haunt us. I'm still convinced that my old college, Rutgers University, refuses to take my calls because it knows I once Googled "Is it normal to be attracted to The Lion King's Nala?" from one of their computer labs.
I've got this mostly under control now, but every so often ...
But these people Googled "murder," and everything around murder. Just take a look at their computer history:
"What kind of chemicals make you pass out?" "What's on those rags that make people pass out?" "Murder-suicide." You can't make this stuff up, these people ... wait. Hang on one second.
They stopped in the middle of their murder Googling to read a freaking Cracked article?! Look, traffic is traffic, and we're happy to get the hits, but I'm not too thrilled that murderers read this website. We specifically avoid writing articles teaching people how to murder other people because it's simply not a market we're hoping to break into. Also, if they're trying to kill someone in their sleep, what good could come of reading an article about insane things people have done while sleepwalking? Were they worried they'd make their victim pass out, only to have that victim sleepwalk her way to the police department to file a report? Also, I know you guys are the stupidest people on a list of exorbitantly stupid people written by an endearingly stupid guy, but, like ... focus. If you're going to murder someone, don't get sidetracked by Cracked.
That goes for all of you murderers. Please stay away from Cracked.com and everyone involved with it.
Daniel O'Brien is Cracked's senior writer (ladies) and has no advice for murderers (murderers, police officers, also ladies, I guess).