4 Reality Shows Too Awesome to Actually Exist

#2. "Stop Filming Me I Do Not Want to Be On This Show": The Show!

In a Nutshell

A camera crew follows a guy around everywhere, forever, even after he refuses to stay on the show.

This is definitely my most straightforward pitch. Step one is getting a guy to agree to be on a reality show. So he'd sign all of the waivers that grant permission to a TV crew to follow him around, and then you drive him crazy. It's, admittedly, more of a sociological experiment than a reality show.

"Hey! Is this a date? Does this girl have anything to do with all those Valtrex bottles we found in your garbage?"

The thing about most reality shows is that all of the people who go on those shows WANT to be seen. They want to be on TV, they want some vague notion of fame and they specifically want to be known for what mostly equates to bullshit. I'm sick of watching those people drink and fart around on my television; I want to see someone else, because the kind of person who doesn't want to be a famous reality TV personality is infinitely more interesting to me than the kind of person who does.

Also, once the guy realizes that the film crew won't stop filming him even after he's said he no longer wants to be a part of the project, the show then becomes about this guy's desperate attempts to evade a highly skilled film crew. It's like a reality show about people chasing after Bigfoot, except we KNOW that our guy is real.

"He's screaming and running toward us with a hatchet, make sure to get that!"

Why It Probably Won't Ever Be Made

I am certain that this is illegal.

#1. Celebrities Being Useful

In a Nutshell

Dimwitted celebutantes must perform selfless and creative acts of kindness and charity (or, alternately, invent something that will help humankind), or they get kicked off the island or whatever.

There are only three different kinds of reality TV show: 1) people live in a house and do bullshit together; 2) people have interesting jobs that most other people know very little about; 3) horrible celebrities are horrible all the time. I understand why the first two breeds of show are popular, but I'll never totally understand why we're supposed to be entertained by famous people who are only famous for being reality TV stars. There's a chicken/egg thing happening that I'll never fully grasp. One day I'm going to have to explain to my grandkids why I know who Paris Hilton is, and every time I practice that conversation in my head, I sound like an idiot.

"You see, she's very RICH. She's not a porn star, but at one point she had sex with a guy who ALSO wasn't famous, and it was a HUGE DEAL, because they filmed it, and I got to see it. Is- does that clear anything up?"

I'm sick of parading a bunch of people around who are famous for being famous and calling it entertainment. I've never been to Kardashia, so I don't know a whole lot about the swarthy, terrifying, Amazonian women it produces. I just know that they are all 60 percent butt, have a pathological inability to stop partying and will wilt if they're not on television for longer than two months.

"One of them also had sex with somebody else on camera, and it was also a big deal, but no, she's not a porn star, but yes, it still made her famous somehow."

So let's take advantage of these celebutantes' needy desire to be on television. Put them on a reality show where, every week, they either need to perform some incredible act of charity or they need to invent something that will change the world, and if they don't, they get kicked off the show and they won't be famous anymore. It's as simple as that. A reality show where the challenge for the cast of Jersey Shore isn't "Try to hold down a SIMPLE JOB FOR MORE THAN FIVE HOURS," it's "Fix global warming."

Why It Probably Won't Ever Be Made

It turns out celebrities aren't actually good at anything.

Daniel O'Brien is Cracked.com's senior writer (ladies), and has a lot of innovative ideas for either reality TV shows or reality sex tapes (TV executive ladies). Follow him on Twitter. Or stop by the LA Convention Center September 15 and 16 for Stan Lee's Comikaze, where he and the rest of the Cracked.com gang will be hanging out all weekend long.

For more from Dan, check out Proof That Porn Stars Are Smarter Than Most TV Executives and What The Fuck Happened to TV?.

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