Romantic Mischief__new_line__The Playful Side of Love
__new_line__Oh no you are not about to
__new_line__This works best if you're dating Batman because it's something a lunatic super villain might already be doing. Warning: filling a briefcase with chalky candy is the kind of gesture that gets your lover to look up the state's laws about how wide a stick he's allowed to swing at his wife.__new_line____new_line__
__new_line__I don't see any way this could backfire.__new_line__
__new_line__I'm not surprised that this nutbag's idea of naughty is buying too much candy. If Godek ever gets his brain CAT scanned, the technician will be arrested for child pornography.__new_line____new_line__
__new_line__You stupid fuck, Godek.__new_line____new_line__
__new_line__If I left my woman a stretched human face and attached a note: "I am the Night Hunter. Face
me!" she would be less disappointed in me.__new_line____new_line__
__new_line__I think Godek learned to write by reading Thundercats Valentines and gay pornography titles.__new_line____new_line__
__new_line__This idea marked the ninth occasion I was almost killed since I started dating a girl named Martin Luther King.__new_line____new_line__
__new_line__Imagine your girlfriend calling her friends to tell them what the lamest thing she ever saw was. Imagine cleaning a bathtub full of tinfoil and chocolate by yourself after she leaves you for a heterosexual. If you vomit on a woman while she's kissing your conjoined twin's face, you know more about romance than Godek.__new_line____new_line__
__new_line__And with that, Godek sets the world record for "Worst Sentence Ever, Gay and Stupid Division." The good news is: If you ever give a woman dishwashing liquid and a pun, you won't ever get a chance to give her venereal warts.__new_line____new_line__
__new_line__Oh, good. More lottery ticket paronormasia. I'll warn my girlfriend's quivering vagina. Sign language-speaking gorillas have more wit than Godek when they masturbate.__new_line____new_line__
__new_line__Wait, I don't do it in the nude or reference my own "package" while I help her lift hers? Then how will she even know I'm trying to bang her? Did your editor fall asleep in the middle of your book, Godek?__new_line____new_line__
__new_line__Shit, I guess he did.
__new_line__Fucking why? Am I dating a Resident Evil
__new_line__We're buying a present for a guy who has a favorite band, but not any of their music, so he either just had a housefire, or he's a little boy. It makes sense, I guess. Those are the two types of men that Godek falls for.__new_line____new_line__
__new_line__I have a feeling I'm the first person to read this book, and that includes the author. If I could get serious for a second, the thing that bothers me the most about Godek is that I thought the mentally retarded were supposed to be lovable.__new_line____new_line__
__new_line__An arbitrary list of gift prices? Wow, the best-selling author of 1001 Ways to Be Romantic
makes writing books look easy! I'd hate to see what romantic advice he cut out to make room for this gem. "Try something different this President's Day! Lock eyes with a stranger during an orgy. Mouth the word MOTHER, MOTHER."__new_line____new_line__
__new_line__What the motherfucking fuck, Godek? Are you flailing to death on your keyboard, or are you trying to find some kind of secret code to start your android wife's self-destruct sequence?__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__
The Portable Romantic__new_line__An indispensible pocket guide to creating loving relationships
__new_line__A condensed collection of Godekisms you can carry with you. It's like having an idiot in your pocket that won't shut up about nudity and pizza.__new_line____new_line__
__new_line__This is what happens to a person's sense of humor when their first memory is being held underwater by their mother.__new_line____new_line__
__new_line__Dear Mr. Godek,__new_line__We at the Ford Motor Company respectfully submit that any beast that lays with you deserves as much discomfort as our aerodynamic design can provide. Since this letter arrived, our female employees have become sterile. You are the reason STDs want us dead.__new_line____new_line__In regards to "the elaborate costumery" of your day, we at the Ford Motor Company can only conclude that you write like several dicks jumped out of your mouth to perform rhythmic gymnastics on the keyboard. We are going to remove 37 safety features from each of our automobiles in an admittedly desperate but sincere attempt at killing you.__new_line____new_line__May you scream forever in a Hell of Scorpions,__new_line__Ford Motor Company__new_line____new_line__
__new_line__Oh for FUCK'S SAKE, Godek.
Seanbaby seriously can't believe how much he hates Godek. You can follow him on Twitter or face him on Facebook. His historically beloved website is Seanbaby.com.
For more advice that's not such a good idea, check out 7 Sex Tips from Cosmo That Will Put You in the Hospital. And check out more from Seanbaby in 11,201 More Pieces of Terrible Advice.