4 Surefire Ways to Ruin the Mood During Any Sexual Encounter

#2. Uncooperative Bed Height

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There are probably a few people in the world for whom this will never be an issue, the people who are of a perfect height and for whom nothing is ever a struggle. Your pants fit properly and never look like maybe you bought women's by accident, you can eat a pulled pork sandwich without getting any on your shirt, and you never need to question if a fart is ever going to accidentally be something more.

For the rest of us, as we struggle out of our old Guess jeans with meat juices on them to engage in some impromptu coitus, it will happen from time to time that you want to be in a certain position that requires your partner to be on the bed while you are off (if you want to substitute chair or ottoman here, go right ahead) and you'll notice at a very inopportune moment that the person who designed that furniture did not consult your groin when making the final decisions on various measurements, thus leaving you standing at the end of the bed looking like a toddler trying to reach for the cookie jar. This drastic misalignment will lead you to one of two solutions, one of which is correct and one of which is most assuredly not.

In a normal world with normal thoughts and normal actions, if you discover yourself too short or too tall to do something, you compensate. Get a boost, crouch down, or approach from another angle. It's so simple, even a chimp could figure it out. But, brother, a chimp doesn't do all his thinking from behind the confusing haze of a boner.

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"Maybe get a stool, dumbass."

You can read this and right away think "Well, change positions, dummy," and of course that makes sense here and now, but you don't know what it's like in that spot. At that moment, when everything is nearly lined up and perfect and you realize that something is awry, your first instinct may very well be to think "It's not that far." That is the same thing everyone in a viral video that ended in brutal physical trauma thought. Everyone who jumped off a roof, misjudged a skateboard's ability to grind a rail, tried to hurdle anything at all. They all thought their obstacle was easily overcome. They all took a chance. They all blew it.

Long story short, yes, I tried to make myself about 4 inches taller once by standing on a book; yes, I slipped; yes, I broke my ankle having sex. More accurately, I broke my ankle looking at where sex could have happened, because I don't know if just getting in once and then falling down counts as sex. Maybe legally, but not spiritually.

#1. A Dog/Child/Elderly Relative

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Few things are as abrasive to an intimate act as an unwanted third party to that act. In much the way that, when you're at a urinal alone, you don't need a dude sidling up next to you to make this a buddy picture, when you're engaged in some sexual hijinks with someone else, it's pretty much universally agreed that if the dog takes the opportunity to slip his nose into your ass crack, you need to shut down production and reassess the situation.

More often than not, being interrupted by the dog is an easy fix. Some people apparently don't even mind the dog being in the room and watching, which I find off-putting if for no other reason than I feel like dogs may be judging my performance and I don't need that. And if they aren't judging, just what the hell are they looking at? Regardless, if a dog hops on the bed or the dryer or that pile of guests' coats with you, you can usually just push him off and get back to business, but occasionally the degree to which the dog has intruded may need to be addressed. Which is to say, if the dog's face makes contact with ground zero and/or a mounting takes place. No need to be embarrassed, it happens sometimes. Also you should totally be embarrassed. Dogs are shameless beasts and, like Cracked columnists, will occasionally lick whatever is put in front of them.

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"You taste like fear and wonder."

The problem here is that you feel bad about yourself in the soul after it happens, and it's hard to maintain composure. Is it OK to keep sexy times going if your poodle just ran by and licked your ball sack? That's a question a man has to answer for himself, but, you know, the answer is probably no. At least not right now. If the dog literally tried to hump you and be a fully involved participant, then no. No sir. That's like hitting reset on a video game. You take a few minutes, remove the dog, chat about the weather, maybe watch TV for a spell, then try to get back to it at a point when it can be reasonably considered an entirely different event.

Random walk-ins function in much the same but differently traumatic ways as a too-friendly pet. If amateur Internet videos have taught me nothing else, it's that a lot of people are willing to get naked on camera when the house is very clearly not empty and suffer the embarrassment of mom walking in while they're two knuckles deep in something best done in total privacy. The proliferation of "erotic" selfies out there depicting a woman with her kid in the background also indicate that the presence of a child isn't a deal breaker for some ladies, at least when it comes to gynecological cellphone photography, and that in turn makes us all sad on a societal level. If she's willing to take photos, she may be willing to engage in more in-depth shenanigans, and you really need to take a stand against that. All of these examples should stand as pretty decent indications that, on a cosmic level, some force of will wants you to not have sex right now. And if grandma bumbling into the room or an actual human child just standing right there isn't enough to convince you to reroute this parade, well, you might just be a terrible person, then.

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Felix Clay

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