In a recent article I introduced the concept of monkey helpers in passing. We've surely all heard of these glorious simian servants before -- one appeared in an episode of The Simpsons and the movie Monkey Shines depicted the lighter side of the hijinks a helper monkey can get into. But is a helper monkey all it's cracked up to be? Hey, I just said the name of the website! Heh.
In order to evaluate the awesomeness of a monkey helper, I did the only rational thing -- I acquired a helper monkey. Which is to say I sent an email and was told no, I cannot have a helper monkey because look how not disabled I am. Elitist monkey pimps.
Lucky for me the Internet is awash in anecdotal evidence and complete fiction, from which I can draw conclusions about why you should or should not get a monkey helper. Please ignore the part where you should be a quadriplegic to qualify for one. I mean, realistically, you'll never get one unless you need one, but this is more a beautiful fantasy than anything else. I want a monkey is what I'm saying.
Pro: Awesome Personal Chef
Anup Shah/Photodisc/Getty Images
Service monkeys, as the pros call them, are trained to do some pretty elaborate tasks around the house, including microwaving food. Now, you have your Bobby Flays out in the world, who can take a beet, a steak, a shoe, and some Mrs. Dash and make a gourmet feast. But if you put that head to head against a monkey with a can of Beefaroni and a microwave, and you don't choose the monkey, then you're the most lavish and indulgent human being on Earth, clearly no longer bound by simple pleasures and living a Caligula-like decadent fantasy of excess and depravity than even the modest microwave-operating hands of a tiny monkey cannot hope to manipulate in any way.
A monkey cooking you dinner is like being hugged by Sasquatch or a talking parrot rattling off an entire, unheard standup comedy routine for you every time you come home from work. It's phenomenal in every way. Plus they feed you after they cook it, which is typically the kind of shit only people who have Roman emperor fantasies get to experience, so you're still Caligula! Put that steak down and kick Bobby Flay's ass out. Or invite him over to give the monkey lessons.
Zedcor Wholly Owned/PhotoObjects.net
As great as it would be to watch a monkey make you some Hot Pockets, you need to be aware of the nature of monkey. And even though people spend $38,000 and years to train these monkeys, you can take the monkey out of the jungle but you can't take the jungle out of the monkey. And that means butt play. Monkeys are as fascinated with asses as I am, but generally they're more into their own asses than other people's. They have adorable little monkey diapers on, but who do you think puts those diapers on? The monkeys do! I mean, they have to, right?
Arguably all day long those monkeys are playing with their bungholes when they're not busy feeding you snacks and making sure you don't fall down stairs or get sucked into the vacuum. That, in turn, means easily twice as much fecal matter in your Hot Pocket as the factory allows. Plus, what's stopping him from putting those little monkey poo fingers in your mouth every time he feeds you a grape? Not you, you can't even move. All you can do is sputter shit-grape matter onto your own chest while the monkey cocks his head to one side, scoops it up in his poo hand and forces it back into your mouth. Boom, double poo.
Pro: Long-Lasting Friendship
A monkey helper can live for 30 years, so that's quite a ride. Most friendships don't last that long, you'll obviously hate your family well before reaching 30 and even the best dog is barely making it to 20. This monkey will be with you through everything, just like Clyde and Clint in Any Which Way But Loose but before Clyde's trainers beat him mercilessly in a story that's much too depressing to tell right now.. Just imagine being with this guy for the better part of your entire life. By the end you'll be grey hair old gents (or ladies), sipping whiskey and reminiscing about all those sweet, sweet monkey asses of yore.
A monkey helper is probably the most perfect friend that ever was, if you think about it, because who the hell else could ever wash your face and make you all your meals every day forever, not only without complaint but literally without saying a word? Mutes and monkeys, that's who, and the mute would write something snarky on a portable white board after 15 years, you can take that to the bank. Probably something like, "I may not be able to speak, but at least I can feel!" And here's you, all incapable of moving your hands and legs so you can't even say "Eat me" and storm off. You can just make a face like you're not horrified to be here and say something reassuring while you envy all the monkey owners who don't put up with this shit.
Con: Sinister Monkey
Ryan McVay/Digital Vision/Getty Images
I name dropped the movie Monkey Shines for a reason at the beginning of this article. Science may tell us a poorly received and fairly poorly written George Romero horror movie about an evil Capuchin monkey is not something on which to base one's real life opinions of helper monkeys, but let's be reasonable -- I've read stories about monkeys literally eating people's faces. They were chimps, actually, but if a chimp can eat a face, a Capuchin could at least eat your lips or, God forbid, your junk. And while you or I might think that's impossible, just remember, if the monkey wanted to, it could strip you naked and draw a dick on your dick and you couldn't stop it. You would have so many crudely drawn dick dicks, and the only person who could help you is the damn monkey doing it to you. How's that for irony? Dick irony.
Aside from dick dicks you also need to worry about the monkey giving you medication and maybe just shooting a vein full of air because he's evil like that. And if my rampant and baseless speculation doesn't slake your thirst for monkey shenanigans let it be known real life service monkeys have actually attacked people before, like a macaque named Darla, who showed a two year old boy in a grocery store how to get street with a monkey.