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4 Situations Where We've All Agreed to Act Like Dicks

#2. The Internet

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The Internet is the final frontier for humanity, the last undiscovered realm of mystery. It's a place where we can be constantly surprised by the things other humans fit in their bum, amazed by the level of stupidity someone must possess to ask a question on Yahoo Answers while still possessing the apparent motor coordination to type said stupid question, and in awe of how we must necessarily be constantly within spitting distance of racist, sexist, homophobic, anti-American, pro-American, angry, sexually frustrated, cockless a-holes. Because they're literally on every message board on the Internet. They're everywhere.

The breadth of uncouth loutishness displayed online would never, ever exist anywhere else. Look at this shit right here:

"Seriously your writing style suck also does your mother but thats not the case, you're a stupid git and thanks to you I think abortion is a good idea, it's a shame it wasn't legal when you were a fetus."

This message was sent to a Cracked writer after one of his articles was published to the site (not me -- people tell me they wish I could still be aborted today). Let's analyze this. I'll put my unitard back on and we'll roleplay.

You're a young man about town with a fragile grasp of English and half a boner for some comedy. You fire up the old computrix machinima and log your Googles into the DOS and access the domain Cracked.com, whereupon you read a comedy article -- "The 7 Most Masturbating Homeless Fellows at the Train Yard," or whatever it may be. You read the whole article and decide at the end that it was not to your liking. It was so not to your liking that perhaps the world would have been better if the author of that article had been aborted some 20+ years ago. What kind of person does that make you exactly? And moreover, where else would you ever react in this manner?

Stockbyte/Stockbyte/Getty Images

"I was the second most masturbating homeless fellow. This sticky box is all I have. This and my penis."

Now I want you to imagine it's summer. You're outside, maybe it's an outdoor market or festival of some kind. There are hundreds of others about, browsing the wares and enjoying some outdoor entertainers -- magicians and jugglers and musicians. You approach a young fiddle player who stands on a corner with a crowd around him. He plays a song you've never heard before, it's his own original work, and most of the crowd seems to enjoy it. You, however, do not. So you stand in front of this fiddle player as he finishes, and people toss loose change into his case, and you cock your head in confusion and say out loud, for all to hear, "Holy fuck, that sucked. You play fiddle like my balls do algebra. I wish your mother had fallen down an elevator shaft when she was pregnant with you, you play like a severed penis thrown upon an instrument in need of tuning while it twitches with nerves and produces squawks and caterwauls to assault the ears of all passersby with brain AIDS. I curse you and your family line for the suffering you have wrought today, and I hope you develop a strain of super herpes that actually dissolves you to your very soul, you terrible, musically derptarded monster."

That example barely even qualifies as hyperbole. Can you imagine an instance anywhere else in life when you might, when presented with free entertainment that you went out of your way to experience, find said entertainment to be not to your liking and therefore engage in a verbal tirade that could and often will encompass racism, sexism, homophobia, death threats, and overwrought personal hatred and insult? Do these people go to the library and scream "Cunt!" at the works of Shakespeare? Do they go to parties and shit in the punch bowl when the music isn't to their liking? Run screaming and enraged down the street during rainstorms with their dick in their hand, pissing back at nature?

#1. Protests and Rallies

Digital Vision./Digital Vision/Getty Images

I was born without the gland in my asshole that makes me care what your political affiliation is, so this entry isn't meant to be partisan in any way. Morons should offend us all, not just those of us who vote the same way the morons do, or those who vote against them. Morons unify the rest of us in our disgust at morons. Remember that.

That said, I need you to look at this photo taken in 2010 at a protest of the mosque being built at Ground Zero. Really look at it.

Buzzfeed.com

That's a heavily tattooed General Custer who appears to have a right hand covered in full-finger rings, knuckle tattoos, a face tattoo on his left side, and a Confederate Flag shirt and pin. I am not going to come out and say that this man is a rabidly insane racist in his day-to-day life because Brad Paisley and LL Cool J already established that he's just a Skynyrd fan, but I will say, if I may be completely and baselessly judgmental, protesting a mosque is like having a second Christmas for a guy like this. Now look here!

The Australian via Inquisitr.com

This man feels that, if you insult his religion in some way, you're no longer deserving of a head. He has joined a protest of like-minded individuals and taken to the streets with a piece of cardboard and a Sharpie to let us know that his religion deserves respect or, at the very least, severed heads.

Mr. Skynyrd and Mr. Headless here probably both thought themselves endlessly clever and justified in their protesting at the time these pics were taken, but what if I were to pose the following question: Dude, what the fuck?

Does Skynyrd ever wander around Manhattan dressed like that making clever mosque puns the rest of the year? Is Johnny Beardo requesting the heads of everyone who laughs at South Park in the lounge of his dorm? Let's hope not, because that makes him a real dick and he'll probably get reported for having a hot plate to cook ramen in his room. What a fuckstick.

Despite how unlikely it is that most of us will champion the cause of decapitation or parade about like a Southern Discipline Daddy General against Islam in our regular, day-to-day lives, you announce there's a rally or protest going on and BAM, total fuckery starts oozing out of people's pores like they had it jammed in their asses with a hydraulic grease gun until their breath stinks of it.

The very idea of a protest or a rally is that there is some issue that to you is so important, whether bad or good, that your support, your physical presence is paramount to bringing to light the injustice you are so opposed to or the cause you so dearly support. And somehow involving the rebel flag and decapitation in that is a little fucky. You're cheapening your goal and your purpose with thoughtless douchebaggery because you want to stand out in a sea of assholes as the most puckered, the most in need of a wet wipe, the most hectored by the bane of incurable warts and 'roids.

If a protest or a rally was like a date, and the desired outcome was third base, those dudes basically pulled the dating equivalent of ordering for their lady friend at the restaurant and explaining to the waiter it's because she's fat and needs someone to look out for her.

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Felix Clay

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