Cracked Columnists

4 Things You Should Never Do in Front of People You Love

#2. Don't Get Hammered in Front of Your Kids

BananaStock/BananaStock/Getty Images

Listen, I understand that getting drunk is lots of fun. I liked it so much that I had to stop doing it altogether, in fact. That doesn't mean I expect anyone else to, though. I mean, I don't need any of you to suffer for my sins, you know? Just who do you think you are, Jesus or something? If so, you're probably smashed right now. That's appropriate, I reckon.

At least it's appropriate assuming you're not currently responsible for the care of your children. Read that slowly, lushes. It doesn't just say "out in public with your children." That you shouldn't get sloppy drunk while hitting the town with your kids is something you shouldn't need anyone to tell you. I've known plenty of people who think that rule doesn't necessarily need to apply at home, though, and those people are wrong. You know, like David Hasselhoff!

He made the mistake of getting blackout drunk with his kids around, and they responded in exactly the manner one should in that situation: record video, upload it to YouTube, and then use the resulting public shame to temporarily revive the offending drunkard's career.

Kevin Winter/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
"It's your fault this time, America!"

Obviously, the real reason his kids recorded that sad moment in Hoff-story was to shame their drunken father into getting his life in order. Chances are, if you're getting that wrecked around the house, your kids probably aren't as confident in their ability to Internet shame you back to stability. Maybe a window of opportunity existed in that respect back when A&E was still turning debilitating dependency issues into theater, but those days are long gone now.


We will never forget you.

Even if that wasn't the case, you're not Ozzy Osbourne. Your drunken shenanigans are only going to make you famous among the offspring who no longer desire to speak to you. I get that you're home and you should be able to do whatever you want, but that's not true, because you have kids. If some shit goes down and someone has to make important, adult decisions in an emergency situation, that person, ideally, shouldn't be hammered.

Hemera Technologies/AbleStock.com
If you'd told me one month ago that I'd find a use for this stock photo someday, I'd have called you a liar.

Again, I'm definitely not saying that people shouldn't drink. If your kids are gone or if you don't have kids, by all means, get sloppy everywhere you go (responsibly). Hell, I'm not even saying you shouldn't drink in front of your kids, but there's a huge difference between having a beer after dinner and having a case of beer after dinner, that difference specifically being your ability to function. If people are relying on you to keep them safe, it's your responsibility to keep it together.

BananaStock/BananaStock/Getty Images
Or at least let the kids start drinking, too.

Besides, how many of your proudest moments involve you being drunk? Please note, I said "proudest," not "funnest." If anyone's having fun when your kids are around, it should be your kids. I get that this sentiment is almost certainly why people drink around their kids in the first place, but that doesn't make it any less true, I'm afraid.

#1. Don't Watch Sex Scenes in Front of Your Parents

MorgueFile

When you were a child, did you ever watch movies with your parents? If so, do you remember what happened if an especially "adult-themed" scene popped up unexpectedly? Chances are either the channel was changed immediately or you were ushered out of the room with similar swiftness. It's easy to chalk their actions up to them being good parents, but the truth is, they probably didn't give a shit about you seeing a pair of exposed breasts when you were still too young to care; they just didn't want to feel like bad parents. That's an uncomfortable way to feel.

As you get older, though, you should be the one who's uncomfortable. No matter how many years have passed, nothing about the dynamic between you and your parents should have changed as it relates to fictionalized sex. There should never come a time when mother, father, son, and daughter gather 'round the television as a family to watch Cinemax After Dark.

Vimeo
But definitely not for families, either.

That should still be plenty awkward for everyone involved. The only difference is that, now, if one of your parents were to grab the remote and change the channel the second someone started boning, you'd probably yell at them for treating you like a child or some shit. That doesn't mean they want to watch people bang while enjoying your company, though. No, they want that channel changed or that scene forwarded through just as badly as you do, except they want you to take the initiative to do it for a change. If they were worth anything at all as parents, they've trained you well for this moment; don't mess it up by letting that Hollywood fucking play out for one second longer than it must.

Yes, I get that, technically, you and your parents are all adults, which positions you well within the "adult entertainment" demographic, but that label is one that's meant to signify how entertaining that content will be to you, individually. If you ask me, there should be a separate rating or labeling system that tells moviegoers how comfortable they'll be screening that particular film in the company of others.


In fact, maybe just make sure you're alone altogether when you watch this one.

Maybe a multiplication table type of setup where if you're watching a particular movie with a particular group of people, you just locate where that group and movie cross on the table and that tells you how uncomfortable things will get should you choose to proceed. Should you watch Requiem for a Dream with your parents? Only if you're comfortable with your mom being in the room when a disgusting businessman yells "Ass to ass!" at Jennifer Connelly as she shares a dildo for two with a fellow heroin addict. (The clip below is very much NSFW.)

Guess what? You aren't comfortable with that at all. There are some things you and your parents should not share; films about young women bartering sex for drugs is one of them for sure. Unfortunately, film details like this are rarely listed on the DVD cover or in the two-sentence synopsis on Netflix. That means sometimes uncomfortable viewing situations will arise. Having a raucous sex scene suddenly appear while you're enjoying a film with your mom or dad doesn't make you a degenerate, but sticking it out to enjoy the boning as a family probably does.


Adam hosts a podcast called Unpopular Opinion that you should listen to on Soundcloud and a live stand-up comedy show of the same name that you should come see sometime if you're in the Los Angeles area. You should also be his friend on Twitter, Facebook, and Tumblr.


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