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4 Things That TV Commercials Will Never Show You

#2. Moms in Paper Towel Commercials Being Anything Other Than Psychotically Happy

I'm not saying moms in paper towel commercials should be mad at their children for making a huge, sometimes purposeful mess. I just want to know why the moms are always so happy about it.

Either their child is a brat or their kid has motor skill issues and is looking for a snack. And then ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE AND THE KID IS FLOPPING SPAGHETTI ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE AND THERE'S FRUIT PUNCH SHRAPNEL FLYING EVERYWHERE AND MY GOD IT'S A MEATLOAF IED! SAVE YOURSELVES! LET THE CHILDREN DIE!

Luckily, there is a hero, and her name is Mom.


"Smile ... hurts ..."

The moms of paper towel commercials all exist within the same alternate universe where female joy is limited to being a Roomba made of people meat that erases all traces of their child's destruction. That shit's like parachuting for them. She needs a cigarette after wiping away chocolate milk that somehow got splattered on the back of the fridge.

"A mess! I can feel validated and useful!"

Some paper towel commercials take it even further, like this one, where a real dickhead of a kid purposefully douses his unsuspecting mom with a shaken 2-liter of soda:

In response, she sprays him with a sink faucet hose and they have a jolly good time soaking their kitchen. But it's all fine! That lady has a roll of Viva paper towels, which miraculously went untouched by liquid. This is so far from normal human behavior that I will refer you to a YouTube comment left on the video by a person named Improbable Lobster, because Improbable Lobster summed it up best: "Why kind of fucked up mom is that."

Why kind indeed, Improbable Lobster.

#1. Men in Shaving Commercials Who Actually Have a Need to Shave

Some guys have to shave every day or else they show up to work with that unmistakable "I've gambled my life away, so where's my scotch? Which one of you bastards took my scotch?!" look. Their morning routine involves at least 10 minutes of fighting back their nightly transformation into an alpaca.

Christopher Furlong/Getty Images News/Getty Images
"Rough morning, Bill?"

Guys in shaving commercials, on the other hand, seem to shave compulsively, like with every swift stroke of the razor the memory of that horrible thing they did gets pushed down harder, deeper into the abyss of their memory.


"If I cut myself, then the memories will leak out, right? RIGHT?!"

That, or they don't grow facial hair fast enough to warrant a shave, a fact evidenced by their complete lack of anything resembling even the faintest memory of stubble. Look at tennis player Roger Federer as he tries to slice away his face flesh to be more aerodynamic seemingly just an hour after having shaved.

The blade exposing a baby-smooth patch of skin as it carves through the rich lather does its job of selling the product but raises all sorts of questions about the person shaving. What kind of internal and external pressures are they under that compel them to shave without reason? Can any of them actually grow facial hair, or are they just going through the motions, like a boy "shaving" with a bladeless razor to feel like a grown-up? And why the hell are these masochistic psychos shaving against the grain from the start? Don't they know they're leaving themselves open to the horrors of razor burn?!


Savages.

In their relentless quest to get a shave so close that it defies all natural laws of man, they'll slice through the cheek and start shaving the plaque off their teeth. And if they did, do you think they'd show any messiness around their lips as a sign that they're actually accomplishing anything? Nope.


Luis is busy shaving for the ninth time today. In the meantime, you can find him on Twitter and Tumblr.

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