Login or Register

Sign in with Facebook
You may have heard about this group of concerned citizens in Detroit, who, noting that the city lacks a statue of RoboCop, are lobbying furiously to build a statue of RoboCop. These efforts have resulted in an earnest dialog developing in the city, as newspapers and opinion makers argue the point, "What are you people, some kind of fucking idiots?" Many have accused the statue's proponents of having Muppet Baby levels of comprehension about what is and isn't real - RoboCop is, after all, a fictional character. The proponents, who all claim to have regular sized heads, point out that they know RoboCop isn't real, but that other cities have adopted statues of fictional characters. The Rocky statue in Philadelphia is a prime example, based on the film of the same name; the Statue of Liberty in New York is another, which of course references that old children's fairy tale about the enormous copper woman who destroyed the British. In our less-heralded role as independent municipal planning consultants, Cracked has an obligation to weigh in on this issue. And, after debating the matter internally for some time, flexing our powerful brains at all sides of the issue, Cracked has decided that yes, building a statue of RoboCop is a good idea. A statue of RoboCop will result in actual, tangible benefits accruing to the city of Detroit, some of which we've outlined below. Indeed, we must warn the city of Detroit, that if at this juncture, they choose to step away from greatness, and crap the diaper of failure, they can rest assured that some lesser city, like St. Louis, will scoop the idea out from under them.

Reason #4: Because RoboCop Is As Inspiration To Us All

The best reason for a RoboCop statue is because of all the admirable qualities that RoboCop represents. He always stood up for what was just and right. He was beaten down, but managed to stand back up. He is an inspiration to anyone who's ever been executed by a crime lord before. Some might point out that RoboCop was a tool of a sinister corporation, and thus not the kind of role model we want to hold up for our children. These same people might point out that RoboCop was also pretty casual about shooting all those people in the face and torso.

Fans of the films will of course recall this scene, where RoboCop subdues someone for violating a lawn-watering bylaw.
To that we'd respond that there is another way of looking at it, namely that they were bad guys, and that he was fucking RoboCop. Checkmate, due process. Perhaps most importantly, RoboCop had titanium armor, which will inspire children to study hard and get titanium armor of their own. Out of 23 Western nations, the United States currently ranks tied for last (behind Japan) in number of children equipped with titanium armor. Can we afford to slip any further behind?* To maximize the inspirational value of a RoboCop statue, Detroit should make sure an appropriate inscription is applied to the base. The words of RoboCop himself are well suited for this:

Excuse me, I have to go. Somewhere there is a crime happening.
Do you see how polite RoboCop is? As minimum this statue will inspire the citizens of Detroit to have better manners.

*Almost certainly, yes.

Reason #3: To Frighten Evil Doers

You know that old saying, "dope is for dopes?" Well it turns out to have some basis in reality, and we're not just saying that to fill the terms of a plea bargain.

"This is bullshit. Do you know what satire is Officer Gurdy? We didn't mean a single thing we said in How to Sexually Torture all Nine Supreme Court Justices."
Criminals in general are pretty dim, lacking the ability to not drop out of school or pay for televisions. A statue of RoboCop may convince a few criminals that Detroit is finally getting serious about crime, and actually scare a few of them straight. At a minimum, it may reduce crime in the immediate vicinity of the statue, as lacking formal training in art appreciation, many criminals will not know what a statue is. "A fucking cop made of rock!" we imagine them gasping between breaths as they sprint away. "Holy Shit!"
Continue Reading Below

Reason #2: Tourists Are Morons

An example will illustrate this point better, so let's first throw out a question to our readers: Would a RoboCop statue make you more likely to visit Detroit? If you answered Yes, congratulations, you are correct. Tourists are constantly doing stupid things on vacation, because they: A) Don't live there and don't know any better, and B) Need something to do with their time. Seriously, if you've got 12-16 hours of daylight to kill in Detroit, and get tired of its fabulous beach scene, what other activities are available to you right now? Complaining about the lack of RoboCop statues, that's fucking what. Our suggestion to the city would be to not just build a statue, but build a whole RoboCop experience around it. Like that thing that other cities do with their culture and historical sites, except with RoboCop. Have an interpretive RoboCop walking path, walking people through memorable scenes from the films, like when he stops that rape, or when he shoots that guy through the window. Like your hero RoboCop, you must bury deeply this human sense of 'shame,' before immediately investing in RoboCop face painters, RoboCop stilt walkers, RoboCop amphibious bus tours, haunted RoboCop amphibious bus tours, etc. That aching sadness that you're feeling? That's money-sadness. Hurt's good, don't it?

Reason #1: Because It Would Be Hilarious

A statue of RoboCop is one of the funniest things we've ever heard of, and that's saying something, because Cracked has this massive archive of forbidden humor that would make your face melt.

"Let's see, testicle jokes, testicle jokes. ... Oh. Here they are."
The idea that someone would make a statue of a flat, emotionless protagonist from a film full of tin-eared dialog and unnecessary limb severing is completely ridiculous. It's a sure sign that the world is a little bit dumber than we'd imagined, and also that sculptors will do anything for money. But that's a good thing. You see, the world needs to be funnier. Safer, sure, less starvation, OK, if you must, but above all, it must be funnier. There's too many people yelling and dying and Tea Partying right now, and it's just all so damned serious that it makes us want to poop. If there were more people laughing in this world, we would have, by definition, more people laughing in this world. Argue with that logic, Detroit. So please, good people of Detroit, please, please build a statue of RoboCop. As distributors of quality humor products, we can guarantee that this will be hilarious, and make everything better. And finally, if there are ethical or licensing issues with RoboCop that you simply can't get over, we do have one final suggestion...

Bucholz has gotten less terrified of human contact! Make him reconsider that by Liking His Facebook page or Following Him On Twitter!

To turn on reply notifications, click here


Load Comments