#2. Everybody Dance NOW
The coolest guys on campus are having a party; I hope you're ready to fucking dance, because that's all you'll be doing. I mean, there's music happening, so EVERYONE is dancing, because that's what parties are, right?
Universal Studios, DreamWorks
You can tell it's fiction because all the white people have rhythm.
If you can't dance, you should just stay at home, because those women from Orange County choreographed a whole thing and you'd better not get in their way.
Most college parties involve dancing. They also involve sitting and talking. Pizza, maybe. That's how you know it's a good party.
I was actually really stressed out about parties when I got to college, because movies trained me to believe that every college party was a nonstop disco in a sweaty basement with not enough room and nowhere to put down my notebook and oh my God, Dan, why did you even bring a notebook to a party?
I can have fun dancing, but that's also exhausting and not my ideal time every night. Also, parties are where you meet girls, and dancing doesn't rank on the very short list of my "moves." (That list: jokes, making pasta, not being a racist, can hold my breath for a very long time.) It was a real relief for me to learn that again movies lied to me, and that the average frat party has, yes, a dance floor, but also a backyard, where the smokers and Daniels can hang out and talk about Arrested Development or whatever cool, formative show modern college students are obsessing over today (Vampire Something?).
#1. Drinking Will Turn You into a Better and More Interesting Person
Face it: You've had a stick up your ass your entire life. You keep your head down and you work hard and study and you think you're happy but, spoiler alert, you're not. The person who paid attention in school and never missed a deadline isn't who you want to be, but you won't know that until you drink at the big party and unleash the secret party animal that was hiding inside you this whole time. You may not have so much as sniffed alcohol before, but drinking a WHOLE LOT the first time you drink will expose the real you. Loosen up. With alcohol!
Just look at William, the awkward introvert from Can't Hardly Wait:
"Oh boy, I can't wait to try cocaine!"
Alcohol even, apparently, gave him a much bigger dick.
Alcohol can be a useful social lubricant for some people, lowering inhibitions and so on, but it's not like you or anyone has a hidden, amazing, inner-personality Hulk that's just waiting to be awakened by alcohol. A few cups of beer might loosen your tongue or pack on some beer muscles, but it won't drastically change your personality.
That said, binge drinking the very first time you drink MIGHT turn you into a different person, but not the kind of person who sings "Paradise City" and hooks up with two women at a time. It'll turn you into this guy.
John Tomaselli/iStock/Getty Images
"Won't someone please take me home? I'm not singing, I legitimately want to go home, please."
Hey, look at that. There was something hiding inside him, waiting to come out this whole time.