So for two months straight now, I’ve foregone my conventional blogging to bring you, my extended Cracked family, the video segment I like to call Hate By Numbers. And so many wonderful things have come from it. For one, Mike Swaim finally returns my phone calls. It used to be all “Sorry Gladstone. Can’t talk. Me and Abe are flying off to Cancun to film Internet Party 3: Electric Booga-YouTube.” Now it’s, “Hey, Gladstone. Ha. I hate Kid Rock too! He sure is worth hating. Can I come over and hate stuff with you…. and do you still have that sexy dog of yours?”
Also, I’ve made some fun and exciting friends out west and in English-speaking foreign lands. (Interestingly enough, however, no one on the eastern seaboard seems to think very much of me or what I do.) But safe to say that this hodgepodge of English, Irish, Australian, and Americans in earlier time zones has filled the void left by the east coast’s personal rebuke.
I’ve also learned the thrill of what it’s like to be called a smug, smarmy douchebag by hundreds of diggers while a greater number of their digg brethren register their support for me anonymously with a simple digg click and shame-filled silence.
But there’s been bad stuff too. I heard Mike Myers on the radio the other day promoting The Love Guru — a movie I thrashed soundly a couple of weeks ago. And he seemed like a really great guy. And I sort of felt kind of bad. So when it came to picking a target this week, I wanted to make sure I would not be beset by any future remorse. Not surprisingly, I headed straight to FoxNews for a segment they call Kelly’s Court. Sure there are important legal issues for cable news to examine. But Kelly’s Court did a segment on the legal ramification’s of a minor celebrity’s botched lottery ticket. Accordingly, with a clear conscience I present installment number 8 of
HATE BY NUMBERS
This entry was posted on Monday, June 23rd, 2008 at 7:00 am and is filed under FoxNews, Hate By Numbers, Swaim tried to rape a dog, lottery. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
The Trials of Gladstone (as told by Franz Kafka)
An Open Letter To American Express
Adam Lambert vs. Clay Aiken: The Gayest Feud of All-Time
A Practical Guide To Sexting (For Men Over 30)
8 Things That Pissed Me Off About The FoxNews Fat Cops Report
Why Fox News Shouldn’t Be Allowed To Talk About Sex (or I Really Truly Hate The Other Four Cracked Columnists)
The Most Irresponsible Science Lesson Ever Taught (Or I’m Sick And I Don’t Want To Blog So Here’s A Bunch Of Random Stuff On My Mind)
Fox Whores Itself For Cookies (or I AM NOT DAN O’BRIEN)
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November 1st, 2009 at 9:58 pm
An Australian likes you. Keep it up.
July 8th, 2008 at 7:04 am
I like to think that I singlehandedly make up the Irish contingent here, even though I know that it’s far from true. It just brings some meaning into my empty, hollow life.
July 3rd, 2008 at 12:15 am
Come check out the BEST Mafia RPG Ever made!
http://www.mafiacrime.org/r.php?id=5320
250 FREE Pts Just for singing up!! SHWEEET!
100% Free To play!!!
June 28th, 2008 at 10:55 am
I am a sexy big beauty and I have a vblog at ____ P l u s M e e t. c o m___, where many big boob girls, big booty women and big manful guys mingle together for fun, friends and romance! want to see it and know more about me?
June 25th, 2008 at 6:01 pm
That would work well, phang. Thanks. Maybe some day.
June 25th, 2008 at 3:41 pm
I’m an easterner and like HBN as well.
Let’s see…Morphine….soul coughing…
find a way to toss some Portishead in a post and you’ve covered the trinity
June 24th, 2008 at 10:12 am
WWE IS REAL!! You take that back, or I’m gonna lay the smackdown on you with the Casnadian Destroyer!! PARANOIA!!
I knew a guy who was really into pro wrestling. He’s forty, now, eats only frozen foods, lives in a basement apartment. His girlfriend (if they are still together) is as loud and obnoxious as he. This is the only adult I can imagine believing WWE to be real.
