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4 Terrifying Myths About Adulthood Every Kid Believes

#2. You Lose the Ability to Have Fun

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When You're a Kid ...

"Do you hit an age where you turn into a bitter, cynical asshole? I can't imagine being so anti-fun that I start hating music and movies. All you watch and listen to is that crap from when you were a kid. Entertainment has made a lot of progress since then -- you should try it. And what about parties? Did you not have those when you were a kid, or did you just give up on life and decide to hole up? Is this what I have to look forward to? Because I'm not sure I can handle the breakneck roller coaster of dull."

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"Whee."

But When You're an Adult ...

Most adults have as much fun as they want. They just do it in different ways that can oftentimes be generational and hard to understand. For instance, my grandmother watches a shitload of TV. Personally, I can't stand watching more than one or two shows a week, but she can sit there all day, totally enthralled, watching people make food that she can't eat. Why?

Humans are creatures of nostalgia. We have to be, because the most important lessons we learn about basic survival are taught to us when we're young. Now, I may be totally off base here, but I've always believed that our choices in entertainment act as direct links to those time periods when we were being raised. Grandma spends time on TV and crafts because that's what she enjoyed in her youth. I like '80s metal, grunge, and turn-based RPGs for the same reason, and also because I am a goddamn badass (PANTERA RULES, BITCHES!).

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Ye will be missed, Sir Dimebag.

If I gave my kids a turn-based RPG for a birthday present, they'd immediately wonder what they did wrong. That's boring, old-people bullshit. Meanwhile, the first thing I did when I set up my daughter's computer was buy her some headphones so I didn't have to listen to her horrible, horrible music. When she reaches my age, she'll do the same with her kids, and she'll be the one who looks like a boring piece of shit.

#1. You Forget What It's Like to Be Young

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When You're a Kid ...

"I know it's past my curfew, but after the date we ran into some friends and got to talking, and we didn't want to be rude. Why can't you just trust that I can take care of myself and I'm not out doing drugs and having unprotected sex? The problem is that you've totally forgotten what it's like to be a teenager! You just want me to stay home and have no life like you! Well, let's see how you deal with this handful of snakes!"

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"EAT SERPENT, HARLOT!"

But When You're an Adult ...

Those of us who don't have our heads up our own asses remember quite well what it was like at your age. So will you when you get to be ours. In remembering those times, you're going to see a big ol' pile of awesome memories spackled together with enormous globs of human shit. Every bad decision you ever made, every physical and emotional injury, every dumb worldview ... it will all be there, stinking up your brain like a warning shot from the ass cannon of life.

What we do tend to forget is that very little of our verbal advice is going to protect you from making those same mistakes. Personal experience trumps everything, and until you witness the consequences of your actions firsthand, you're going to believe you're the exception to the rule. "I won't get a ticket. I only speed when cops aren't around." "I'm not going to get pregnant. I'm always careful." "It's fine for me to be a Cubs fan. They finally have a really good team this year."

Hehehehe. Sports.

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"Look, I'm not a fucking miracle worker. They've been asking me for a World Series for decades."

But here's the thing you need to remember about all of these points: Adulthood is a gradual process. You won't wake up one morning and say, "Holy shit, I'm an adult now!" You'll just sort of look back on your life on some unremarkable Tuesday night and say, "Holy shit ... I've been an adult for a few years. Huh." There won't be any crazy revelations, and you'll barely feel like you've changed at all. You'll just ... be. Then you'll look at the current generation and realize it's a never-ending cycle ... but you'll do your best to warn them, and they'll look at you like you're a lame piece of shit. Their music will suck. Their movies will be predictable and dumb. And they won't truly appreciate you until they're where you are right now.

It really is a beautiful process when you see it from a distance.


John is an editor and columnist right here at Cracked, with a new article every Thursday. You can also find him on Twitter and Facebook.

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