Cracked Columnists

4 Surefire Ways to Ruin the Mood During Any Sexual Encounter

Stockbyte/Stockbyte/Getty Images

There are as many ways to have sex as there are people in the world, which of course is incorrect, and I can back that statement up in no way whatsoever. I'd say maybe there are as many ways to have sex as there are Pokemon. That could be reasonable. So there's a lot, but not like an insane, unbelievable amount. That said, for all the ways there are to have sex, there's an equal number of ways to ruin that sex, intentionally or otherwise; blunders that just make the whole situation a wash. Rarely do you ever legitimately want to give up on sex when it starts, but sometimes you must.

I wrote not too long ago about awkward situations that make you feel like a dick, and backtracking sex was the first entry, but clearly the entire subject deserves more depth, as some people went so far as to disagree with me that it was even a thing that ever needs to happen. Let me assure you it's certainly a thing that needs to happen, and for more reasons than the hygiene and/or insanity examples I used in that article.

#4. Dirty Talk Mishap

Jupiterimages/Brand X Pictures/Getty Images

According to a survey conducted by a sex toy manufacturer, 80 percent of people enjoy the use of dirty talk during sex. Of course, that's 80 percent of people who do surveys conducted by sex toy manufacturers, so we have to assume that, in the population at large, the number is somewhat lower. And that's where you need to be wary. If a certain percentage never use dirty talk, and then you can mark off other percentages of those who only use it sometimes, or some types, you're going to soon realize that there's probably only a niche population of people in the entire world who are OK with dirty talk that includes mention of things like colonic electro-stimulation or Adam West's torso.

Back in the day, I like to think the road to dirty talk was a lot like Frodo's journey with the Fellowship. At first there's only the far-off ominous threat of evil pursuing them and a handful of Ring Wraiths, and by the end it's Frodo climbing Mount Doom deep in the heart of Mordor while the rest of the Hobbits are facing off against a full-on Orc army. Adam West's torso is your Mordor, and you can't start your journey there. That's a place only giant eagles can rescue you from. You started in the dirty talk Shire saying classy shit like "I'm quite fond of the underside of your boobs, ma'am." And slowly, you and your purple-headed Samwise (you ladies have Pippin in a canoe) build up and up and a trust is established as your sexual rapport allows for it. So far, far down the road, when your sexual relationship has reached that point where you know how to fully and delightfully satisfy each other, you can really bust out the gems that would embarrass you in public should word of your filthy mouth ever get out.

George Doyle/Stockbyte/Getty Images

"No one must ever know of my penchant for filling my ass with custard."

Unfortunately, in our modern world, things like porn and hilarious college comedies have really accelerated the sexual experience, at least in the minds of people who ain't so bright. Some people seem to legitimately expect that sex should be happening as soon as they feel the need for it, and it had better be a facial-infused, filthy-talk boob-bouncing jamboree, or else they'll take their frosted tips and gemstone-chip necklace and go home. These are the kind of people who jump from first kiss to "lick my balloon knot like a starving dog hunting for Snausages" within seconds.

Dirty talk always has to be gauged lest you destroy everything. Sex is like Jenga, and dirty talk can be the load-bearing block that, in this case, is bearing your load, and it'll be on your hands if you do it wrong. Start too soon and too filthy, and you put the other person off. Bust out fetishes that are illegal even in most blue states, and you alienate your partner by making them think maybe you've escaped from some kind of institute.

#3. The Shocker

Wikipedia.com

If you're about 17 years old or the kind of person for whom beer is an acceptable breakfast food, you find humor in the idea of the Shocker still. And yes, that means I may once or twice laugh at a Shocker joke myself, but it has to be a pretty good one, like with the pope and Raquel Welch in a boat. The magic has tarnished a little over the years.

For those not in the know, which would be I guess my grandparents and Benedictine monks, the Shocker is a sexual maneuver whereby a person makes a hand gesture consisting of an outstretched pinky finger, a folded-under ring finger, and the middle and index fingers extended together. From this position, one is required to insert the middle and index fingers (as a pair, mind you) into your paramour's fun zone while the pinky then follows suit through the back door. This is affectionately abbreviated to "two in the pink, one in the stink" more often than not, or, in higher society, "two in the gush, one in the tush."

NA/PhotoObjects.net/Getty Images

A pinky went here once. It was never seen again.

Of greater note than the act itself is what the act and its moniker signify. The Shocker was the general of the Dirty Proverb Army that took the Internet by storm in the early 2000s. It was at the forefront, leading compatriots like the Dirty Sanchez, the Angry Dragon, and the Rusty Trombone. The Shocker, with its snappy name and easy to emulate in public imagery, became the spokessmut for a generation.

The Shocker signifies one's desire to be novel and something of a frat-level derp in a sexual encounter. There's probably a time when you can sneak it in there and it'll be totally acceptable -- everyone likes cool sleight-of-hand tricks -- but the inclusion of the actual term "shocker" and the triumphant raising of the hand in said gesture are basically admissions that maybe you shouldn't be having sex just now because you're kind of an idiot. You're the kind of person who hides a camera in their room to film sex without the other person's consent, all the while oblivious of how that worked out for William Baldwin in Flatliners. Doing so may very well ensure that your sexual adventures meet an untimely end, and really, it's for the good of us all that your bullshit be stopped. You're making the rest of us look bad.

Recommended For Your Pleasure

Felix Clay

  • Rss

More by Felix Clay:

See More
To turn on reply notifications, click here

883 Comments

The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!