June 24th, 2008 at 7:58 am
I’m from the eastern seaboard and I like big tits with strawberry jelly! I also liked “This week in douchebaggery;” I can’t believe you stole Lex’s job like that. You’re a cold man, Gladstone. Agreed, though; this is a good episode.
Kingmonkey: “Fox News” is on oxymoron. It exists solely to pipe propaganda directly from the white house into the homes of people who still believe WWE wrestling is real and Obama’s gonna outlaw the cream center of oreo’s if elected.
June 24th, 2008 at 1:36 am
Gladstone, I’m from the eastern seaboard and I think very, very much of who you are AND what you do.
June 24th, 2008 at 12:23 am
If you’re responsibile for killing the week in douchebaggery, you have officially become my hero.
June 23rd, 2008 at 11:35 pm
i just said that Ghosty. I didn’t think easterners had an opinion one way or the other.
What of mine did you think sucked. go ahead. of just email me at the cracked account if for some reason you’re shy about telling me what sucked.
If anyone’s interested in my opinion. I thought last weeks HBN was my worst. And this weeks was my best.
June 23rd, 2008 at 11:06 pm
What’s the deal with eastener’s hating Gladstone? I mean, I’m from New Jersey and I love this guy’s material (most of the time).
June 23rd, 2008 at 10:15 pm
kingmonkey +1, as one of the other three Casnadians you speak of, I have to agree with your polite and well-worded assessment. However, I’d describe my own feelings toward Gladstone as more strenuously ambiguous.
Although he does have a nice, clean jacket line. On that point, there can be only one opinion…
June 23rd, 2008 at 7:43 pm
Don’t forget about putting shrimps on barbies, Maddie. And Yahoo Serious film festivals, playing knifey-spoony, and marrying gay Scientologists.
June 23rd, 2008 at 7:00 pm
I’m on the east coast and I enjoy your work!
June 23rd, 2008 at 6:40 pm
You’ve endeared yourself to us Australians Gladstone because you mentioned our fair country without also mentioning The Crocodile Hunter, Russell Crowe or Fosters Beer. It’s a rare moment for Australians everywhere when things like this happen on the world stage.
June 23rd, 2008 at 5:20 pm
I’m a Casnadian, and I’m fairly sure only three or four of us have even heard of you. I would describe my feelings for you as emphatic indifference.
June 23rd, 2008 at 5:16 pm
Glady im from the eastern seaboard as well and I enjoy you too. So we’re not all ass holes.
June 23rd, 2008 at 3:14 pm
Oh bless you, Megan. I’ll settle for not being hated by someone who’s seen the atlantic ocean.
June 23rd, 2008 at 3:03 pm
I live on the Eastern Seaboard and I don’t hate you, Gladstone.
June 23rd, 2008 at 2:41 pm
“Where do you work? Hell?” “Vegas, so yes.” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!
Vegas is one of the nicer parts of Hell, Trust me, I’ve been to some of the others. Bosnia comes to mind.
June 23rd, 2008 at 1:44 pm
Vegas, so yes. I was in Macy’s one day and he was wandering around randomly in the women’s department… needless to say, it was terrifying, I have to hide behind some blouses until he wandered away and I could breath again.
June 23rd, 2008 at 1:36 pm
A giant Carrot Top billboard?!
Where do you work? Hell?
June 23rd, 2008 at 1:08 pm
Wait, Italians use “clam” as a money word, not just preceding “sauce”? I thought the only gangsters that used “clams” in that respect were on The Flintstones. Also, I don’t think they should put voice boixes into Real Dolls, and I don’t think they should give them TV anchor jobs if they do. I know it’s Fox, but c’mon!
Yeah, I read that same Mike Myers article and I don’t think you should feel too bad. I’ve also listened to the director’s commentary on Wayne’s World (I lead a rich, full life. Livestrong!) and while Spheeris didn’t out and out call him a bastard, she painted a portrait of him being very whiney and dull inbetween bouts of his comic genius. I guess he needed a lot of Advil during the headbanging, what a freakin’ poser, eh?
