4 Reasons Detroit Must Build A Statue of RoboCop

Reason #2: Tourists Are Morons

An example will illustrate this point better, so let's first throw out a question to our readers: Would a RoboCop statue make you more likely to visit Detroit? If you answered Yes, congratulations, you are correct. Tourists are constantly doing stupid things on vacation, because they: A) Don't live there and don't know any better, and B) Need something to do with their time. Seriously, if you've got 12-16 hours of daylight to kill in Detroit, and get tired of its fabulous beach scene, what other activities are available to you right now? Complaining about the lack of RoboCop statues, that's fucking what. Our suggestion to the city would be to not just build a statue, but build a whole RoboCop experience around it. Like that thing that other cities do with their culture and historical sites, except with RoboCop. Have an interpretive RoboCop walking path, walking people through memorable scenes from the films, like when he stops that rape, or when he shoots that guy through the window. Like your hero RoboCop, you must bury deeply this human sense of 'shame,' before immediately investing in RoboCop face painters, RoboCop stilt walkers, RoboCop amphibious bus tours, haunted RoboCop amphibious bus tours, etc. That aching sadness that you're feeling? That's money-sadness. Hurt's good, don't it?

Reason #1: Because It Would Be Hilarious

A statue of RoboCop is one of the funniest things we've ever heard of, and that's saying something, because Cracked has this massive archive of forbidden humor that would make your face melt.

"Let's see, testicle jokes, testicle jokes. ... Oh. Here they are."

The idea that someone would make a statue of a flat, emotionless protagonist from a film full of tin-eared dialog and unnecessary limb severing is completely ridiculous. It's a sure sign that the world is a little bit dumber than we'd imagined, and also that sculptors will do anything for money. But that's a good thing. You see, the world needs to be funnier. Safer, sure, less starvation, OK, if you must, but above all, it must be funnier. There's too many people yelling and dying and Tea Partying right now, and it's just all so damned serious that it makes us want to poop. If there were more people laughing in this world, we would have, by definition, more people laughing in this world. Argue with that logic, Detroit. So please, good people of Detroit, please, please build a statue of RoboCop. As distributors of quality humor products, we can guarantee that this will be hilarious, and make everything better. And finally, if there are ethical or licensing issues with RoboCop that you simply can't get over, we do have one final suggestion...


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