#2. Sex Several Times a Day
You may have had a day -- probably in your mid to late teens -- where, for a moment, you thought about tossing aside all of your hobbies because from there on out you were going to be too busy having sex to do anything else. And then real life kick-stopped your genitals while maniacally laughing, which is good in a way, because who has the time to have that much sex? Answer: fictional people, who bend to the will of real people who have screenwriting software and a notebook loaded with unfulfilled sex fantasies.
A Pandora's box of a sitcom writer's pathetic sexual hopes and dreams.
On TV, being a doctor equals getting laid a lot. Grey's Anatomy is a show where the sexy doctors have sex with each other so often that in one episode everyone sexes syphilis into each other's genitals. The sex kind. Yet even within the pantheon of sexually hyperactive fictional doctors, J.D. from Scrubs is the sex marathon king.
Somehow, this guy is Exhibits A through Z.
On multiple occasions throughout the series, J.D. -- very casually, as if this were the norm -- mentions that he and his girlfriend of the week had sex more times in a single day than you've had casual flirtations throughout your life. If you pull open the latch on the underside of his penis, you'll find two exhausted migrant workers feverishly turning large cranks to power his sexual appetite.
In real life, almost all sexually active people on Earth are having sex a maximum of five times a week. This means that characters like J.D. who regularly turn the pure joy of sex into a test of humanity's ability to endure probably have a serious sex addiction that none of the other characters seem to even remotely notice. And as you're laughing at J.D.'s hilarious sexual escapades, a dark void festers in the deepest recesses of his forever hungering soul that not even a perpetual gauntlet of fucking can fill.
#1. Sex on Prom Night
Sex on prom night is a staple of the high school movie genre. It's been either an element or the central plot of Degrassi, American Pie, The Girl Next Door, and She's All That, because in North America, high school kids having sex is a story that we will absolutely pay good money to hear.
"You fuck that pie, kid! You fuck it good!"
The idea of sex as a race to an arbitrary finish line has always been around, but the specific movie trope of doing it on prom night has wormed its way into real life. Google search "sex on prom night" and you'll get page after page of people asking if they should do it, or articles explaining the dos and don'ts of prom night sex.
If you click through that Google search and read what people are saying, you'll find a lot of people who can't wait to tell you about how sexless they were on prom night. In the rare case that someone says they did go through with it, the answers are all some variation of this:
LOL: The most efficient way to convert horror into levity.
If you didn't have sex on prom night and feel like you missed out on some grand American rite of passage, don't worry; most people don't have sex on prom night. Only 14 percent of high school girls have, and the other 86 percent are proving their love for language by never having to use the phrase "baby daddy." But what about the classic plot of guys losing their virginity on prom night? Surely they're living out their climactic coming-of-age tale filled with a number of comical yet endearing sexual misfires that culminated in one beautiful ascension to manhood. Nope: three percent. Girls? Five percent. Three and five goddamn percent, and somehow they became the basis for an entire subgenre of storytelling.
I understand that if all movie and TV characters had realistic sex lives, they'd be boring. But holy shit, they don't have to go the polar opposite direction and turn them into creatures born of celestial sexual prowess. Seeing that on screen gives us a new goal to shoot for, and we're just not ready for that. Not without a couple thousand more years of evolution jammed into our crotches.