The way movies and TV shows casually represent a character's sex life can be wildly misleading. If this fake person represents a distillation of life and its many ups and downs, then his or her relationships and sex life are a reflection of the things average people do. That's the theory, anyway. In reality, you'd have to be a modern day John Holmes, slinging dick so often that it becomes as involuntary as blinking your eyes.
But when you look at the statistics, people just aren't doing that in real life. For example, statistically speaking, not many people are having ...
4 Rebound Sex
The term "rebound sex" is ubiquitous throughout all kinds of movies and shows. It was the central plot of Forgetting Sarah Marshall. In When Harry Met Sally, Sally is annoyed when Harry bounces from one girl to the next in the wake of a breakup. On TV, you can see it in pretty much every sitcom that features quirky 20-something friends. A character is going through a tough breakup, but the wacky and/or overweight best friend is urging him to knight up and crotch joust, because in Hollywood, the only cure for post-breakup depression is to ejaculate your sadness into a one-episode extra.
20th Century Fox Television
Her SAG credit actually lists her character as "Melancholy Cum Receptacle."
The premise is used so often that it's impossible to not exist in real life. There can't be that many writers just pulling those scenes out of their ass, right? Science, please tell me that all the scripted movies and shows I watch too much of aren't full of lies!
Well, shit. It turns out that rebound sex is actually "uncommon after a breakup," according to researchers who probably used their findings to prove to their friends that they're fine, no really, they're fine. They don't need to "get back in the game," because that's not a thing. At least not to average people who don't regularly learn valuable life lessons via montage.
Lindsay L. Barber
By my estimation, these graph lines appear to be doin' it cowgirl style.
People who just got out of a serious relationship aren't concerned with getting laid; they're too busy thinking they are sex-repelling garbage. Women tend to be more willing to move on to a new relationship in the long run, whereas after a while men tend to look up taxidermists with negotiable morals who will mount their retired penises on a wall for display purposes only.
This isn't to say that rebound sex doesn't achieve what we intend. It actually does help people move on from heartbreak. So if you ever have rebound sex, be sure to kindly thank your six-spoken-lines date before you kick them out of your bed forever. Just don't skimp on the cameras or lighting budget. You'll regret it during editing.
3 Tons of Sexual Partners
20th Century Fox Television
Scrubs, Seinfeld, How I Met Your Mother, Friends -- everybody on those shows is getting laid way, way more than the real-life averages indicate. As we've talked about before, George Costanza from Seinfeld is a woefully pathetic schlub of a man ... who has had sex with so many women that if his penis were a Pakistani train it would look like this:
On Friends, the lowest number of partners among the guys goes to Chandler with 10, and among the girls it's Monica with 14. Phoebe had sex with 32 guys, and Joey had sex with 51 girls. In Ted's quest to find a wife on How I Met Your Mother, he's had sex with anywhere between 20 and 31 women.
What that means is that there are people out there who enjoy tallying the exploits of fictional genitals. But more to the point, it's truly a wonder that there wasn't an episode once a season where Joey, George, Ted, Barney, or Phoebe had to call all past sexual partners and tell them that they might be the reason their diseased junk looks like a Walking Dead zombie's mouth.
"Don't worry. Some penicillin and a shotgun will clear that right up."
In real life, men ages 25 to 44 -- the age group of pretty much every sitcom character -- average around six sexual partners. Women of that same age group average four. Over a lifetime, only 21 percent of men and 9 percent of women have had more than 15 sexual partners.
You may think you're watching a show about a group of funny, wacky friends, but what you're really watching are people who have hit the sexual jackpot yet bitch and moan about their sex lives for 20-plus weeks a year, for upwards of a decade. They are 1 percenters complaining about an import tax hike on Bulgarian diamond-studded caviar while the rest of us are lucky if we can afford the McDonald's dollar menu. (I'll take mine with extra nipples, thank you very much.)