4 Reasons Detroit Must Build A Statue of RoboCop

You may have heard about this group of concerned citizens in Detroit, who, noting that the city lacks a statue of RoboCop, are lobbying furiously to build a statue of RoboCop. These efforts have resulted in an earnest dialog developing in the city, as newspapers and opinion makers argue the point, "What are you people, some kind of fucking idiots?" Many have accused the statue's proponents of having Muppet Baby levels of comprehension about what is and isn't real - RoboCop is, after all, a fictional character. The proponents, who all claim to have regular sized heads, point out that they know RoboCop isn't real, but that other cities have adopted statues of fictional characters. The Rocky statue in Philadelphia is a prime example, based on the film of the same name; the Statue of Liberty in New York is another, which of course references that old children's fairy tale about the enormous copper woman who destroyed the British. In our less-heralded role as independent municipal planning consultants, Cracked has an obligation to weigh in on this issue. And, after debating the matter internally for some time, flexing our powerful brains at all sides of the issue, Cracked has decided that yes, building a statue of RoboCop is a good idea. A statue of RoboCop will result in actual, tangible benefits accruing to the city of Detroit, some of which we've outlined below. Indeed, we must warn the city of Detroit, that if at this juncture, they choose to step away from greatness, and crap the diaper of failure, they can rest assured that some lesser city, like St. Louis, will scoop the idea out from under them.

Reason #4: Because RoboCop Is As Inspiration To Us All

The best reason for a RoboCop statue is because of all the admirable qualities that RoboCop represents. He always stood up for what was just and right. He was beaten down, but managed to stand back up. He is an inspiration to anyone who's ever been executed by a crime lord before. Some might point out that RoboCop was a tool of a sinister corporation, and thus not the kind of role model we want to hold up for our children. These same people might point out that RoboCop was also pretty casual about shooting all those people in the face and torso.

Fans of the films will of course recall this scene, where RoboCop subdues someone for violating a lawn-watering bylaw.

To that we'd respond that there is another way of looking at it, namely that they were bad guys, and that he was fucking RoboCop. Checkmate, due process. Perhaps most importantly, RoboCop had titanium armor, which will inspire children to study hard and get titanium armor of their own. Out of 23 Western nations, the United States currently ranks tied for last (behind Japan) in number of children equipped with titanium armor. Can we afford to slip any further behind?* To maximize the inspirational value of a RoboCop statue, Detroit should make sure an appropriate inscription is applied to the base. The words of RoboCop himself are well suited for this:

Excuse me, I have to go. Somewhere there is a crime happening.

Do you see how polite RoboCop is? As minimum this statue will inspire the citizens of Detroit to have better manners.

*Almost certainly, yes.

Reason #3: To Frighten Evil Doers

You know that old saying, "dope is for dopes?" Well it turns out to have some basis in reality, and we're not just saying that to fill the terms of a plea bargain.

"This is bullshit. Do you know what satire is Officer Gurdy? We didn't mean a single thing we said in How to Sexually Torture all Nine Supreme Court Justices."

Criminals in general are pretty dim, lacking the ability to not drop out of school or pay for televisions. A statue of RoboCop may convince a few criminals that Detroit is finally getting serious about crime, and actually scare a few of them straight. At a minimum, it may reduce crime in the immediate vicinity of the statue, as lacking formal training in art appreciation, many criminals will not know what a statue is. "A fucking cop made of rock!" we imagine them gasping between breaths as they sprint away. "Holy Shit!"

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Chris Bucholz

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