4 Things Every Modern Man Should Be Able to Do

#2. Changing a Car Tire


For some people, changing a tire might as well be magic. They wouldn't know where to begin, or even that their car has been hiding a fifth wheel all these years. But a man with steely resolve and a cool head will assess the problem, take stock of his tools, and utilize his God-given knack with machines to wrestle that car into a serviceable state.

"Hell, I'm blind and I can do it."

It's as easy as opening the car manual and just following the steps: loosening the lug nuts, placing the jack under the frame, cranking it up until the tire lifts fully from the gr-

But What if That Sounds Like a Lot of Work?

Are you kidding me? Just read the manual. It's all right there, there's probably even pictures. It's also pretty much a uniform process regardless of what kind of car your parents bought you, so if you do it once, you can do it again. Forever. Just take some time to read it and you'll be fine. Alright?


But What if That Sounds Like a Lot of Work?

Goddammit. Yes, fine. HERE: The modern man should be able to change a tire (with only three phone calls to his father). Fair enough? Three is all you get. After that, you're just a lost kid who made a lot of mistakes and deserves to be stuck on the side of the highway for a night so that he can really evaluate some things. I hope you have a Duraflame log in your trunk, because it's probably going to get cold, you dummy.

#1. Dividing Up a Bill

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Let's qualify this right away and say this: The modern man should be able to split a bill on a first date to an arcade-themed restaurant, even if he only has a cellphone calculator. That should pretty much cover everything, right? Surely every man can manage that, through the power of subtraction? She only ordered bread sticks anyway and then stared at the door the whole time. Nobody, not even society at large, is asking anything of you outside of some very simple math before you make her watch you play Street Fighter. That's literally all it takes in the present day for you to gracelessly hurtle into manhood like a quivering bud into a flower on time lapse, but a dreary flower that's really good at StarCraft and getting good deals at Guitar Center. So, maybe a carnation or something. That's the level of manhood you can achieve if you can just learn to split a goddamn bill. That's it. That is it.

But What if That Sounds Like a Lot of Work?

Oh fuck you.

You can follow Soren on Twitter or Tumblr, or you can find him at Guitar Center.

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