Ages 17+: Halloween Party Fouls
College-aged children will eventually grow out of their primitive desire to wreck other things, and instead become focused on wrecking themselves. This ethanol-fueled self-destruction is generally less disfiguring than handling small explosive devices, although it can still leave some pretty gruesome human wreckage.
Neither of these people will become president.
A typical Halloween for these young adults will involve donning a hilarious or sexy costume, attending a party full of like-minded sex/comedy enthusiasts, drinking their faces off and trying to convince their cohorts to go to bed with them.
"WHO REQUIRES ORAL PLAY?"
But when pursuing hot and hilarious young things through a haze of alcohol, mistakes are inevitable. These can include:
- Barfing on yourself
- Barfing on your prospective mate
- Threatening to barf on your prospective mate
- Getting naked on yourself
- Threatening to barf on your naked self.
While all of these behaviors have been worthy of regret before, in recent years they've become even more cringe worthy, what with the advent of cell phone cameras and YouTube. When clips of you holding open the waistband of your Power Ranger tights and vomiting into them like you're trying to put out a fire make it online, your regret is going to last well past November 1st.
Ages 45+: Shot a Kid
Eventually you'll get tired of the drinking and getting shot down scene, and may even meet a partner who accepts you for all of your nude vomiting faults, or perhaps more likely, one that just doesn't know about them. But regardless of whether your relationship is built on ignorance or lies, you will eventually settle down. This can mean marriage and kids, or it can simply mean the responsibility which comes with ownership. Assuming you're not vomiting away every nickel, you will eventually accumulate enough belongings that you'll want to keep them all in one place. A nice shopping cart at first, and then possibly a house.
And every Halloween, teenagers will come around and shit on your stuff. Sometimes figuratively, but also sometimes not. This will, for lack of a strong enough word, make you unhappy.
"I hope that's figurative shit I'm smelling."
So one Halloween, you'll find yourself lurking in the bushes in front of your house, armed with a garden hose, waiting to douse young punks with righteous, chilly justice. This is fine and normal, and except for the fact that the children will spot you and fire roman candles at you until you cry, is a pretty good plan. Where the plan falls apart is when you rush back in to the house to retrieve your grandfather's old service pistol, the one he bequeathed to you with the promise that you not do anything stupid with it. You've broken that promise once, naming the gun Eleanor, and that night you'll break it again, when your warning shot successfully warns several children by clipping one of them.
The morning after, you're going to feel awful about this, and about how you probably should have called an ambulance or applied pressure to the wound or done anything other than sprint into the night. When the police find you, prone on the roof of your house, sweating, it will take some doing to coax you down. But, weary of the paperwork that happens every Halloween from incidents exactly like this, they'll let you off with a warning. "It was just a teenager," one of the officers will say quietly to you. "He'll heal." That will be mostly true, 60 percent true it turns out, at least when measured in the mobility of his right shoulder.
Which makes taking out the trigger slack on someone who can't drive yet is surprisingly the least regretful item on this list. Being responsible for the loss of 40 percent of a dink's shoulder mobility is clearly worthy of some remorse, but as it won't really limit his career prospects in the taco industry, it's something you'll find surprisingly easy to live with. You learned your lesson, he learned his, and furthermore, it will give the young thug an interesting story to impress girls with when he gets older.
"WHO WANTS TO SEE A CRAZY SCAR?"
Check out more from Bucholz in Which Site Has The Stupidest Commenters On The Web? and My Failed Attempt to Return a Broken 'Comfort Wipe'.