I can’t speak for any other West Coasters, but comedians from more Northern/Easterly directions tend to be more dry and pompous, thus it makes us feel smarter to laugh at them. I also pass a giant Carrot Top billboard on my way to work every morning, so sweet Jesus I need things like “Hate By Numbers”. Especially because today I’m pretty depressed about George Carlin, and this gave me my first smile/laugh of the day, thanks Gladstone.
June 23rd, 2008 at 12:17 pm
I don’t think you have to be American to identify dumb, fearmongering arseholes, or in this case banal, stereotyping ones. They are everywhere quite frankly.
If you want the British perspective please pick up the Daily Mail sometime, it’s absolutely hilarious. Everything becomes a debate on why we shouldn’t be in Europe and why asylum seekers are bad. Even a debate on taxes becomes “Asylum seekers from Eastern Europe are forcing taxes to rise eventually forcing us to abandon the pound and enter a single European currency!”
June 23rd, 2008 at 12:10 pm
I am a sexy big beauty and I have a vblog at ____ P l u s M e e t. c o m___, where many big boob girls, big booty women and big manful guys mingle together for fun, friends and romance!
June 23rd, 2008 at 11:36 am
Yeah I saw Mike Myer’s on the daily show last week and he was pretty funny , got to feeling bad about how bad “the love guru” sucked.
Then I read an article about apparently what an asshole he is to work with. The article also said that he felt the Bohemian Rhapsody part of Waynes World wouldn’t be funny.
After reading all that I didn’t feel so bad for him.
June 23rd, 2008 at 11:26 am
Don’t feel bad for Mike Myers… He may be nice…But he is rich! And for crappy comedy! You are not rich, for great comedy!….. He doesn’t care what you think of him. There are enough dimwits who will buy this film no matter what you say!
Loved this hbn, was worried its Americanness would go over my little Irish head, but no. Hilarious.
June 23rd, 2008 at 11:25 am
I agree “controversy” might be too strong a word is, but the point is they chose a story that even the moderator says has one correct legal answer under the law of every state of the union and it was precisely what one of the panelists said the law was. So WHY frame the legal question in the form of a debate at all in the first place?
June 23rd, 2008 at 11:25 am
@ kingmonkey: it`s “the night” by morphine (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VsXX_svzGfE)
i asked last week, thought i’d save mr. gladstone the trouble….
June 23rd, 2008 at 11:20 am
Come on! Where’s the contraversy? Where’s my dictionary?
June 23rd, 2008 at 10:18 am
Nice catch Ana. Let’s wait to see how long it takes until someone asks what that music is.
June 23rd, 2008 at 10:14 am
Using Soul Coughing! You just got exponentially cooler, and you were cool before. Bravo.
June 23rd, 2008 at 10:04 am
Yet another entry tagged “Swaim tried to rape a dog” without any sexy Swaim-on-dog action pics or vids. Stop teasing us!!!
June 23rd, 2008 at 9:26 am
Tally-ho, Mr Gladstone! You’ve done it again!
Anyway, you can’t really blame FOX for trying so hard to get a story nowadays. You’ve heard ‘em at the 1:35-1:40 mark! You know, the whole “We’re not allowed to show the picture without paying money” thing.
And we all know, in order to pay with money, you must HAVE the money…and c’mon, we’re dealing with those renegades at FOX for Judas sake!
June 23rd, 2008 at 8:15 am
Hey, what that song you use as a theme you smug, smarmy douchebag…………………………..
Is it sung by Kid Rock with music and lyric by Kurt Cobain? That’s what I think.
Just kidding, pretty funny. I liked the spicy meatball reference. For some real news, I only have one puppy left and have reduced the price to 250.00, just so if anyone is interested.
June 23rd, 2008 at 7:27 am
Excellent contribution as always Mr. Gladstone.
This is *news: George Carlin died of heart failure yesterday as I’m sure anybody reading this is already aware.
“Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, CockSucker, MotherFucker, and Tits”
June 23rd, 2008 at 7:11 am
Ummm… what’s that song you use as a theme, Gladstone?
I found a few things that irritated me about that FOX News bit, as well. Like for example, this is news? There’s not anything more, you know, important going on in the world today?