Carsten Koall/Getty Images News/Getty Images
Strictly speaking, everyone is perverted in some way. If a perversion is anything that strays from what is generally considered the norm, then being a rich, white male is a perversion of the American norm, for instance. Of course, getting peed on while you eat chili is also a perversion, ironically in the more traditional or normal sense of the word.
But don't go thinking that humans are alone in partaking in perverse behavior, or maybe do, because then this article will seem like it's even more deep and impressive by virtue of how it totally expanded your worldview and maybe changed your life for the better. And maybe it taught you how to love again. When you're done, please go to the comments and rank how much you love me on a scale of 1 (more than a friend) to 10 (building a true-to-life Felix love doll in my garage at this very moment).
We got sidetracked, didn't we? This article is about animal perverts. Let's go!
4 Monkeys Pay for Porn
Warren Little/Getty Images Sport/Getty Images
By now you know my feelings about monkeys, and if you don't then you better recognize. Or just go read that monkey article. There's a picture of a monkey driving a car with a lady, oh shit, it's the best. Anyway, this story really encapsulates what's great about monkeys and also why they will never truly rise up Planet of the Apes-style to overtake us. They're smart, but smart like compared to turnips and Kardashians and shit like that.
It turns out that monkeys, like all normal people, want to look at celebrities and sweet, sexy asses. So much so that when presented with images of high-status members of their social groups and the delectable heineys of their lady friends, they were willing to give up treats (in this case it was juice, and you know how slammin' juice is) to see those big ol' red turd cutters and the faces of their social betters. On the other hand, if they were going to look at social losers, they required more juice to get their interest.
Photodisc/Digital Vision/Getty Images
In people terms, this means that monkeys, Sir Mix-A-Lot, and I are interested in big butts, but also celebrity culture. We are more interested in those things than looking at a Facebook friend's pictures of their trip to the podiatrist.
The knowledge that monkeys are willing to give up juice for ass indicates that they are a pretty sophisticated lot on the one hand, but also that they're years behind us intellectually, because dude, monkey, you can see so much free ass on the Internet. I'm up to my nuts in juice over here and I have a window full of nothing but monkey asses and I have to tell you, it's a pretty good day.
Also, if you're worried that maybe taxpayer money is being wasted on researching how much monkeys are willing to pay to scope out some asses, don't be -- this may have implications in understanding why autistic people have issues looking at other people and creating some kind of ass matrix that would allow Rain Man to make eye contact with everyone all the time.
3 Pandas Need Porn to Get It Up
Pandas are nature's adorably lazy sacks of unmotivated crap. If your roommate lived the life of a panda, you'd smother him with his own feces-stained pillow in his sleep, and you'd have plenty of opportunity, since he'd be sleeping about 10 hours a day. Do you know what they do the other 14 hours? They eat. That's literally a panda's whole life -- eating and sleeping. And they multitask by shitting up to 40 times during that day. They even shit while they sleep, because who has time to wake up and force that thing out? That panda costume at the top of this entry looks less erotic now, doesn't it?
Now that we're familiar with the hilarious lifestyle of pandas, let's get to the porn. You like porn, right? Or tasteful faprotica, as we call it in the Hamptons? So do pandas. As everyone knows, pandas are fickle, silly-ass beasts who can't be bothered to hump most of the time because it gets in the way of all the chewing and pooping that so consumes them. In order to try to motivate them toward waving half a chub in the general direction of a lady panda, zookeepers have taken to showing male pandas the sights and sounds of sexy panda humptivities. How does that work? Allow me to storyboard.
Franck Prevel/Getty Images News/Getty Images
As you can see, I'm pretty erotic. If this wasn't all tragic enough, pandas also engage in exercises to strengthen their legs and stamina for the big show, because when you mate for literally 30 seconds, other species become embarrassed on your behalf. Also, they are allowed to partake in threesomes, so the young guns get a firsthand look at the action, providing they don't blink or get distracted by something that lasts for about 30 seconds and takes place in the other direction. All of this basically means that zookeepers are also pervs, but successful at making pandas get their fuzzy black-and-white freak on, so that's something.
In the future, we can only hope zookeepers will get the idea to tape a picture of some real good-looking bamboo on the back of a lady panda's head and trick the male into trying to climb over her to get to it, but science moves slowly, so we'll have to wait and see how that one works out. Rumor has it that's how Kanye and Kim did it, only he used a picture of himself. That's some gossip, tell a friend.