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4 Things Movies Always Get Wrong About Awkward People

#2. Awkward Doesn't Mean Charming Sex Machine

Back in 2009, I was super excited when I saw previews for Adventureland. I liked Greg Mottola as a director, and I loved most of the cast, but mainly I was excited because it was about a scrawny, curly-haired kid with a stutter who took a crummy summer job at an amusement park while he figured out what to do with his life. The preview presents him as a nervous and awkward guy who doesn't seem to know how to talk to women. Now, I never worked at an amusement park, but I did work a crummy summer job at a summer camp when I was a scrawny, curly-haired kid with a stutter. I was nervous and awkward, and I barely know how to talk to women today, 10 years later (you aim your words at the face, right?). I saw Jesse Eisenberg's character and thought, "Yes, this is going to be great, this will be an authentic representation of my awkward summers. We are the same, Jesse."


I don't know which one to shoot!

I was expecting a movie about an awkward guy stuttering and fumbling around for a few months, striking out with girls and finding joy in hanging around his other awkward friends, making jokes about Star Wars.

If you haven't seen Adventureland, forgive my spoilers: Jesse spends the entire movie getting high and juggling relationships with the two most beautiful women at the park. And if you haven't seen my life, forgive my spoilers: That's not what being awkward is like.

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Jesse, no! YOU WERE THE CHOSEN ONE!

Don't get me wrong, I still really like the movie, it's just always frustrating when you think things are going to be one way and then it turns out they go the other way. Every movie that's allegedly about an awkward kid (Superbad, I Love You, Beth Cooper, additional Michael Cera movies) inevitably involves the main character going on a CRAZY ADVENTURE and then ending up with his dream girl. There wasn't a second of Adventureland dedicated to Jesse's uncontrollable sweatiness or his fear of being touched by anyone or about how he never knows where to put his hands at any given time, and those are the awkward guy hallmarks. There was a show on MTV called Awkward and the arc of the first season involved the main character gaining popularity on her blog and secretly having sex with the most popular guy in school. At the risk of being redundant, no. No!

I thought Jesse's time at the kid-filled amusement park would be like my time at the kid-filled summer camp. For an awkward person, working with kids is actually great, because children haven't yet developed the social graces to realize what a clown-shoe disaster I was at interacting with regular, functioning human beings. Awkward people are terrible around babies, sure, but working with kids is easy -- it's like bowling with bumpers on. Children say exactly what they're feeling so you don't have to rely on being able to pick up on complicated social cues or worry about violating any unspoken rules of conduct. The kids just wanted to run around in the sun and pretend they were being chased by monsters, which was great, because I could totally handle that.

But I guess a movie about Jesse Eisenberg stuttering and chasing a bunch of second graders isn't as compelling as one about Jesse Eisenberg hooking up with the chick from Twilight.

#1. Awkward People Aren't Looking to Be Rescued

There's a character in Can't Hardly Wait, William, who spent his whole life as a shy, awkward, quiet nerd who liked school and talking about science fiction with his two buddies. By the end of the movie, he sang and danced in front of his school, hooked up with two beautiful women, partied harder than he ever had, ran from the cops, and was, temporarily, the most popular guy in his school.

YouTube

I know this is going to be hard for dynamic and interesting extroverts to believe, but some people are happy being introverts. Shy people don't stay in on a Friday night because they're broken, they stay in because they get more enjoyment out of reading at home than they do out of going to a sweaty bar or crowded party or loud concert or violent, I don't know, quinceanera. Quiet people avoid talking in large crowds not because they don't know how to talk, but because they prefer listening. Shy and awkward people are not looking for you to save them because they don't need to be saved. Why do we throw around the phrase "She really helped him break out of his shell" as if that's a good thing? If a turtle breaks out of his shell, he will die.

I talk about awkwardness a lot, but at the end of the day, it's not a disease. As paradoxical as it might sound, I'm actually super comfortable with my awkwardness. Even in high school. I wasn't cool; I played clarinet in the marching band, but that wasn't as cool back then as it is now.

The Streets
Line up, ladies. Form a single file line so that you can, one at a time, kick my ass.

Even though I was the opposite of cool, I still had my little gang of similarly awkward people and had a blast. I didn't want to spend my weekend nights crowd-surfing at some big house party like the reformed nerd in Can't Hardly Wait; my nights were spent at diners with my buddies, trading jokes and talking about pop culture. Awkwardness wasn't something that needed to be fixed, and I was never waiting for some free-spirited hippie chick to break me out of my awkwardness and turn me into the kind of guy who sings Guns N' Roses at parties.

Extroverts look at introverts and think, "That poor thing; he just needs me to pull him out on the dance floor so I can teach him to let his hair down and enjoy the exact same version of fun that I enjoy. He's been waiting his whole life for someone like me to turn him into someone like me! I will save this lost lamb." No thanks, lady, we're fine. Stop trying to convert introverts into extroverts; you don't see us telling you to "shut the hell up once in a while."

(Although, hey, that might be nice, if you did that.)

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