#2. Sea Lions and the Deadly Stage Show
Handout/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
Sea lions are pretty slutty fellas when it comes to their sexual proclivities; not that there's anything wrong with that most times. You just need to be safe and reasonable. Unfortunately for the sea lions, they're just not reasonable or safe in their sea boning activities.
In the world of sea lions, only one man can be king, and he rules over a harem. Imagine the bull sea lion as Matthew McConaughey and all the sea lion ladies as your single, kind of desperate aunt and her zinfandel-sipping divorcee friends. He's all cool on the beach, just basking in the sun and being charming, doing whatever he wants whenever he wants, and they are down with it, because while they like to imagine themselves as empowered Sex and the City characters, the fact is that show sucked terribly, no one in real life likes people like that, and they haven't had their goodies touched by anyone who respects them in a dog's age. And what of the other sea lion dudes? They watch.
"Mmm, yeah. You can smell the stank from here."
When it comes time to mate, McConaughey Sea Lion will take the ladies one at a time, because he's suave like that, sometimes for up to an hour each, while the other dudes stand a little ways down the beach and just watch and let their tears stain their sticky, lonely, fish-stanky flippers. And while it's all well and good that sea lions are happy to exist in a society of virginal voyeurs watching the local fat-neck stud plow all the ladyfolk like great fields of barking soybeans, it's no walk in the park for the bull, either.
Mike the Sea Lion was the stud at an animal park in Nuremberg, Germany, famous for its trials and sea lion sex retreats, when he managed to hump off this mortal coil with his sea lion harem back in 2009. Having already fathered 12 offspring, Mike was busy doing his conjugal duty to that booty when he collapsed and had to be taken back to shore by glove-wearing, slightly ashamed zoo workers. A vet checked him out, but sadly, Mike succumbed to heart failure, probably at least somewhat happy that he didn't go out choking on a mackerel like so many of his kinfolk.
While Mike is a famous example, it's not even uncommon for males to hump to the point of no return, as they will stop eating entirely during mating season just so they don't have to cut back on the action, and possibly also to further shame those lazy-ass pandas. The result is that, every so often, a bull who should have stopped to have an Ensure or at least some Ritz Bits goes for one final wild ride and then drops like an overacting senior citizen in a LifeCall commercial.
#1. Macaques Like Dirty Talk
Buddhika Weerasinghe/Getty Images News/Getty Images
We started this adventure with monkeys, and we're going to end it with monkeys, because damn it, this is an article about pervert animals, and no shitty camel is going to trump hump a monkey. Not on my watch.
In the world of macaques, vocalizations are an important part of sex. Female macaques have a hooting, yelling good time when they're going to town, and God bless 'em, everyone loves a hooter. But because science takes a day off every once in a while, researchers at a German primate center decided to look into the meaning behind all the ruckus. Were the ladies just having a good time? Shouting instructions? Working on the family budget? Better bust out the pocket protectors and microscopes, because this is some hardcore Bill Nye shit.
As it happens, just as with Uncle Gord, male macaques can't get off unless their partner is shrieking. When females are re-enacting an ICP performance, males will get to the finish line 59 percent of the time. Doesn't seem super admirable until you compare it with what happens when the ladies stay silent. When they make no sound, males finish the deed less than 2 percent of the time.
Warren Little/Getty Images Sport/Getty Images
Once you go macaque, you'll be lovin' on that sack!
Aside from closing the deal, researchers also noted that when the females scream, thrusting increases, which is the best sentence about monkeys you'll ever read. Male monkeys launch into full-on piston mode when their partners get boisterous. So like us.
It's possible this kind of hootin' and hollerin' isn't actually monkey dirty talk and that male macaques are just all fans of humiliation and like being yelled at, but it's a lot funnier when you imagine it's more like a cheerleading routine and the males can't get into it unless they're being told that they're way better than all the other monkeys in the forest and that clearly their monkey dong is the most dongtastical of them all and that no, she is not going to go hump seven more monkeys before the end of the day. Even though she is, because that's kind of what monkeys do. But he doesn't need to know that.