4 Romantic Books to Disgust and Annoy Your Lover

Romantic Mischief

The Playful Side of Love

Oh no you are not about to, Godek!

This works best if you're dating Batman because it's something a lunatic super villain might already be doing. Warning: filling a briefcase with chalky candy is the kind of gesture that gets your lover to look up the state's laws about how wide a stick he's allowed to swing at his wife.

I don't see any way this could backfire.

I'm not surprised that this nutbag's idea of naughty is buying too much candy. If Godek ever gets his brain CAT scanned, the technician will be arrested for child pornography.

You stupid fuck, Godek.

If I left my woman a stretched human face and attached a note: "I am the Night Hunter. Face me!" she would be less disappointed in me.

I think Godek learned to write by reading Thundercats Valentines and gay pornography titles.

This idea marked the ninth occasion I was almost killed since I started dating a girl named Martin Luther King.

Imagine your girlfriend calling her friends to tell them what the lamest thing she ever saw was. Imagine cleaning a bathtub full of tinfoil and chocolate by yourself after she leaves you for a heterosexual. If you vomit on a woman while she's kissing your conjoined twin's face, you know more about romance than Godek.

And with that, Godek sets the world record for "Worst Sentence Ever, Gay and Stupid Division." The good news is: If you ever give a woman dishwashing liquid and a pun, you won't ever get a chance to give her venereal warts.

Oh, good. More lottery ticket paronormasia. I'll warn my girlfriend's quivering vagina. Sign language-speaking gorillas have more wit than Godek when they masturbate.

Wait, I don't do it in the nude or reference my own "package" while I help her lift hers? Then how will she even know I'm trying to bang her? Did your editor fall asleep in the middle of your book, Godek?

Shit, I guess he did.

Fucking why? Am I dating a Resident Evil puzzle?

We're buying a present for a guy who has a favorite band, but not any of their music, so he either just had a housefire, or he's a little boy. It makes sense, I guess. Those are the two types of men that Godek falls for.

I have a feeling I'm the first person to read this book, and that includes the author. If I could get serious for a second, the thing that bothers me the most about Godek is that I thought the mentally retarded were supposed to be lovable.

An arbitrary list of gift prices? Wow, the best-selling author of 1001 Ways to Be Romantic makes writing books look easy! I'd hate to see what romantic advice he cut out to make room for this gem. "Try something different this President's Day! Lock eyes with a stranger during an orgy. Mouth the word MOTHER, MOTHER."

What the motherfucking fuck, Godek? Are you flailing to death on your keyboard, or are you trying to find some kind of secret code to start your android wife's self-destruct sequence?

The Portable Romantic

An indispensible pocket guide to creating loving relationships

A condensed collection of Godekisms you can carry with you. It's like having an idiot in your pocket that won't shut up about nudity and pizza.

This is what happens to a person's sense of humor when their first memory is being held underwater by their mother.

Dear Mr. Godek,

We at the Ford Motor Company respectfully submit that any beast that lays with you deserves as much discomfort as our aerodynamic design can provide. Since this letter arrived, our female employees have become sterile. You are the reason STDs want us dead.

In regards to "the elaborate costumery" of your day, we at the Ford Motor Company can only conclude that you write like several dicks jumped out of your mouth to perform rhythmic gymnastics on the keyboard. We are going to remove 37 safety features from each of our automobiles in an admittedly desperate but sincere attempt at killing you.

May you scream forever in a Hell of Scorpions,

Ford Motor Company

Oh for FUCK'S SAKE, Godek.

Seanbaby seriously can't believe how much he hates Godek. You can follow him on Twitter or face him on Facebook. His historically beloved website is Seanbaby.com.

For more advice that's not such a good idea, check out 7 Sex Tips from Cosmo That Will Put You in the Hospital. And check out more from Seanbaby in 11,201 More Pieces of Terrible Advice.

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