4 Reasons We Need to Start Making Fun of Terrorists

They're Raging Hypocrites

So, OK -- they may be an incompetent bunch of man-children. But, at least from the perspective of a pious Muslim who thinks America is the enemy, they mean well, right? They're at least really sincere about wanting to get their countries back on track with good Muslim values and fight Western corruption.

Well, no. By now you've seen Osama bin Laden's compound. While it was architecturally a piece of shit, it was luxury living in Pakistan, in a neighborhood popular with retired generals and other Pakistani elite. His last known videos showed him roughing it in a cave, which is how he wanted his followers to think of him. He was asking them to live on bread and pious fervor, running from cave to cave, so he couldn't very well tell them he was living in a nice house with satellite and Internet and three wives.

Via Geoff Fox
This was custom-built for him. Terrorists must fucking hate architecture.

And a lot of porn! Bin Laden's computers were full of porn, although no one can say if he was watching it himself or not. It's not an isolated incident either. While we obviously can't get statistics for just terrorists, the average resident of Pakistan is apparently really horny, leading Google searches in "horse sex," "donkey sex," "rape sex," "child sex" and other wonderful, wholesome things. Which is both what you wouldn't expect, and after some thought, exactly what you would expect from a repressive religious state.

And they don't just fantasize about boning donkeys. Some of them went out and did it, and a lucky few got caught on U.S. surveillance video, making some soldier's day I bet.

Via Getty Images
Not as funny for the donkey, who had to spend six months recovering.

And the same group that won't let women learn or show their faces or do anything because they "value" them and want to "protect" them also likes to rape and sell them. I'm pretty sure even super-extreme Muslims who want a veil on every woman would blanch at that.

And what were the 9/11 hijackers doing before they departed on their holy mission? Why, visiting strip clubs of course! And they were shitty tippers apparently.

They're Self-Destructive

On top of all that, let's take a look at what they were trying to accomplish in the long term if they ever got their shit together. Bin Laden told his followers to stay away from small attacks and try to go for a big one, on an important date like July 4 or September 11. The reason that all their terror attacks hadn't driven the U.S. out of the Middle East, he reasoned, was because none of the attacks were big enough.

That's right. He thought if they could just blow up a whole city or something, America would go, "Oh man, too rich for my blood! I don't want to play anymore!" and bring all our troops home. Just like after Pearl Harbor! Or September 11! That's exactly what America does every time someone lands a massive, horrible attack on us!

Via Getty Images
Funny thing, there weren't any American troops in Afghanistan before, I don't know, 2001 or so.

Even watching a movie about a fictional attack -- by aliens -- on Independence Day, stirred up millions of Americans to an irrational level of adrenaline and patriotism. An actual attack could very well get even tofu-eating treehuggers to vote for a nuclear option before they thought better of it.

Via Getty Images

Sure, it would have been a terrible tragedy all around, but the point is that any people backing these guys need to know that their master plan is to keep poking beehives harder and harder until the bees ... go back in the beehive. They need to know these loonies are going to get them all killed.

And that's why we need to keep making fun of their stupid, stupid plans.

For more from Christina, check out 6 Bizarre Ways Architecture Is Designed to Ward Off Ghosts and The 6 Most Insane Crash Diets of All Time.

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Christina H

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