4 Recent Films That Are Accidentally Sequels to 80s Movies

Pretty in Pink/The Woodsman

Hey remember, James Spader in Pretty in Pink? Oh, sure you do. It was the Spaderman at his Spadiest. He was Steff McKee, Andrew McCarthy's best friend and complete douchebag. He was the rich obnoxious kid who hit on Molly Ringwald, but got rejected. The creep who then harassed Molly mercilessly and tried to break up her romance with dreamy Andrew McCarthy. By the end of the movie Andrew sticks with Molly and tells Spader to piss off. Yay! But what ever happened to Steff?

In character: Full blown d-bag.

So What Happens Next?

Y'know, you could kind of say this about any James Spader performance, but the next stop? Pedophilia. You can see Steff living his rejection over and over again. He wanted 16-year-old Molly Ringwald (who looked 12 at the time) but he just couldn't have her. This rich privileged lad who could have everything could never have her. And as the years flew by and his mullet faded from fashion, he obsessed on it until he only thought of little girls like Molly. Seducing, luring, and ultimately exorcizing his demons - just like Kevin Bacon, the pedophile trying to start a new life in The Woodsman. One important distinction though. Kevin Bacon's character seems kind of full of remorse and is consequently less creepy than Spader's character in Pretty in Pink. Maybe I just wrote this so I could say James Spader is actually creepier than a pedo. Yes.

Out of character: James Spader is creepier than a pedo.


Okay, you all know the story of E.T. A lost alien who crash lands in northern California and is befriend by a sweet little boy, his older brother (never to be heard from again) and his little sister (destined to descend into a whirlwind of sex and drugs until finding her true calling of executive producing horrible movies)*

*I might be blurring the actor with the character again.

And it's a good thing ET finds that nice suburban family because our government is after him! By the end of the movie, the kids must dupe Federal agents and escape in order to help ET get home. All this alien wanted to do was get his shit together for a phone call and then wait for a ride. Why you gotta harsh his mellow, g-men? If he doesn't get home, he dies.

I mean, clearly, he's no threat? You can kick his ass with a refrigerator door.

The aliens From Close Encounters are so embarrassed right now

So What Happens Next?

Well, maybe I'm projecting, but what happens next is, ET goes home, says hi to all his buds, and then starts planning his revenge on that planet of complete assholes who messed with him when he was just minding his own business. Over the next 30 years ET explores the science of DNA technology to create the bad ass he could never be. He sends us, the Cloverfield monster.

And just like in E.T., the more you look at the Cloverfield monster the more ridiculous it appears.

What? You don't think he could? This is a guy who can call deep space with a Speak n' Spell. He can do whatever he wants. How about a little goddamn respect?

And sure E.T. took place in Cali, and Cloverfield falls from the sky in New York, but that just makes sense. Its like when the bully makes you watch him kick the crap out of someone else first. The little Cloverfield spider babies (clovettes?) are parasitically impregnating all of the east coast and they'll gather more and more steam until it wipes out all of California.

But what about Eliot you say? Eliot was nice. ET wouldn't hurt Eliot. Maybe not. But last I checked Eliot doesn't get killed in Cloverfield. He's not even in it. I mean, I think he's not in it. With all that shaky-cam shit I threw up and stopped watching in the middle.

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